What are televangelists really like?

Way back in September, 2006, my girlfriend and I were flipping through channels sometime after midnight and we came across a televangelical show called “Live Prayer.” We decided to watch for a few minutes, just for fun. The topic was on the evils of gambling, pretty much your standard sanctimonious fare. After only a few minutes, the host, Bill Keller (not to be confused with the New York Times’ Bill Keller!) received a call from a man who started a story with a claim to have won money gambling in, if I recall correctly, Atlantic City. Keller immediately called him a liar and disconnected the call, launching immediately into a tirade against the caller who was now unable to defend himself.

I found this in extreme distaste and more than a little un-Christian-like. So, of course I called in. I called in and I asked him if Christ would have censored that person and called him a liar. I, in turn, was disconnected and referred to as a “Tool of Satan.”

Well, I couldn’t just leave it at that, now could I?

So I sent him the following email:

From: Shawn McBee
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 2:09 AM
To: bkeller@liveprayer.com
Subject: In need of help.


Hi Bill,

Your website has a quote that calls you the "Dr. Phil of Prayer."
Having watched your show tonight and called in, I think it is more
accurate to call you the "Bill O'Reilly of prayer." One caller,
claiming to have won money gambling, was summarily dismissed as a
liar, and I was called a "tool of Satan" for questioning the piety of
that action.

A person with a strong faith in the power of the Lord's word would
not be so averse to hearing something he doesn't agree with. The
fact is, people do win money gambling or no one would do it. I have
an acquaintance who won a $17m dollar jackpot at the Florida Lotto,
and if you had let me speak, maybe your message would have been
helped along, as that person did not know how to handle that money
and now, a few years later is back to working at a car wash.
Instead, you chose to shield yourself from dissenting views.

You, sir, are no Christian. I am an Atheist and I adhere to the
words and deeds of Jesus more than you.

-Shawn McBee

I was somewhat surprised the next afternoon to find a response from him in my inbox. But I was shocked at the tone and content of the email:

On Sep 28, 2006, at 4:19 PM, Bill Keller wrote:


LOL!!..first..I was 100% RIGHT..you ARE a tool of satan..all those who deny
God your Creator are satans' tools..pretty amazing I knew who you were
immeidatly..God showed me..as for the other idiot..you don't hear what
happens since we are on a 7 second delay..he was nothing but a typical prank
caller..btw..I you are like your daddy satan.quoting God's Word..the very
Word YOU reject..yet like satan..not knowing how to quote it
properly..LOL!!..run along son..you are out of your league..

Know that I am praying for you, be richly blessed,
Bill Keller
Founder, www.liveprayer.com

That has not been edited at all. Everything from his total lack of formatting to his total lack of tact, grammar and punctuation is exactly as I received it. I particularly liked the stock complimentary close that is in complete opposition to the tone of the rest of the email. His mocking tone shocked and flabbergasted me. I could not imagine that Jesus would taunt and deride any other person in such a manner, let alone say that they are like their “Daddy Satan.” I just had to reply.

From: "Shawn McBee"
To: "Bill Keller" <bkeller@liveprayer.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 7:42 PM
Subject: Re: In need of help.


Dear Sir,

Even though I am an Atheist, I try to subscribe to the teachings of Christ, as they preach kindness, love of your fellow man, and tolerance. Jesus would have thought of someone claiming Atheism as a lost lamb, and would try to bring that person into His light. You, who are essentially representing Him on Earth, have bullied, insulted and ridiculed me. These unkind words for someone who could be in desperate need of guidance to accept Jesus into their hearts only serves to push them away. Atheist or no, I know that Jesus would not have wanted that.

I pity you, that you have dedicated your life to a set of ideals that you, yourself, cannot manage to live by.

I hope that you find peace in life, and forgiveness after.

Truly,

Shawn McBee.

Yeah, I laid it on a little thick there, I must admit. The point was to keep above the fray, to maintain my demeanor and grasp of the English language, despite the fact that by now it was abundantly clear that I was dealing with some sort of Man-Child. As you can imagine, he responded.

LOL!!..go sell that pile of dog poop to someone else..spare me...you have no more interest in the TRUTH than an Eskimo does in buying ice cubes..LOL!!..you cna't pick and choose what Jesus said..let me educate you..He also said that thsoe who rejected Him will burn in HELL..how about that one Shawny??..LOL!!!...still like Jesus?..I don't feel sorry for you..you watch me..you have heard the Truth..you choose to reject it..sorry..when you burn in hell..you won't have anyone to blame but yourself..enjoy..
You will be in my prayers, be richly blessed,
Bill Keller
www.liveprayer.com

He called me “Shawny.” Honestly. He clearly thought that this exchange was happening on a school playground. I decided that I would not reply. I was clearly never going to get an intelligent reply, so I dropped it.

I just wanted to illustrate the arrogant, bullying, derisive, mocking tone taken. I wanted people to see what these people (at least this one) are really like.

Anyone have a similar story? Lay ‘em on me!

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #15: Jacob has a Dream

Genesis, Chapter 28:

Because Rebekah suddenly got it into her head that she didn’t want Jacob marrying a Canaanite girl, Isaac called his son to him.
        “Listen, boy. I know it was you I blessed. In return for my blessing, you can’t marry a Canaanite. You’ll marry a first cousin, like your father before you. And God will pass Abraham’s blessing to you and your seed will multiply and all that jazz. Now go and marry your Mom’s niece.”

