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No Bullshit Bible Lesson #18: Jacob Takes Off

Genesis, Chapter 31:

Laban’s sons were bitching that Jacob had conned their dad out of all the good livestock and Jacob, in turn, noticed that Laban was giving him dirty looks lately.

Seeing this, God went to Jacob, “Okay, man. You should just go home now. I got your back.”

Jacob jumped into action and called for his wives to meet him at the flock, where he explained their next course of action,
        “Girls, your dad is being kind of a dick, and we all know how long I’ve been busting my ass for him. And, in return, he’s lied to me, changed my wages ten times...so guess what? When he decided I’d get all the cattle that were spotted or speckled, God made ALL of them spotted or speckled. Not my fault. God saw what he was doing and showed him what was what. And now God wants us to go home.”
        “Hell, yeah!” they replied, “He sold us off and then spent all our money! All the stuff here that used to be his would have been our and our kids’ anyway. We should listen to God and get the hell outta here.”

So Jacob loaded his sons and wives onto camels. His daughter? Maybe he fed her to some dogs. Or made her into saddlebags for the camels. Or maybe he loaded her onto a camel with the rest of the family. We may never know. Jacob had gathered all his things, including the flocks. Rachel, for her part, had stolen her father’s idols when he set off to shear his sheep. So, with everything gathered and everyone (with the possible exception of the daughter) loaded onto camels, it was time to leave, with Laban none-the-wiser.

It took three days for Laban to get word that Jacob had taken off and he immediately set out to intercept him. It was seven days of hard travel before he was able to catch up and on one of those nights, God came to Laban in a dream and told him that he’d better watch his mouth when he speaks to Jacob.

Finally, he caught up to Jacob and went to have words with him.
        “What do you think you’re doing, man? Why’d you take off with my daughters, like they were your hostages? Why didn’t you just come and tell me that you wanted to go? I’d have seen you off with a party! But you do this to me, it makes me want to hurt you, Jake. And I could, you know. I could hurt you. The only reason you’re not bleeding out into the sane is because your God asked me not to hurt you. And I know you want to get back home and see your dad again...you have for a long time, but why’d you have to go and steal my little statues of my gods?”
        “I left because I was afraid that you would take your daughters from me. As for who took your idols...you got me. You find them, then you can feel free to whack whoever has them,” Jacob replied, totally unaware that his wife had stolen the idols.

So Laban went on a tent-by-tent search, tearing everything apart, trying to find his idols. But Rachel was smart, she hid them in her camel’s saddle and sat on them and then told her father that she was on her period, so that he wouldn’t look there.

When the search was complete and the idols were nowhere to be seen, Jacob became furious.
        “What the hell did I ever do to you, Laban, that you’d tear-ass across the desert to catch up to me? You’ve gone through all my stuff and what did you find? Huh? Go on, lay it out so everyone can see what I’ve stolen from you! Oh, you don’t have anything? Because it seems to me that I’ve been working for you for twenty years! Fourteen years for your daughters, six years for the cattle. In all that time, I have never stolen anything. I’ve never eaten your meat, I’ve been the one responsible for any lost or stolen animals. Every day and night I worked, sweating and parched in the day, frostbitten at night. And how did you treat me in return? By changing my wages ten times! If it weren’t for the fact that you’re afraid of my God, you’d have sent me away empty-handed by now.”
        “Okay,” replied Laban, “Let’s come to an agreement here. Let’s make a big pile of rocks.”

So they made a big pile of rocks and Laban called it Jegar-sahadutha. But that name sucked, so Jacob called it Galeed. They all ate a big feats on top of the heap of stones, but when it came to deal-time, it was just Jacob, Laban, and the Heap. And God, I guess.
        “Now just you remember,” said Laban, “If you mistreat my daughters or marry additional wives, that God stands witness to our pact here. That said, I will never cross this pile of rocks to do you harm, if you’ll swear the same. And no going around, either. Just pretend the pile marks an invisible border.”

