No Bullshit Bible Lesson #1: The Creation

Genesis, Chapters 1-3:


In the beginning there was nothing. Except for God, who presumably was just floating around bored out of his mind for eternity until he got the idea to create reality.

So God created Heaven and the Earth, Light and Dark, Day and Night and stuck the sky between the water on Earth and the water that is above the sky. Then, despite having already created Heaven, He named the sky Heaven.

Then, tired of just saying stuff into existence, God made a little clay model that looked just like him, and gave it CPR. He then went about making Play-Doh animals for a while, making the clay man that looked like God name them all.

When the man-of-clay was done naming all the animals, he noticed one missing:
        “Uh, God?”
        “Yes Mini-Me?”
        “Oh...man. First of all, can you, like, not call me that?”
        “Fine...”
        “Thanks. Anyway, I was noticing that all these animals you made come in pairs...but there seems to be only one of me.”
        “Okay, okay...I’ll take care of it. Put this on your mouth and count backwards from ten.”

Thus, God anesthetized Adam and performed a Ribectomy, forming that Rib into a woman. And when Adam woke, he was thrilled.
        “Oh, sweet! You took her out of my body, huh? Then I decree that Man will leave his parents and join in union with a wife!” he exclaimed.
        Eve looked somewhat confused, “What’s a parent?”
        “Dunno...I’m sure me or the G-man will invent them later.”

And God was pleased with his work. “Okay, then...you kids have fun. I just created the universe and I am POOPED! I’m gonna just chill out for a day. In fact, I’m making it a law that everyone has to rest on this day every week, just to commemorate how awesome this rest is gonna be!”
        “Have a nice rest, God” they said.
        “Thanks...Oh, and see that tree over there? If you eat any fruit off it, you’ll totally die. The others are fine, but that one will kill you. Like, for serious. Deadsville.”

And no sooner was God napping than Eve found herself talking to a snake.
        “Psst...Hey Lady,” called the snake, beguilingly, “you should go eat a piece of fruit from that tree”
        “Oh, no. The Lord told me that I would die if I did so!” she replied.
        “Naw, never happen,” he said slyly, “He just told you that so you wouldn’t know good from evil.”
        “Okay! Adam, come have a bite of this!”
So, Adam and Eve happily ate from the tree, not dying, and gained the knowledge that God is a damn liar. Next, they noticed that they were naked and made clothing from fig leaves, because their new knowledge made them aware that being naked is not socially acceptable. Not for warmth or anything, just the embarrassment thing.

Some time later, the lovely couple heard God walking through the garden, apparently talking to himself and they hid in the trees to hide their nakedness, despite having already made clothes out of leaves. And God called out “Adam, where are you?” casting serious doubt on His claims of Omniscience.
        “I’m right here...I heard you coming and I was like, totally nude, so I thought I’d hide behind this bush”
        God spit his slurpee all over the garden, “Who told you that you were naked? Oh, dude...you better not have eaten from that tree. You totally did, didn’t you?”
        “Wait,” Adam replied, “I thought you were Omiscient.”
        “Just answer the question!”
        And Adam totally sold out his old lady.
        And the old lady totally sold out the snake.
        Everyone’s groove was totally harshed, and God said unto the snake “Dude! Not cool! Just for that, you have to slither. How ‘bout that?” He turned his attention to the humans. “And as for you...Eve, your punishment is that you will want to have sex with Adam and when you have a baby from it, it is totally going to hurt. And Adam? Man, I am so disappointed in you. You will have to garden...but I am going to invent thorns, so that gardening will totally suck. Now here’s some clothes, both of you get out of here and take that tree with you. Oh, and you’re not immortal anymore, I guess. See ya.”

And God set a flaming sword at the entrance of the garden, so his fruit roll-ups would be safe if Adam and Eve ever tried to come back.