Esau overheard this and, having already married a Canaanite girl, thought he’d better go marry a cousin, as well. So he went and married from the other side of the family, marrying one of Ishmael’s kids.

Meanwhile, Jacob set out for his mother’s home-town to marry her brother’s daughter. He traveled until night fell and then decided to take a nap, using some rocks as a comfy pillow, because people were more badass in those days.

As he slept, he dreamt of a ladder to Heaven which the angels used to travel between Heaven and Earth. At the top of the ladder, he saw God, who said,
        “Jacob, I am God. I’m a friend of your granddad’s. Anyway, I’m going to give you the land you’re lying on. And I’ll multiply your seed and all that. And I’ll be sticking right by you until I’ve fulfilled my promise.”

Jacob woke with a start, freaked out that God was there and he didn’t even know it. He also thought fleetingly that the place, the gate of Heaven itself, was a bit creepy.

When morning came he made a pillar out of his pillow-rocks and named that place Bethel, even though it was already called Luz.

“Okay,” he decided, “If God sticks with me and gives me bread and clothes until I get back to my Dad’s, then he can be my God. And this rock will be His house, and I will give him 10% of my income.” He said these words without the slightest idea that they would one day result in yachts for televangelists.

How Smart Was Darwin?

In a recent interview promoting his propaganda film, “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed,” Ben Stein stated that Darwin had no idea about the complexity of the cell, was totally ignorant of DNA, RNA, the Human Genome, how chromosomes and genes worked, etc. To Ben Sein I say: EXACTLY!

Exactly, Ben. Charles Darwin did not know about these things in the nineteenth century. He was ignorant about a great many things that would come later, both in general science and in his field of biology. And yet, he still managed to come up with an exquisite, unifying theory of biological sciences that would be reinforced and strengthened by those future discoveries of things he could not even conceive of. It was the understanding that his theories brought that even allowed us to discover things like DNA in the first place.

And it isn’t just discoveries in the field of biology that have given countless pieces of empirical evidence in support of evolution, but discoveries in the fields of geography, geology, chemistry, genetics, climatology and several other sciences that I’ve probably never even heard of. For the sake of argument, however, let’s focus just on biology for a moment, with a quick detour through physics.

The holy grail of physics is a universal, unifying Theory of Everything. Currently, we have String Theory, M-Theory, various forms of Quantum Mechanics, Thermo-Dynamics, Gravity, Relativity, etc. Physicists have been looking for a single Theory that ties all these things together for a long time. Albert Einstein attempted it, Carl Sagan tried, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Wolfram and hundreds or thousands of physicists whose names are not known outside of the scientific sphere. Still, it eludes them.

The theory that has so long eluded physicists has a cousin, though. One, unifying theory that connected all the other theories of a particular scientific discipline. One that, once discovered, became the foundation, the underpinning of the entire study, allowing a deeper understanding of that science that, in turn, resulted in an explosion of new and exciting discoveries and advances in that science that would not have been possible otherwise. In the field of Biology, that universal, unifying theory is called Evolution.

Prior to Evolutionary Theory, biology was a lot like physics is today; a lot of individual, unrelated theories, each explaining an aspect or small group of aspects of life. One day, we may have an equivalent theory in physics. When that happens, we’ll have the key to the secrets of the universe. Our understanding of the way matter and energy work at every level from the sub-atomic to the cosmological will surge forward, growing exponentially and allowing for technological advances beyond our imaginations. While such a theory would give the fundamentalist Christians far more trouble than Evolution ever could, we’ll save that topic for another day. So, how come no one’s come along with weak or insubstantial evidence and made the claim to have found such a theory? Because it would never hold up. Science has a very strict way of disseminating, testing, verifying and insuring the accuracy of information. By the time the general public hears about a scientific discovery, it’s already been making the rounds for months or even years. Here’s how it works, to the best of my understanding:

        -Through the scientific method, a discovery is made
        -The scientist or team that made the discovery documents, to the smallest detail, the process they used to test, reproduce and validate the discovery, as well as what other science or knowledge they built on to arrive at their conclusions. All referenced works are listed in an incredibly thorough bibliography.
        -This paper is sent to scientific peers, other accredited scientists that specialize in the same field or related fields relevant to the claims set forth in the paper.
        -These peers, which often number in the hundreds or thousands, review the paper, checking sources, verifying claims, and using the (verified) results of their own research to cross-check the paper’s claims.
        -If inaccuracies are found, these are reported back to the scientist or team that submitted the paper, and further tests are done.
        -Once the peer review process is complete and all the information in the paper has been determined to be as accurate as can be determined with current knowledge, it is finally released for public dissemination, where anyone can read the findings.
        -As more evidence and information become available, more papers will be written, each with the possibility that future discoveries may disprove previous ones, thus furthering our collective knowledge of life, the universe and everything.

