No Bullshit Bible Lesson #2: After Eden

Genesis, Chapters 4-5:

So, Adam and Eve were cast from Eden and began having sex, which bore them their first son, Cain. One assumes that, in accordance with God’s punishment, birthing him hurt like hell. Though, not enough to stop them from having another son, apparently. Thus, Abel was born. Cain and Abel grew up and chose their trades: Cain became a farmer, and Abel became a shepherd.

One day, deciding to set precedent for no apparent reason, they decided to bring an offering to the Lord. Cain brought a heaping of vegetables in offering and Abel brought some slaughtered animals from his flock. God, not being much of a “veggie guy,” wasn’t too thrilled with Cain’s offering, but ran and got a bib when he saw what Abel had brought to him. This made Cain sad and God said unto him:
        “Why are you sad? If you do something well, I’ll accept you. If you suck, then you’re a sinner. Sorry to say, your ‘offering’ sucks, bro.”

Later, Cain saw Abel in the field.
        “Brother,” he called out “I have been meaning to speak with you...”
        “Yes?” Abel replied.
        “Yeah, the thing is -- DIE!!”
        “Ack....gurgle....”
And that was how it came to pass that Cain totally overreacted and killed his brother, becoming the first murderer. Walking around later, totally not feeling any remorse for what he had done, he came upon God.
        “Hey, Cain. Where’s your brother?” God asked, again casting serious aspersions on his actual power level.
        “Dude, how should I know? I’m not my Brother’s Keeper,” he shrugged.
        “Okay, here’s the thing...his blood is calling to me from the ground, so you’re a liar, first of all. Second of all, I’m going to punish you so hard...You have full on murdered one of my children and your punishment will reflect the severity of that action. From this day forth, you will suck at being a farmer!”
        “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
        “And you have to move.”
        “Too harsh, God! If I go out into the world, everyone that sees me will kill me!” he cried, neglecting the fact that he and his parents represented 100% of the human population of the Earth.
        “Okay, man...I don’t know who’s gonna kill you or why they would want to (if they existed) or how they’d manage to do so more than once, but I’ll make you a deal. I will put my mark on you so that whoever kills you will die seven times.”

Cain accepted this because, clearly, things do not have to make any sense at all in his twisted mind. So, Cain took off and lived in the land of Nod, which was East of Eden. And, despite the fact that the only woman on Earth was his mother, Cain found a wife and had a son named Enoch, whom he named a city after.

Then Enoch had a kid, who had a kid, who had a kid, who had a kid named Lamech that took two wives, becoming the first polygamist. How all this begetting happened when only sons were being born is anyone’s guess, but it must have happened, because it’s in the bible. So, then Lamech had a kid with wife #1 named Jabal. And Jabal is father of all people who live in tents and raise cows. And he had a brother named Jubal, who is father of all people who play harps and organs, which were presumably invented around this time.
With wife #2, Lamech had a kid named Tubal-Cain, who was an instructor of everyone who works in iron and brass, which probably came in handy when it was time to invent harps and organs. And Tubal-Cain had a sister, who seems to be of no importance whatsoever.

Then Lamech went to his two wives and said to them: “I have killed two men! If God decrees that Cain’s death shall be avenged sevenfold, then mine should be avenged 77 times!” illustrating that he was insane and bad at math. God had no comment.

Not quite satisfied with being Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandparents, Adam and Eve decided that, at the age of 130, they needed a replacement kid for Abel, and they named him Seth. Who had a kid named Enos.

And everyone lived a long time, around 900 years each. And, oh yeah, Lamech had a kid named Noah, who apparently didn’t bear mentioning in the presence of his oh-so-important siblings, like the father of all tent-residing beef salesmen.



Tomorrow: Noah.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #1: The Creation

Genesis, Chapters 1-3:


In the beginning there was nothing. Except for God, who presumably was just floating around bored out of his mind for eternity until he got the idea to create reality.

So God created Heaven and the Earth, Light and Dark, Day and Night and stuck the sky between the water on Earth and the water that is above the sky. Then, despite having already created Heaven, He named the sky Heaven.

Then, tired of just saying stuff into existence, God made a little clay model that looked just like him, and gave it CPR. He then went about making Play-Doh animals for a while, making the clay man that looked like God name them all.

When the man-of-clay was done naming all the animals, he noticed one missing:
        “Uh, God?”
        “Yes Mini-Me?”
        “Oh...man. First of all, can you, like, not call me that?”
        “Fine...”
        “Thanks. Anyway, I was noticing that all these animals you made come in pairs...but there seems to be only one of me.”
        “Okay, okay...I’ll take care of it. Put this on your mouth and count backwards from ten.”

Thus, God anesthetized Adam and performed a Ribectomy, forming that Rib into a woman. And when Adam woke, he was thrilled.
        “Oh, sweet! You took her out of my body, huh? Then I decree that Man will leave his parents and join in union with a wife!” he exclaimed.
        Eve looked somewhat confused, “What’s a parent?”
        “Dunno...I’m sure me or the G-man will invent them later.”

And God was pleased with his work. “Okay, then...you kids have fun. I just created the universe and I am POOPED! I’m gonna just chill out for a day. In fact, I’m making it a law that everyone has to rest on this day every week, just to commemorate how awesome this rest is gonna be!”
        “Have a nice rest, God” they said.
        “Thanks...Oh, and see that tree over there? If you eat any fruit off it, you’ll totally die. The others are fine, but that one will kill you. Like, for serious. Deadsville.”

And no sooner was God napping than Eve found herself talking to a snake.
        “Psst...Hey Lady,” called the snake, beguilingly, “you should go eat a piece of fruit from that tree”
        “Oh, no. The Lord told me that I would die if I did so!” she replied.
        “Naw, never happen,” he said slyly, “He just told you that so you wouldn’t know good from evil.”
        “Okay! Adam, come have a bite of this!”
So, Adam and Eve happily ate from the tree, not dying, and gained the knowledge that God is a damn liar. Next, they noticed that they were naked and made clothing from fig leaves, because their new knowledge made them aware that being naked is not socially acceptable. Not for warmth or anything, just the embarrassment thing.

Some time later, the lovely couple heard God walking through the garden, apparently talking to himself and they hid in the trees to hide their nakedness, despite having already made clothes out of leaves. And God called out “Adam, where are you?” casting serious doubt on His claims of Omniscience.
        “I’m right here...I heard you coming and I was like, totally nude, so I thought I’d hide behind this bush”
        God spit his slurpee all over the garden, “Who told you that you were naked? Oh, dude...you better not have eaten from that tree. You totally did, didn’t you?”
        “Wait,” Adam replied, “I thought you were Omiscient.”
        “Just answer the question!”
        And Adam totally sold out his old lady.
        And the old lady totally sold out the snake.
        Everyone’s groove was totally harshed, and God said unto the snake “Dude! Not cool! Just for that, you have to slither. How ‘bout that?” He turned his attention to the humans. “And as for you...Eve, your punishment is that you will want to have sex with Adam and when you have a baby from it, it is totally going to hurt. And Adam? Man, I am so disappointed in you. You will have to garden...but I am going to invent thorns, so that gardening will totally suck. Now here’s some clothes, both of you get out of here and take that tree with you. Oh, and you’re not immortal anymore, I guess. See ya.”

And God set a flaming sword at the entrance of the garden, so his fruit roll-ups would be safe if Adam and Eve ever tried to come back.