Jacob swore on his father, with God as witness, to uphold the treaty, with God as witness. Then they broke bread and, in the morning, Laban kissed his daughters and grandchildren (well, grandsons...the jury’s still out on poor Dinah, his granddaughter) and went back home.

It's All a Trick of the Devil

Creationists have been getting a lot of press lately, with their new propaganda film out and their continued efforts to undermine the teaching of science in our school system. These creationists, the ones who hide behind the pseudo-scientific title of “Intelligent Design,” clearly have no understanding of evolutionary theory or even science in general. They are woefully misinformed and, as I’ve discussed elsewhere, approach the whole issue from the wrong end; trying to punch holes in a theory in order to validate their theory, rather than getting any evidence to support their views. These are people who, because of their preconceived notions, genuinely feel that the evidence supporting evolution is flawed or inconclusive. They may believe the Earth is six thousand years old and they may fight tooth-and-nail against anything that contradicts the word of the Bible but I genuinely feel that most of them, if presented with the full scope of the evidence in support of evolution, would at least take it upon themselves to look more closely at the matter, rather than stick dogmatically to their views. That isn’t to say that they would necessarily change their minds, but that if they really knew the full extent of the evidence in support of Evolution, their curiosity would get the best of them and they might be able to look at the situation more objectively.

Less likely to stray from the dogma, however, are the creationists that do accept that the evidence we have clearly supports the theory of Evolution. How can someone that will admit that the evidence supports the theory be a creationist, though? By believing that the evidence is--you guessed it--a trick of the Devil.

Let me go back several years for a moment, back to my very first experience with a Young Earth Creationist. I was about 20 and had only just recently learned that there were people--Americans, no less--who truly believed the Earth to be only six thousand years old. When I first heard this, I immediately thought “Wait...how do they explain dinosaur fossils in their world view?” When I finally met a Young Earth Creationist, I wasted no time in asking the dinosaur question. The answer, as it turns out, is that dinosaur bones are a Trick of the Devil. As if, upon the invention of the shovel, the Prince of Lies worried that the humans would dig straight down to Hell, and decided that ancient bones of giant beasts would be sufficient distraction to prevent such an occurrence. This was, of course, before the phrase “Intelligent Design” was thought up by some brilliant evangelical PR man and thus, before the popularization of the now generally-accepted-by-creationists notion that dinosaurs and man peacefully co-existed.

There are still people, right here in the USA, that think this way. That think that the 150 years of compiled evidence in support of evolution, even right down to the evidence contained within our DNA, is nothing more than the Devil’s trickery. How can you possibly convince these people otherwise? Well, you can’t. Not ever. The Trick of the Devil argument is the ultimate logic-stopper. It’s the adult equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling “LA LA LA LA LA LA, I can’t hear you!!” The Devil has played many roles in the mythology of the Bible and now, in the face of overwhelming, mutually supported evidence, he has been cast as the Mark Furman in the OJ trial of Evolution.

It’s quite the confusing situation. On the one hand, these are people who are reasonable enough to look at the sheer amount of the evidence and logically conclude that it empirically supports Evolution. On the other hand, they believe that the only reason Evolution is so clearly obvious is because that’s what the Devil wants us to think! Where does the line get drawn on such reasoning? At what point can someone in that mindset accept anything as reality? After all, it is the clearest example of willful ignorance I can think of. They choose to believe it is a trick of the Devil because they simply aren’t willing to accept the alternative, no matter what the physical world my have to say about it. So where is the line? If one of these people comes home to find their spouse murdered, for example, can they accept that? If they’re unable to accept the shock to their world that the truth of Evolution would be, how can they possibly accept that God would allow someone to murder their beloved husband or wife? If you go to the museum, a dinosaur fossil is just as tangible as the mutilated corpse of a loved one. God could not allow such a thing, the corpse must be a trick of the Devil, right?