There are a couple of reasons I point out the steps in this process. First of all, it is to illustrate that scientific discoveries are not really open to debate by people like Ben Stein. By the time Stein hears about them, the most knowledgeable people in the field have already worked tirelessly to ensure its accuracy. Secondly, it is to illustrate the rigorous process that any scientific claims must go through. It takes a million collaborative pieces to form a theory, but only one tiny inconsistency or piece of contradictory evidence to destroy it. Because of the process outlined above, the general public never hears about theories, hypotheses or discoveries that don’t stand up to scrutiny. Yet, in over 150 years, Evolution has added billions of pieces of evidence to support it, including things that its discoverer could never have conceived of. Yet, in those 150 years, it has stood up to scrutiny, without a single piece of contradictory evidence. All it would take to disprove Evolution would be a certain type of fossil that is older than it should be, or younger than it should be. Or a gene sequence that wasn’t what we would expect through evolution. Or something even smaller.

So, how smart was Darwin? He was smart enough to figure out the key to understanding life on Earth without the benefit of seeing it at work at the cellular level, without the benefit of observing the patterns in genetic tests that show it, without having the tiniest idea that something like DNA even existed. Figuring out Evolution with nineteenth century technology and science is the equivalent of the Wright Brothers skipping straight to building the Concord.

I’d say he was pretty smart.




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No Bullshit Bible Lesson #14: Jacob's Deceit

Genesis, Chapter 27:

As God promised Abraham, his son Isaac became a great man. But even great men grow old and Isaac, no exception to the rule, found himself blind and infirm. Knowing that his days were numbered, he called for his eldest son, Esau.
        "Esau," he said, "I am seriously old. I could die, like, any minute. Go out to the field and bring me back some nice, fresh venison and I will bless you before I die."
        "Okay, Dad! I'd be glad to buy your blessings rather than have them given out of love!" And off he went.

Rebekah overheard this and called Jacob, the son she loved, over to her.
        "Jacob, your dad is going to bless Esau in return for a steak. Go out to the flock and kill two baby goats. Then you can bring him the meat he loves so much while Esau is still trying to hunt one, and you'll get the blessing."
        "Dad is totally going to see through that. If he touches me, he'll know I'm not Esau because I'm not covered in hair like Esau is. Dad'll see through it and curse me!"
        "Oh, stop whining. If he curses you, I'll bear the curse. Now do as I say."

So, he went and killed some goat-babies and Rebekah made some tasty venison. She then gave Jacob some of Esau's clothes to wear and strapped bits of the goat' pelts to his hands and neck, to simulate the frightening mutant hairiness of Esau.

Jacob approached Isaac.
        "Father, I have your food."
        "Who are you?"
        "Um. I'm totally Esau. Now eat up so you can bless me."
        "How'd you hunt down and cook a critter so fast?" he asked suspiciously.
        "Oh. Uh...God? Yeah, that's it...God gave it to me."
        "Hmmm....C'mere and let me feel you," he said, foreshadowing the statements of future Clergymen.

Jacob stepped forward and Isaac took his hands.
        "The voice is Jacob's, but the hands are Esau's"

Despite the observation that he sounded just like Jacob, Isaac bought it. Hook, Line and Sinker.
        "Okay, bring me the venison before it gets cold, then I can bless you."

So they ate the venison and bread together and had some nice wine.
        "Okay, boy: May the Lord bless you with abundant rain and fat crops and lots of corn and wine. Your servants will bow before you, nations will bow before you, your brothers will bow before you and, y'know, the usual stuff about people that bless you being blessed and people that curse you being cursed."
        "Awesome. Thanks, Pop."

He split. Moments later, Esau came in with some fresh venison.
        "Hey, sit up, Dad. I brought some venison for you so you'll bless me!"
        "Who are you?"
        "Esau. Remember, you sent me to get you some num-nums?"

Isaac began trembling with rage.
        "I have just eaten venison and blessed the person that brought it to me."
        "Oh...bless me, too, Dad!"
        "You don't get it: Your brother came in here and tricked me into giving him your blessing."
        "Aw, that little shit! First he took my birthright, and now my damn blessing?! Well, you have to have a spare blessing for me, right?"
        "Well, I already made him your Master, decreed that all his brethren are his servants, and made sure he'll be good on corn and wine forever. Is there anything I missed that might be left over for you?"
        "Aw, just give me something." He was now on the verge of whining.
        "Okay, you'll...uh...have rain and good crops, you'll serve your brother very well and...let's see....one day you'll break free of his authority."

Esau took his half-assed blessing and thought about how much he hated his little dip-shit brother. He decided he was going to kill him as soon as Isaac died. And he wasn't too quiet about it either, because word got back to his Mom.

When Rebekah heard about Esau's fratricidal plans, she warned Jacob to run away and stay with her brother until Esau cooled off. Then she went and told Isaac that she sure hopes Jacob doesn't marry one of those slutty girls from Heth. Isaac likely wondered where the hell that came from. I certainly did.

The Atheist Spot

There is a new service out called the Atheist Spot. It is an article rating system similar to Digg, but exclusively for Atheists. As someone who is frustrated year after year by the fact that there's nowhere for an Atheist to get some food on Christmas, it's nice to see that someone has made something just for us.

I'll be adding some of my articles over there so if you like something I write, please feel free to go to The Atheist Spot and vote it up. And, while you're there, look around, because there's a lot of great Atheist content on there and it's only going to get better as the site grows.

www.AtheistSpot.com

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #13: Isaac comes into his own.

