What are televangelists really like?

Way back in September, 2006, my girlfriend and I were flipping through channels sometime after midnight and we came across a televangelical show called “Live Prayer.” We decided to watch for a few minutes, just for fun. The topic was on the evils of gambling, pretty much your standard sanctimonious fare. After only a few minutes, the host, Bill Keller (not to be confused with the New York Times’ Bill Keller!) received a call from a man who started a story with a claim to have won money gambling in, if I recall correctly, Atlantic City. Keller immediately called him a liar and disconnected the call, launching immediately into a tirade against the caller who was now unable to defend himself.

I found this in extreme distaste and more than a little un-Christian-like. So, of course I called in. I called in and I asked him if Christ would have censored that person and called him a liar. I, in turn, was disconnected and referred to as a “Tool of Satan.”

Well, I couldn’t just leave it at that, now could I?

So I sent him the following email:

From: Shawn McBee
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 2:09 AM
To: bkeller@liveprayer.com
Subject: In need of help.


Hi Bill,

Your website has a quote that calls you the "Dr. Phil of Prayer."
Having watched your show tonight and called in, I think it is more
accurate to call you the "Bill O'Reilly of prayer." One caller,
claiming to have won money gambling, was summarily dismissed as a
liar, and I was called a "tool of Satan" for questioning the piety of
that action.

A person with a strong faith in the power of the Lord's word would
not be so averse to hearing something he doesn't agree with. The
fact is, people do win money gambling or no one would do it. I have
an acquaintance who won a $17m dollar jackpot at the Florida Lotto,
and if you had let me speak, maybe your message would have been
helped along, as that person did not know how to handle that money
and now, a few years later is back to working at a car wash.
Instead, you chose to shield yourself from dissenting views.

You, sir, are no Christian. I am an Atheist and I adhere to the
words and deeds of Jesus more than you.

-Shawn McBee

I was somewhat surprised the next afternoon to find a response from him in my inbox. But I was shocked at the tone and content of the email:

On Sep 28, 2006, at 4:19 PM, Bill Keller wrote:


LOL!!..first..I was 100% RIGHT..you ARE a tool of satan..all those who deny
God your Creator are satans' tools..pretty amazing I knew who you were
immeidatly..God showed me..as for the other idiot..you don't hear what
happens since we are on a 7 second delay..he was nothing but a typical prank
caller..btw..I you are like your daddy satan.quoting God's Word..the very
Word YOU reject..yet like satan..not knowing how to quote it
properly..LOL!!..run along son..you are out of your league..

Know that I am praying for you, be richly blessed,
Bill Keller
Founder, www.liveprayer.com

That has not been edited at all. Everything from his total lack of formatting to his total lack of tact, grammar and punctuation is exactly as I received it. I particularly liked the stock complimentary close that is in complete opposition to the tone of the rest of the email. His mocking tone shocked and flabbergasted me. I could not imagine that Jesus would taunt and deride any other person in such a manner, let alone say that they are like their “Daddy Satan.” I just had to reply.

From: "Shawn McBee"
To: "Bill Keller" <bkeller@liveprayer.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 7:42 PM
Subject: Re: In need of help.


Dear Sir,

Even though I am an Atheist, I try to subscribe to the teachings of Christ, as they preach kindness, love of your fellow man, and tolerance. Jesus would have thought of someone claiming Atheism as a lost lamb, and would try to bring that person into His light. You, who are essentially representing Him on Earth, have bullied, insulted and ridiculed me. These unkind words for someone who could be in desperate need of guidance to accept Jesus into their hearts only serves to push them away. Atheist or no, I know that Jesus would not have wanted that.

I pity you, that you have dedicated your life to a set of ideals that you, yourself, cannot manage to live by.

I hope that you find peace in life, and forgiveness after.

Truly,

Shawn McBee.

Yeah, I laid it on a little thick there, I must admit. The point was to keep above the fray, to maintain my demeanor and grasp of the English language, despite the fact that by now it was abundantly clear that I was dealing with some sort of Man-Child. As you can imagine, he responded.

LOL!!..go sell that pile of dog poop to someone else..spare me...you have no more interest in the TRUTH than an Eskimo does in buying ice cubes..LOL!!..you cna't pick and choose what Jesus said..let me educate you..He also said that thsoe who rejected Him will burn in HELL..how about that one Shawny??..LOL!!!...still like Jesus?..I don't feel sorry for you..you watch me..you have heard the Truth..you choose to reject it..sorry..when you burn in hell..you won't have anyone to blame but yourself..enjoy..
You will be in my prayers, be richly blessed,
Bill Keller
www.liveprayer.com

He called me “Shawny.” Honestly. He clearly thought that this exchange was happening on a school playground. I decided that I would not reply. I was clearly never going to get an intelligent reply, so I dropped it.