Yes, that example may be a bit extreme, but that’s the point. If you’re willing to accept that objects that you can hold in your hand can have been created by Satan to mislead you, then there’s literally no limit, no cut-off that can be clearly defined for what can be accepted as fact and what is test or a ploy perpetuated by the Nemesis. It is the ultimate form of conspiracy theory, where literally everything can be fabricated, in some cases with God’s consent, to lead us to the wrong conclusions. It’s a small stumble from that place to a state of being fully delusional, forming your own beliefs regardless of what you may see, hear, taste, smell or feel to the contrary.

Make no mistake about my intention; I think that most of the people who use the “Trick of the Devil” argument will never use it for anything but as a trap door to escape a debate that their religion can’t win. But it’s important to acknowledge the full extent of the self-deception at work in such seemingly innocuous statements. Only a tiny fraction of one percent of such people may ever make the leap to full-blown paranoid delusions ... but they’re all standing on the precipice.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #17: Battle of the Wombs

Genesis, Chapter 30:

Seeing how many children Jacob fathered with Leah, Rachel became quite jealous.
        “Jacob, you give me babies or I swear I’m gonna die!”
        “Hey, it’s not my fault God dried up your womb!”
        “Fine, go have sex with my handmaiden and she’ll bear me some proxy babies!”

So Jacob did as his irrational swinger wife demanded and had a baby with her handmaiden. This pleased Rachel to no end and she sent him once again to bed her servant, and another son was born. And Rachel once again felt superior to Leah.

Leah, for her part, could see that her marital advantage was quickly being eroded and, still walking funny from the first four children she bore, sent her handmaiden to bear more children in her stead. And the servant had two of Jacob’s sons. So Leah now felt like she was back on top.

Then Reuben, Jacob’s eldest child with Leah, was out in the fields and found some mandrakes and brought them to Leah. For some reason, Rachel really wanted some of those mandrakes and asked Leah for some.
        “Oh,” Leah replied, “first you steal my man now you want my son’s mandrakes?”
        “Bitch,” Rachel undoubtedly wanted to reply, “Dad had to trick him into your bed, but he chose me, you skanky ho-bag!” Out loud she said, “Oh, for crying out loud! Give me some damn mandrakes and he’ll come screw you tonight, okay?”

So when Jacob came in from the field, Leah intercepted him,
        “Hey, your ‘favorite’ wife just sold your penis to me for the night in exchange for some veggies, so come give it to me, big boy.”

This apparently seemed to God like a virtuous arrangement, so he blessed Leah with yet another son. And then another. Then she felt that surely, having had six of his children, Jacob would move out of Rachel’s place and come live with her instead. She had a daughter anyway, just to sweeten the deal.

God, who had to have been amused by these women battling for the presumably well-endowed Jacob, decided to make things a little more interesting; he unlocked Rachel’s womb, making her the third straight generation in her family to have a barren womb that was made fertile by God. Shockingly, she had a son. She named him Joseph.

About this time, Jacob went to Laban,
        “Okay, man,” he said, “I’ve been working for you for fourteen years. Give me my wives and my kids and let me go home.”
        “Oh, man...I was afraid you were gonna say that. See, you and your kids have been a lot of free labor for me and I’m afraid my farm is gonna go to crap without you! I want you to stay, name your price.”
        “Dude, look. When I got here, you had, like, nothing. Now look at you. You have more cattle than you know what to do with. I did my time, now let me go home and provide for my own family.”
        “Jacob, please stay...just tell me what you want.”
        “I don’t want anything from you. Just let me leave. If you do that, I will tend to your herds once more. I’ll go through and separate from the herd all the speckled and spotted animals and give them to you, fed and cared for. When I am done caring for the flock, the ones that are not spotted will be mine and the rest yours to keep.”
        “Um...sure?”

So Laban took all the spotted, speckled, etc and gave them to his sons and then put three days distance between him and Jacob.