Genesis, Chapters 25-26:

Now that Isaac had gotten a wife, Abraham decided to remarry, and he did. And his new wife had a whole bunch of kids, who Abraham gave presents and sent away so that Isaac wouldn’t have to share his inheritance. Abraham did finally die, aged 175. And Isaac did not, in fact, have to share his inheritance with anyone.

Isaac and Ishmael buried Abraham next to Sarah.

Having finished the task of burying his father, Ishmael went back home and did what people did then: he had a lot of babies. Isaac, in turn, attempted to do the same, but was momentarily prevented from doing so because his wife, much like his mother, was totally infertile. Isaac was a bit smarter than his dad though, and instead of just feeling sorry for himself, he went and asked God to fix it. God did, and soon Isaac and Rebekah were expecting twins.

Rebekah had something of a rough pregnancy and went to ask God why.
        “You have two nations in you,” He said, “One of your kid will be the patriarch of a strong people, who will be subservient to the weaker ones of your other child.”
        “Oh.”

The twins were Esau, who was born red and possibly hairy, and Jacob. Finally, after twenty years of marriage, Isaac had some heirs.

The boys grew up, Esau was a decent hunter, and Jacob was pretty boring and lived in tents. Isaac and Rebekah, not being the best parents, each picked one child to love. Isaac loved Esau, because they shared a love of venison, and Rebekah loved Jacob, presumably because Isaac got to pick first.

One day Esau stumbled out of the field, nearing death from exertion. He came to Jacob’s tent, where he was making some tasty-looking red stew.
        “Jacob, I am totally in need of some food. Help me out, huh?”
        “Umm....Tell you what; I will sell you some stew in return for your birthright.”
        “Well, I am dying,” Esau said, too weak to notice what a dick his brother was being, “guess my birthright isn’t much good to me dead.”
        “Deal, then?”
        “Sure.”

So Esau sold his birthright for some bread and lentil stew, then went on his way.

Isaac and Rebekah, meanwhile, found themselves in the middle of a famine and had to move. As for their destination, God told Isaac where to go and reiterated the promises of greatness that he had made to Abraham. So Isaac settled down in Gerar.

In Gerar, which was within Abimelech’s lands, he pulled the same crap on Abimelech that his dad had done: he told everyone that his hot wife was actually his sister, because he was paranoid that people would kill him to take her. Rich people have always been paranoid about being killed on the street, apparently.

Of course, when Abimelech figured out what was up, he called Isaac out on his shit, then had word spread that anyone that messed with Isaac or Rebekah would be put to death.

This allowed Isaac time to tend the fields and he saw a hundred-fold return on his investment and God blessed him. This trend kept up and Isaac became fabulously wealthy and the Philistines were pretty jealous. So jealous, in fact, that they went and filled in all the wells that had been dug by Abraham’s servants.

Abimelech then went to Isaac and said, “You should just go, man. You’re just...you’re too awesome for us.” Because, truly, Isaac was like a movie star living in Flint, Michigan.

So Isaac left and went to...Gerar? Maybe it was a different place called Gerar. Yeah...like moving from Detroit, Michigan to Detroit, Oregon. Or Paris, France to Paris, Texas. Anyway, he left Gerar and went to Gerar and he had all the wells re-dug. The herdsmen of Gerar claimed that the water was theirs, so Isaac’s people had to dig another, but the herdsmen claimed that one, too. So they had to keep doing that until everyone had enough water and the herdsmen stopped being such babies and learned to share.

All this well-digging ended up in Beer-sheba, where God came to him.
        “Hey.”
        “Oh, hey God. How’s it hangin’?”
        “Good. Listen, just wanted to let you know I got your back. Me an’ your old man were tight, so I’m lookin’ out for you because I told him I would,” He said, sounding like a cop taking on a rookie partner in a movie.

So Isaac built an altar and pitched a tent and, just for good measure, dug one more well. Shortly after that, Abimelech came up from Gerar with a friend of his as well as the Captain of the Army.

        “Um...why are you here? I know you hate me; you kicked me off your land.”
        “Oh. Uh, well...y’see...We noticed you’re friends with God and all, so we thought maybe we could make a deal. Y’know we kicked you out and stuff, but we did it peacefully, right? I mean, we haven’t harmed you. We just thought, maybe you could, like, not harm us either?”
        “Sure. Here’s some food.”

And they ate, spent the night, and went in peace. The peace he had made with Abimelech, coupled with the subsequent finding of water, had Isaac feeling pretty good. Then Esau had to go and spoil it by marrying some daughter of Hittites, which spoiled Isaac’s mood and Rebekah’s.

This is why religion is not allowed in public schools

An Ohio public middle school teacher named John Freshwater is being accused of outwardly promoting religion in class and even burning crosses into his student’s arms. Oh, yes, you read that right. The case is actually about his unwillingness to remove his personal bible from his classroom desk. It is only incidental to the case that they mention the branding of students and, oh, yes, some religious healing. Did I mention this is what passes for a science teacher in Ohio?