I just wanted to illustrate the arrogant, bullying, derisive, mocking tone taken. I wanted people to see what these people (at least this one) are really like.

Anyone have a similar story? Lay ‘em on me!

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #15: Jacob has a Dream

Genesis, Chapter 28:

Because Rebekah suddenly got it into her head that she didn’t want Jacob marrying a Canaanite girl, Isaac called his son to him.
        “Listen, boy. I know it was you I blessed. In return for my blessing, you can’t marry a Canaanite. You’ll marry a first cousin, like your father before you. And God will pass Abraham’s blessing to you and your seed will multiply and all that jazz. Now go and marry your Mom’s niece.”

Esau overheard this and, having already married a Canaanite girl, thought he’d better go marry a cousin, as well. So he went and married from the other side of the family, marrying one of Ishmael’s kids.

Meanwhile, Jacob set out for his mother’s home-town to marry her brother’s daughter. He traveled until night fell and then decided to take a nap, using some rocks as a comfy pillow, because people were more badass in those days.

As he slept, he dreamt of a ladder to Heaven which the angels used to travel between Heaven and Earth. At the top of the ladder, he saw God, who said,
        “Jacob, I am God. I’m a friend of your granddad’s. Anyway, I’m going to give you the land you’re lying on. And I’ll multiply your seed and all that. And I’ll be sticking right by you until I’ve fulfilled my promise.”

Jacob woke with a start, freaked out that God was there and he didn’t even know it. He also thought fleetingly that the place, the gate of Heaven itself, was a bit creepy.

When morning came he made a pillar out of his pillow-rocks and named that place Bethel, even though it was already called Luz.

“Okay,” he decided, “If God sticks with me and gives me bread and clothes until I get back to my Dad’s, then he can be my God. And this rock will be His house, and I will give him 10% of my income.” He said these words without the slightest idea that they would one day result in yachts for televangelists.

How Smart Was Darwin?

In a recent interview promoting his propaganda film, “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed,” Ben Stein stated that Darwin had no idea about the complexity of the cell, was totally ignorant of DNA, RNA, the Human Genome, how chromosomes and genes worked, etc. To Ben Sein I say: EXACTLY!

Exactly, Ben. Charles Darwin did not know about these things in the nineteenth century. He was ignorant about a great many things that would come later, both in general science and in his field of biology. And yet, he still managed to come up with an exquisite, unifying theory of biological sciences that would be reinforced and strengthened by those future discoveries of things he could not even conceive of. It was the understanding that his theories brought that even allowed us to discover things like DNA in the first place.

And it isn’t just discoveries in the field of biology that have given countless pieces of empirical evidence in support of evolution, but discoveries in the fields of geography, geology, chemistry, genetics, climatology and several other sciences that I’ve probably never even heard of. For the sake of argument, however, let’s focus just on biology for a moment, with a quick detour through physics.

The holy grail of physics is a universal, unifying Theory of Everything. Currently, we have String Theory, M-Theory, various forms of Quantum Mechanics, Thermo-Dynamics, Gravity, Relativity, etc. Physicists have been looking for a single Theory that ties all these things together for a long time. Albert Einstein attempted it, Carl Sagan tried, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Wolfram and hundreds or thousands of physicists whose names are not known outside of the scientific sphere. Still, it eludes them.

The theory that has so long eluded physicists has a cousin, though. One, unifying theory that connected all the other theories of a particular scientific discipline. One that, once discovered, became the foundation, the underpinning of the entire study, allowing a deeper understanding of that science that, in turn, resulted in an explosion of new and exciting discoveries and advances in that science that would not have been possible otherwise. In the field of Biology, that universal, unifying theory is called Evolution.