Jacob took this time to use aphrodisiacs on the animals to get them to mate and paired them up to selectively breed them so that he would get all the good, strong ones while Laban was left with all the weak, feeble ones. Just goes to show what happens when you screw a guy out of seven extra years of his life in order to saddle him with a wife he never wanted.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #16: Jacob Gets Hitched

Genesis, Chapter 29:

After a dream made Jacob decide to give 10% of all his stuff to God, he continued his journey and ended up at the same well where a servant had found his mother on his hunt for a wife for Isaac. Gathered around the well were sheep herders, there to water the sheep.
        “Hey guys,” he called out, “Where you all from?”
        “We’re from Haran,” one of them answered.
        “Oh, cool! You know Laban?”
        “Oh, sure. Good guy.”
        “He doin’ all right, then?”
        “Yeah, he’s doing well. In fact, here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep now.”

When Rachel came near, Jacob rolled the stone off the well because no one else was willing to, and watered the sheep for her. Apparently, he felt that this earned him some “play” because he kissed here right there and in the manliest way possible, cried. After kissing her, Jacob told Rachel that he was her cousin and she ran and told her father. It should be noted that this was due to excitement, not disgust at having made out with her cousin. They were, indeed, different times.

When Laban got the news, he rushed out and met Jacob and embraced him, even kissed him.

Jacob stayed there for a month before Laban said to him,
        “Jacob, you’re family. I can’t have you helping out around here for free. How do you want to be paid?”
        “Oh. Well, uh, I was thinking I could, like, marry Rachel. She’s seriously hot. In fact, I will work for you for seven years in return for her hand in marriage.”

Jacob clearly had not heard how easily the family was willing to marry off its women and that he could have been on his way back home with a new wife come morning if he hadn’t made this ridiculous proposal. Laban, for his part, was not a stupid man. Though he admitted that it would be better for Jacob to have her than anyone else, he wasn’t about to pass up seven years of free labor; he accepted.

So after seven years of indentured servitude, Jacob went to Laban,
        “Okay, Laban. It’s seven years now. Give me Rachel so I can finally have sex with her.”

So Laban put together a great feast for all the men of the village (the women, presumably, were too busy cooking to attend) and, that night, gave his older daughter Leah to Jacob. Jacob, perhaps blinded by seven years of built-up horniness, did not notice that he had been given the wrong wife until he woke the next morning beside her. By this time, of course, he had released the pent-up horniness and was seeing clearly. And seeing red.

        “Dude, what the Hell?!” he demanded of Laban, “I just worked seven years for Rachel, and you give me Leah?! I’m gonna sue your ass for breach of contract!”
        “Jacob...it is just not our way here to give away the younger daughter before the first-born has been married. Tell you what; after Leah has been your wife for a week, I’ll give you Rachel in addition and you can work another seven years for me, since you get two of my daughters.”
        “Fine.”

So, the deal was made and, after a week, Jacob got the wife he wanted in addition to the one he didn’t want and he loved Rachel very much, never having cared all that much for Leah in the first place. And, yes, after taking Rachel for his wife, Jacob was fleeced out of another seven years of his life, working for Laban to pay off Leah, whom he never wanted in the first place. In hindsight, it was clearly very wise for Abraham to refuse to allow Isaac from traveling to pick his own wife, because he clearly knew that a guy could get fleeced out of fourteen years of his life for the sake of a woman.

God, meanwhile, saw that Leah was hated and, in a move that makes one wonder if He knew the whole story, He made Leah extra-fertile, while making Rachel the third consecutive generation of barren-wombed women in her family.

So Leah had a son named Ruben and was convinced that the feat of bearing him a male heir would make Jacob love her. When that didn’t happen, she had another son and named him Simeon. Again, she thought that bearing two sons would make Jacob love her. Not so much. So she went for a third: Levi. Still no love. Lastly, she gave birth to Jacob’s fourth son, Judah, and gave up trying to earn Jacob’s love through baby-making.

It is worth noting that, as much as Jacob loved Rachel, he didn’t seem to have any issue with seemingly consistent sex with her sister. Stay tuned for more tales from the book where all our morals come from, right here on Resurrecting Reason!

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