As is typical of the religious, the Freshwater and his attorneys are dismissive of anything that doesn’t directly involve the single bible on his desk. They say that it is about his own personal beliefs being violated, rather than a case of a man in a secular school pushing his religion on his students. This line of thinking, though, is entirely dependent on ignoring the fact that the bible in question is just the last of many religious articles that have adorned the class. His refusal to remove the bible is noteworthy because he has already been forced to remove a poster of the Ten Commandments, several posters with bible verses and a shelf of bibles. And now he’s drawing a line in the sand for his personal beliefs, despite the fact that the already removed items indicate an extreme desire to use the classroom to proselytize his religion.

The best part is his “spokesman,” Dave Daubenmire, is a former London High School football coach who gained some notoriety back in ‘99 when his school district was sued because he led his players in prayer at games and practices. Furthermore, he tries to discredit the student-branding as “character assassination” because it’s an “old allegation” from waaayyyy back in December! Oh, my! You mean to tell me that these crazy liberals are bringing up something that first came to light 5 whole months ago?! Why, this poor man! And why is the allegation 5 months old? Because when the parents of one of the students complained about it, the school board did nothing.

The icing on the cake is that students are defending this faith-healing kid-brander. But what do you expect? This is Ohio we’re talking about.

The whole story can be read at the Columbus Dispatch.

Christian license plate not happening

Well, the Florida state Senate has shot down the license plate I mentioned yesterday. Apparently, the plate was on a bill that would introduce several other, non-controversial specialty plates and the “I Believe” plate was cut from the bill so as not to weigh down the chances of the non-religious plates.

Also, it seems that Faith in Teaching, the organization behind the plate’s proposal, didn’t adhere to the proper submission guidelines. Apparently, they hired a firm to gather the necessary signatures and that firm in turn submitted invalid signatures.

Man, can Christians ever play fair?

Atheism in Communist nations

The religious have a tendency to tout Stalin, Polpot and other communists as evidence that Atheism is evil and does more harm than religion. They look to the wrongs perpetrated by communist nations in general as a sign of the dangers of atheism. The problem with that reasoning, of course, is that the people of these nations are in no way atheists. These people do not just one day say “The communists have taken over, now we can stop pretending to be religious and show our atheism to the world!” No, their ability to practice their religion is a right that is stripped from them just like all their other rights.

See, Communism is like fascism in that it stresses a nationalist agenda above all else. The practicing of religion is banned because there should be nothing held in higher regard than the Homeland. As the Abrahamic God commanded that “Thou Shalt Not Worship False Idols,” He, Himself has been deemed a false idol in the eyes of Communist dictators who seek to establish complete control over their people. Worship none but the Homeland.

Let’s take a look at America’s stance on communism over the past 60 years, shall we?

Nearly the moment the Communists took control of Russia, we in America were Anti-Communist. We had a cold war with the USSR that lasted half a century. In the fifties, people’s lives and careers were ruined in Joe McCarthy’s communist witch-hunt. I’ve often wondered what the big deal was. It was, after all, membership in a political party. There was nothing illegal about belonging to a particular political party, was there? On continued our hatred of the “Ruskies.” We were determined to prove that democracy was better, that we could advance more. We developed the Nuke first, triggering a half-century-long arms race. We raced them to the moon. When a volley ball-sized satellite called Sputnik was launched into space by the Russians in 1957, we panicked. They got to space before us.

When the Soviet Union was dissolved in 1991, it was a great day for Democracy...Communism had been defeated! Hooray! But, wait...there were still over a billion communists! We had forgotten about China, a gigantic, powerful, populous nation...a communist nation...with Nukes! Surely, the cold war wasn’t over? We still had to protect the world from the 1/6th of the population that was still communist, right?

Apparently not.

It seems that our problem with Communism really only stretched as far as the Soviet Union. Why, though? Why, once the Soviet Union was dissolved, did we no longer seem to see Communism as such an ever-present threat? Because communists are not atheists.

I know that seems like shoddy logic, but allow me to explain. Russians were, prior to the Communists taking power, Christians. They had very devout orthodox and protestant churches. Stalin and his cronies saw the worship of God as a threat to their power--you cannot control the people if they answer to a higher power. So they took that higher power away from the people. The practice of religion was banned. Of course, these are people of faith. They worshipped in secret or at least within the confines of their minds. For proof of this, you need look no further than modern-day Russia. Putin has been systematically trying to control the practice of religion, shutting down protestant churches and creating the Russian Orthodox Church as the de facto official religion. These denominations began showing up very shortly after the fall of Communism. Did a nation of Atheists decide to find God because their political situation had changed? Was there something inherently Christian about Democracy? Well, that’s what the religious right would have you believe. The real answer, of course, is that the religion was always there. It never went away, it just went into hiding. When a political atmosphere arrived that would not persecute the religious, it was once again safe to practice religion publicly.

China is a different story. When China became a Communist nation, religion was similarly banned, suppressed and persecuted. But, on the whole, it was not Christianity being persecuted. It was Buddhism, Taoism, and Chinese Folk Religion. Those people are already going to Hell, so Communism is okay in that circumstance, see? Communism is bad when it stops Christians from worshipping the Christian God.

Of course, all throughout China, people still practice their religion, though they are “officially” atheist. To call a communist government atheist is like saying that, if America were to officially become a Christian nation, with Christianity mandated, that I would be a Christian. Not on your life.