Prior to Evolutionary Theory, biology was a lot like physics is today; a lot of individual, unrelated theories, each explaining an aspect or small group of aspects of life. One day, we may have an equivalent theory in physics. When that happens, we’ll have the key to the secrets of the universe. Our understanding of the way matter and energy work at every level from the sub-atomic to the cosmological will surge forward, growing exponentially and allowing for technological advances beyond our imaginations. While such a theory would give the fundamentalist Christians far more trouble than Evolution ever could, we’ll save that topic for another day. So, how come no one’s come along with weak or insubstantial evidence and made the claim to have found such a theory? Because it would never hold up. Science has a very strict way of disseminating, testing, verifying and insuring the accuracy of information. By the time the general public hears about a scientific discovery, it’s already been making the rounds for months or even years. Here’s how it works, to the best of my understanding:

        -Through the scientific method, a discovery is made
        -The scientist or team that made the discovery documents, to the smallest detail, the process they used to test, reproduce and validate the discovery, as well as what other science or knowledge they built on to arrive at their conclusions. All referenced works are listed in an incredibly thorough bibliography.
        -This paper is sent to scientific peers, other accredited scientists that specialize in the same field or related fields relevant to the claims set forth in the paper.
        -These peers, which often number in the hundreds or thousands, review the paper, checking sources, verifying claims, and using the (verified) results of their own research to cross-check the paper’s claims.
        -If inaccuracies are found, these are reported back to the scientist or team that submitted the paper, and further tests are done.
        -Once the peer review process is complete and all the information in the paper has been determined to be as accurate as can be determined with current knowledge, it is finally released for public dissemination, where anyone can read the findings.
        -As more evidence and information become available, more papers will be written, each with the possibility that future discoveries may disprove previous ones, thus furthering our collective knowledge of life, the universe and everything.

There are a couple of reasons I point out the steps in this process. First of all, it is to illustrate that scientific discoveries are not really open to debate by people like Ben Stein. By the time Stein hears about them, the most knowledgeable people in the field have already worked tirelessly to ensure its accuracy. Secondly, it is to illustrate the rigorous process that any scientific claims must go through. It takes a million collaborative pieces to form a theory, but only one tiny inconsistency or piece of contradictory evidence to destroy it. Because of the process outlined above, the general public never hears about theories, hypotheses or discoveries that don’t stand up to scrutiny. Yet, in over 150 years, Evolution has added billions of pieces of evidence to support it, including things that its discoverer could never have conceived of. Yet, in those 150 years, it has stood up to scrutiny, without a single piece of contradictory evidence. All it would take to disprove Evolution would be a certain type of fossil that is older than it should be, or younger than it should be. Or a gene sequence that wasn’t what we would expect through evolution. Or something even smaller.

So, how smart was Darwin? He was smart enough to figure out the key to understanding life on Earth without the benefit of seeing it at work at the cellular level, without the benefit of observing the patterns in genetic tests that show it, without having the tiniest idea that something like DNA even existed. Figuring out Evolution with nineteenth century technology and science is the equivalent of the Wright Brothers skipping straight to building the Concord.

I’d say he was pretty smart.




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No Bullshit Bible Lesson #14: Jacob's Deceit

Genesis, Chapter 27:

As God promised Abraham, his son Isaac became a great man. But even great men grow old and Isaac, no exception to the rule, found himself blind and infirm. Knowing that his days were numbered, he called for his eldest son, Esau.
        "Esau," he said, "I am seriously old. I could die, like, any minute. Go out to the field and bring me back some nice, fresh venison and I will bless you before I die."
        "Okay, Dad! I'd be glad to buy your blessings rather than have them given out of love!" And off he went.

Rebekah overheard this and called Jacob, the son she loved, over to her.
        "Jacob, your dad is going to bless Esau in return for a steak. Go out to the flock and kill two baby goats. Then you can bring him the meat he loves so much while Esau is still trying to hunt one, and you'll get the blessing."
        "Dad is totally going to see through that. If he touches me, he'll know I'm not Esau because I'm not covered in hair like Esau is. Dad'll see through it and curse me!"
        "Oh, stop whining. If he curses you, I'll bear the curse. Now do as I say."

So, he went and killed some goat-babies and Rebekah made some tasty venison. She then gave Jacob some of Esau's clothes to wear and strapped bits of the goat' pelts to his hands and neck, to simulate the frightening mutant hairiness of Esau.

Jacob approached Isaac.
        "Father, I have your food."
        "Who are you?"
        "Um. I'm totally Esau. Now eat up so you can bless me."
        "How'd you hunt down and cook a critter so fast?" he asked suspiciously.
        "Oh. Uh...God? Yeah, that's it...God gave it to me."
        "Hmmm....C'mere and let me feel you," he said, foreshadowing the statements of future Clergymen.