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I Believe in License Plates

The AP today is reporting that a Florida group called Faith In Teaching Inc. is pushing for a specialty plate depicting a cross and a stained glass window with the legend “I Believe.” (See Above).

There seems to be a bit of a hubbub over this, as might be expected. The ACLU, among others, see it as a violation of the separation of church and state, an endorsement of Christianity by a constitutionally secular government. I, for one, am vehemently opposed to “In God We Trust” on our legal tender, as well as “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance--but I am not opposed to this license plate, necessarily. First of all, the plates would be paid for by the people paying the extra fee to use them, not with tax dollars. Secondly, the phrase “I Believe” is a personal statement, clearly reflecting the views of the owner of the vehicle and no one else. Lastly, I don’t feel that it can be construed as the state endorsing Christianity anymore than the state endorses large mouth bass, Nascar, soccer, John Lennon or any one of the many sports teams in Florida.

Where I do have a problem, however, is that the bill that would approve this plate would also approve one bearing the legend “In God We Trust.” Here, I have o problem with “In,” “God” or “Trust.” I have a problem with “We.” “We” clearly indicates more than an individual. It could just mean the people in the car. It could, however, also mean “we, the people of Florida.” Individual expression of religion on a license plate is fine with me, “we” gets into the gray area wherein it can be construed that the state is endorsing a religion.

Furthermore, the State Representative who is sponsoring the plate, Rep. Edward Bullard, states that he would oppose an Atheist equivalent, with a slogan like “I Don’t Believe.”

Bullard, an Episcopalian Democrat of Florida’s 118th District, says that people who "believe in their college or university" or "believe in their football team" already have license plates they can buy. The new design is a chance for others to put a tag on their cars with "something they believe in." Yet, apparently, Atheists are not counted as a group whose beliefs are as important as your average Dolphins fan. I find it troubling that an Atheist such as myself, who is vociferously opposed to any breach of the government’s secularism, can be willing to accept this license plate, while a man who took an oath to uphold the constitution and its secular nature is not capable of reciprocating in kind.

I have the number to Rep. Bullard’s Tallahassee office and will be giving him a call tomorrow to discuss this, if I can get through to him personally.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #12: Kissin' Cousins

Genesis, Chapter 24:

The death of his wife, Sarah, left Abraham alone and very, very old. He sent for his eldest servant and asked him to fondle his thigh.
        “Nameless servant, I need you to do something for me. Swear that you will not choose my son’s wife from the wretched asses who live here, but that you’ll get him a nice little honey from my home country, someone related to me, preferably.”
        “Sure. But what if she doesn’t want to follow me all the way back here? Should I take Isaac out there?”
        “No! Whatever you do, don’t bring him there! If she won’t follow you, you’re off the hook.”

So the servant swore that he wouldn’t get Isaac a wife from the despicable Canaanites he lived amongst and that he wouldn’t bring him to the despicable place that his father came from, and would respect Abraham’s wishes that Isaac should only marry a cousin, or closer relative if possible. Thus, he set out for Mesopotamia, and the land of Nahor that Abraham escaped from.

When he arrived, he spotted a well and thought it would be a good place to pick up chicks. Presumably quite tired from his journey, he decided that he was proposing (for Isaac) to the first girl who was human enough to not refuse him water when he asked. No sooner had he decided that than Rebekah, one of Isaac’s cousins, came out to get some water.
        “Excuse me, but do you think you could spare some water for this poor, tired traveller?”
        “Sure.”
        “THANK YOU, GOD.”

So, upon verifying that, yes, her union to Isaac would be a game of genetic Russian Roulette, he gave her an earring and some bracelets and went to meet the family. They were very nice to him and gave him water to wash his feet and stuff, but he refused to eat the meat they offered until he had told them of his purpose for being there.

He then retold, word-for-word, the tale so far. In excruciating detail. Right up until the point that he came in the door.
        “Now,” he said, “How’s about it? Can I take your daughter and marry her to a cousin she’s never met that, for all you know, I could have made up, just because I claim it was a task from God?”
        “Well, yeah. If God said it, who are we to argue? Take her, total stranger. Take her in the name of the Lord and give her to your master, who we assume you have not fabricated.”
        “Awesome.”
        “Can we have about ten days to get used to the idea of losing our beloved Rebekah?”
        “Time is money, people. As I’ve already given all of you gold and jewels, I think it only fair that you let me get out of this rat-hole with your daughter.”
        “You got it.”

Rebekah agreed to this, so they got her all ready the next morning and blessed her for the journey.
        “Go, daughter,” Rebekah’s family said, “Be the mother to billions of people, and let them possess the gates of those who hate them.”

That may seem like a strange blessing to you, but there must have been a reason Abraham didn’t want Isaac setting foot in that place. Such blessings are likely indicative of that position. Anyway, they got on their camels and headed back to give Rebekah over to Isaac.

So one day, as Isaac was out meditating, he saw the camels crest the horizon and ran out to meet them.

        “Who’s that running over here like an overexcited child?” asked Rebekah.
        “That is my master,” replied the servant.

Throwing a veil over her face, she jumped from the camel to meet her new husband. When Isaac got to them and was eager to meet his new wife, the servant decided to tell Isaac the whole story of what he had done in what can only be assumed was excruciatingly tedious detail.

When Isaac had escaped the tedium of his servant’s tale, he took Rebekah back to his mother’s tent and married her. He loved her very much and the marriage helped him get over the death of his mommy. And the world waited for Freud to come around and explain that.

Indoctrination of Youth

There was a story on Digg the other day about a pair of young parents that got into a fight at the mother’s workplace that ended with the father’s arrest after he knocked over a computer and some video displays. The fight was about which gang the four-year-old would belong to. Yes, I mean “gang” literally. The mother wanted the boy to join the Crips, the father had his heart set on the West-Side Ballers.

Of course, this makes the news because it is insane and absurd that a four-year-old should be indoctrinated into a street gang by his parents. If they had both been members of the same gang, their kid would already be sporting a color-appropriate bandana and participating in gang activities.

Of course a story like this should be reported on the national news. So, why isn’t it all the other times it happens? Well, because, if every one of the 24 hour news networks were to spend 30 seconds talking about each such case, they would never talk about anything else, even if there were no overlap of instances amongst the networks. I know what you’re thinking, “Are street gangs really that prevalent?” Well, you clearly forgot what blog you’re on.

That’s right, I am talking about indoctrinating children into the “gang” of religion. A child is just not capable of deciding on a thing like what religion to be a part of, just like they can’t decide on a political party, street gang or country club. To force such a thing on a child is absurd and unfair. They become indoctrinated and, in far too many cases, blindly follow those childhood teachings into adulthood to the exclusion of all other viewpoints.

Of course, there’s nothing illegal about this, even in non-religious indoctrination. No one is arrested for forcing their child to be a liberal or conservative. Even being in a gang is not illegal, though many of the actions taken on the part of the gang certainly are. It just seems important to point out this terrible travesty. If parents weren’t allowed to force their views on their children, then more people would be able to make their own choices on things like religion. I feel that, without these early-childhood brainwashing practices, there would be a lot less fundamentals. After all, if they were raised in an environment where they were given equal access to all points of view, people would not be very likely to take religious views as being the most sensible option.

I suppose that’s why we’ll never see that world. If their children are allowed to think for themselves, their whole world falls apart. Poor souls.

An Apology

I must apologize for my recent absence. Real life has, quite unfortunately, gotten in the way of my ability to update the blog over the past several days. However, I have decided to take a page from the pages of Christianity and will no longer let reality stop me from my duties of spreading the Word. Of course, I only refer to not letting things get in my way of posting. My content will always be based in reality. Such is my curse.

Score one for science

I am extremely pleased to announce that I have personally and directly brought about a small victory for science in our schools.

My little sister, a Junior on High School, informed that, last year, her biology teacher stood before the class and informed them, point blank, that evolution is a myth. Furthermore, she then ignored the state curriculum that explicitly requires natural selection to be taught. What she filled it with, I can’t be sure. I can only be sure that it was not “Intelligent Design” or any other such nonsense. This, of course, was my first question of my sister.

After having heard this, I called the person in charge of the county science curriculum to enquire as to the official stance on this (at the time, I honestly did not know). Before answering my question, she seemed curious as to why I was asking. When I relayed my sister’s story, she seemed genuinely appalled and dismayed. The suspicious tone in her voice upon my asking about the county’s stance on evolution was no doubt due to a fear of an imminent argument with a fundamentalist quack wanting their child taught religion in school. In any case, she informed me in no uncertain terms that evolution was, in fact, part of the curriculum and intimated that she didn’t see how the teacher in question could possibly have taught any biology in the class, as evolution is the unifying theory that holds biology in its entirety together. She said that she would look into this and get back with me.

That was last week. Today, I received a call back and was informed that the teacher in question had been “spoken to” and that, as a precautionary measure, there would be meetings held with the science departments of every school in the county to clarify and reinforce the policy of teaching science in the classroom, not superstition. My phrasing, of course.

So, I feel pretty good about that, I must say. I’ve done my part to help students of Charlotte County, Florida receive the education to which they are entitled.

Dear Bruce Bennett:

Bruce Bennett at the New York Sun has written a nice piece of propaganda about “Expelled,” which lacks any sort of journalistic merit. I have written a comment pointing out the fallacies in the piece. However, the comments are moderated and, if the article’s lack of perspective is any indicator, my comment will likely never see the light of day on their site. Therefore, I happily reproduce it here, word-for-word.

Nice Hit-Piece
There are quite a few things that need to be pointed out here. It is clear, first of all, that absolutely no attempt was made at actual journalism. It seems that you have accepted one side's account of events at face value with absolutely no fact-checking and without making any attempt to allow the other side a rebuttal. As such, this piece is nothing more than propaganda.

Here are some verifiable facts. First, Richard Dawkins' attendance of a screening of the film was in no way "contentious." Both he and Professor Myers were attending the screening in the same way that most of the attendees there were: by filling out a form on the movie's website. Prof. Myers was removed because only his name was on the form, there not being a space for guest names. Therefore, only his attendance was able to be foreseen. Thus, PZ Myers' ejection from the screening was nothing more than Orwellian quieting of dissent, the very actions that the film purports to fight against, put into practice by its creators.