Jacob stepped forward and Isaac took his hands.
        "The voice is Jacob's, but the hands are Esau's"

Despite the observation that he sounded just like Jacob, Isaac bought it. Hook, Line and Sinker.
        "Okay, bring me the venison before it gets cold, then I can bless you."

So they ate the venison and bread together and had some nice wine.
        "Okay, boy: May the Lord bless you with abundant rain and fat crops and lots of corn and wine. Your servants will bow before you, nations will bow before you, your brothers will bow before you and, y'know, the usual stuff about people that bless you being blessed and people that curse you being cursed."
        "Awesome. Thanks, Pop."

He split. Moments later, Esau came in with some fresh venison.
        "Hey, sit up, Dad. I brought some venison for you so you'll bless me!"
        "Who are you?"
        "Esau. Remember, you sent me to get you some num-nums?"

Isaac began trembling with rage.
        "I have just eaten venison and blessed the person that brought it to me."
        "Oh...bless me, too, Dad!"
        "You don't get it: Your brother came in here and tricked me into giving him your blessing."
        "Aw, that little shit! First he took my birthright, and now my damn blessing?! Well, you have to have a spare blessing for me, right?"
        "Well, I already made him your Master, decreed that all his brethren are his servants, and made sure he'll be good on corn and wine forever. Is there anything I missed that might be left over for you?"
        "Aw, just give me something." He was now on the verge of whining.
        "Okay, you'll...uh...have rain and good crops, you'll serve your brother very well and...let's see....one day you'll break free of his authority."

Esau took his half-assed blessing and thought about how much he hated his little dip-shit brother. He decided he was going to kill him as soon as Isaac died. And he wasn't too quiet about it either, because word got back to his Mom.

When Rebekah heard about Esau's fratricidal plans, she warned Jacob to run away and stay with her brother until Esau cooled off. Then she went and told Isaac that she sure hopes Jacob doesn't marry one of those slutty girls from Heth. Isaac likely wondered where the hell that came from. I certainly did.

The Atheist Spot

There is a new service out called the Atheist Spot. It is an article rating system similar to Digg, but exclusively for Atheists. As someone who is frustrated year after year by the fact that there's nowhere for an Atheist to get some food on Christmas, it's nice to see that someone has made something just for us.

I'll be adding some of my articles over there so if you like something I write, please feel free to go to The Atheist Spot and vote it up. And, while you're there, look around, because there's a lot of great Atheist content on there and it's only going to get better as the site grows.

www.AtheistSpot.com

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #13: Isaac comes into his own.

Genesis, Chapters 25-26:

Now that Isaac had gotten a wife, Abraham decided to remarry, and he did. And his new wife had a whole bunch of kids, who Abraham gave presents and sent away so that Isaac wouldn’t have to share his inheritance. Abraham did finally die, aged 175. And Isaac did not, in fact, have to share his inheritance with anyone.

Isaac and Ishmael buried Abraham next to Sarah.

Having finished the task of burying his father, Ishmael went back home and did what people did then: he had a lot of babies. Isaac, in turn, attempted to do the same, but was momentarily prevented from doing so because his wife, much like his mother, was totally infertile. Isaac was a bit smarter than his dad though, and instead of just feeling sorry for himself, he went and asked God to fix it. God did, and soon Isaac and Rebekah were expecting twins.

Rebekah had something of a rough pregnancy and went to ask God why.
        “You have two nations in you,” He said, “One of your kid will be the patriarch of a strong people, who will be subservient to the weaker ones of your other child.”
        “Oh.”

The twins were Esau, who was born red and possibly hairy, and Jacob. Finally, after twenty years of marriage, Isaac had some heirs.

The boys grew up, Esau was a decent hunter, and Jacob was pretty boring and lived in tents. Isaac and Rebekah, not being the best parents, each picked one child to love. Isaac loved Esau, because they shared a love of venison, and Rebekah loved Jacob, presumably because Isaac got to pick first.

One day Esau stumbled out of the field, nearing death from exertion. He came to Jacob’s tent, where he was making some tasty-looking red stew.
        “Jacob, I am totally in need of some food. Help me out, huh?”
        “Umm....Tell you what; I will sell you some stew in return for your birthright.”
        “Well, I am dying,” Esau said, too weak to notice what a dick his brother was being, “guess my birthright isn’t much good to me dead.”
        “Deal, then?”
        “Sure.”

So Esau sold his birthright for some bread and lentil stew, then went on his way.

Isaac and Rebekah, meanwhile, found themselves in the middle of a famine and had to move. As for their destination, God told Isaac where to go and reiterated the promises of greatness that he had made to Abraham. So Isaac settled down in Gerar.

In Gerar, which was within Abimelech’s lands, he pulled the same crap on Abimelech that his dad had done: he told everyone that his hot wife was actually his sister, because he was paranoid that people would kill him to take her. Rich people have always been paranoid about being killed on the street, apparently.

Of course, when Abimelech figured out what was up, he called Isaac out on his shit, then had word spread that anyone that messed with Isaac or Rebekah would be put to death.

This allowed Isaac time to tend the fields and he saw a hundred-fold return on his investment and God blessed him. This trend kept up and Isaac became fabulously wealthy and the Philistines were pretty jealous. So jealous, in fact, that they went and filled in all the wells that had been dug by Abraham’s servants.

Abimelech then went to Isaac and said, “You should just go, man. You’re just...you’re too awesome for us.” Because, truly, Isaac was like a movie star living in Flint, Michigan.

So Isaac left and went to...Gerar? Maybe it was a different place called Gerar. Yeah...like moving from Detroit, Michigan to Detroit, Oregon. Or Paris, France to Paris, Texas. Anyway, he left Gerar and went to Gerar and he had all the wells re-dug. The herdsmen of Gerar claimed that the water was theirs, so Isaac’s people had to dig another, but the herdsmen claimed that one, too. So they had to keep doing that until everyone had enough water and the herdsmen stopped being such babies and learned to share.

All this well-digging ended up in Beer-sheba, where God came to him.
        “Hey.”
        “Oh, hey God. How’s it hangin’?”
        “Good. Listen, just wanted to let you know I got your back. Me an’ your old man were tight, so I’m lookin’ out for you because I told him I would,” He said, sounding like a cop taking on a rookie partner in a movie.

So Isaac built an altar and pitched a tent and, just for good measure, dug one more well. Shortly after that, Abimelech came up from Gerar with a friend of his as well as the Captain of the Army.

        “Um...why are you here? I know you hate me; you kicked me off your land.”
        “Oh. Uh, well...y’see...We noticed you’re friends with God and all, so we thought maybe we could make a deal. Y’know we kicked you out and stuff, but we did it peacefully, right? I mean, we haven’t harmed you. We just thought, maybe you could, like, not harm us either?”
        “Sure. Here’s some food.”

And they ate, spent the night, and went in peace. The peace he had made with Abimelech, coupled with the subsequent finding of water, had Isaac feeling pretty good. Then Esau had to go and spoil it by marrying some daughter of Hittites, which spoiled Isaac’s mood and Rebekah’s.

This is why religion is not allowed in public schools

An Ohio public middle school teacher named John Freshwater is being accused of outwardly promoting religion in class and even burning crosses into his student’s arms. Oh, yes, you read that right. The case is actually about his unwillingness to remove his personal bible from his classroom desk. It is only incidental to the case that they mention the branding of students and, oh, yes, some religious healing. Did I mention this is what passes for a science teacher in Ohio?

As is typical of the religious, the Freshwater and his attorneys are dismissive of anything that doesn’t directly involve the single bible on his desk. They say that it is about his own personal beliefs being violated, rather than a case of a man in a secular school pushing his religion on his students. This line of thinking, though, is entirely dependent on ignoring the fact that the bible in question is just the last of many religious articles that have adorned the class. His refusal to remove the bible is noteworthy because he has already been forced to remove a poster of the Ten Commandments, several posters with bible verses and a shelf of bibles. And now he’s drawing a line in the sand for his personal beliefs, despite the fact that the already removed items indicate an extreme desire to use the classroom to proselytize his religion.

The best part is his “spokesman,” Dave Daubenmire, is a former London High School football coach who gained some notoriety back in ‘99 when his school district was sued because he led his players in prayer at games and practices. Furthermore, he tries to discredit the student-branding as “character assassination” because it’s an “old allegation” from waaayyyy back in December! Oh, my! You mean to tell me that these crazy liberals are bringing up something that first came to light 5 whole months ago?! Why, this poor man! And why is the allegation 5 months old? Because when the parents of one of the students complained about it, the school board did nothing.

The icing on the cake is that students are defending this faith-healing kid-brander. But what do you expect? This is Ohio we’re talking about.

The whole story can be read at the Columbus Dispatch.