Furthermore, Intelligent Design is in no way whatsoever a science and therefore should not now or ever be treated as one. That isn't to say, as the article states, that God shouldn't mix with science. It is only to say that science is the non-biased study of naturally-occurring events through rigorous testing and observation. A hypothesis is put forward and tests are carried out to see if the hypothesis is viable. These tests are NOT meant to reinforce the hypothesis, they are meant to TEST it. The quest is for knowledge. In science, disproving a hypothesis is as valuable as proving it would be. There is no dogma in any real scientific field, the study of evolution included. "Intelligent Design," on the other hand, starts with a preconceived notion and actively seeks to prove that notion, ignoring evidence that is contradictory to that view. That is not science. If there were, in fact, any solid scientific evidence to support the deliberate design of biology, the scientific community would be all over it. This still would not answer the question of how the designer came to be, however.

A couple more factual errors in the article: The animation of the inside of a cell that was "commissioned" by the filmmakers? Actually just stolen from David Bolinsky and Harvard. See here: http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/147

Mr. Dawkins' "flustered" comment in which he posits his own creation theory was, in fact, followed with the comment that, even if there were a creator, you still need to explain how he/she/it/they came about.

And as for evolution's "inflexible Darwinian dogma," this is simply a comment that can come from nothing but an absolute ignorance about evolution and science in general. Even Prof. Dawkins does not state empirically that there is no God. As it is impossible to disprove anything, the possibility must be left open, though the probability is ridiculously small.

I hope that, in the future, you might seek to express your views within a story without the cowardly tactic of obfuscating the dissenting points. A journalist of any degree should seek to present a balanced argument, and a commentator of any conviction should not fear to put forth his views in such a context.

Is it fair to say that Christians are brainwashed?

Um...YES.

If you doubt it, let’s take a look at the seven tactics of “Coercive Persuasion” (A.K.A.: Brainwashing) from Factnet.org:

TACTIC 1: The individual is prepared for thought reform through increased suggestibility and/or "softening up."
        One of the methods cited is “Extended audio, visual, verbal, or tactile fixation drills.” Like, perhaps, speaking in tongues? The repetitious act of speaking gibberish ad nauseam until one is convinced that it is God that allows them to do so? Yeah. Like that.

TACTIC 2: Using rewards and punishments, efforts are made to establish considerable control over a person's social environment, time, and sources of social support.
        In all honesty, this one would take some real effort to shoehorn into my argument. As bending logic to reinforce fantasy is the providence of the religious and not the rational, I will let this one go. Which is okay because, as Factnet.org states, “A coercive persuasion program can still be quite effective without the presence of ALL seven of these tactic types.” Moving on...

TACTIC 3: Disconfirming information and nonsupporting opinions are prohibited in group communication.
        I don’t think I need to explain that within a denomination, teachings that contradict the official stance of the denomination aren’t exactly embraced.

TACTIC 4: Frequent and intense attempts are made to cause a person to re-evaluate the most central aspects of his or her experience of self and prior conduct in negative ways.
        Scientology is well known for using this tactic. It is the first step they take in indoctrinating their members. As nefarious as this sounds, at least they use the tactic on adults. Yes, you heard right. Christians use the same tactic...and they do it to children. Don’t believe me? Check this out:



TACTIC 5: Intense and frequent attempts are made to undermine a person's confidence in himself and his judgment, creating a sense of powerlessness.
        This is essentially the main tenet of Christianity. We are all sinners and can only find salvation through the perfection of Jesus. He died for our sins, after all. Why did he do that? Because none of us, not a one, can help but be a sinner. Even children.



TACTIC 6: Nonphysical punishments are used.
        This is further defined as “intense humiliation, loss of privilege, social isolation, social status changes, intense guilt, anxiety, manipulation and other techniques for creating strong aversive emotional arousals, etc.” Sounds a lot like the Gay Recovery Camps that many sects employ to reprogram their gay parishioners. They’re isolated, shuffled away from the public eye and disavowed until they’re proclaimed as “cured.”

TACTIC 7: Certain psychological threats [force] are used or are present.
        In addition to the earthly fears of disavowal by friends and family if they don’t properly believe in God, there is also the ever-present threat of Hell, which is used as a constant fear-inducing tactic, even at a very early age.

Aside from these textbook definitions of brainwashing, there is also the consideration of life-long indoctrination, from birth. Many Christian families, especially those that homeschool, actually put more emphasis on teaching their children the Bible than actual education like math and literature. When you’re taught something from birth, especially when it’s drilled into you with a fundamentalist’s fervor, it’s hard to see the world in any other way as an adult.

The YouTube clips above, by the way, are from the Documentary Jesus Camp. With enough time to scrub through the movie and make short videos of the right clips, I could almost certainly give a video example of each of these tactics (save for tactic #2) just from that movie. I recommend you watch it, because this isn’t a fringe group of Christians in America, they are the majority. They are the people who pile in to the “Mega Churches” across the country. It is a disturbing and unsettling look at the state of religion in America.

Dear Christians:

Why do you do this? Seriously, why? Are Atheists out en masse trying to de-godify Chrstians? In my experience: No.

But you Christians can never let well-enough alone. You can never just focus on yourselves and your family. You feel the need to stand on a street corner with a giant placard that says "Ask me why you deserve HELL." You try to force your beliefs down our throats and into our lawbooks. All atheists ask is that separation of church and state be observed properly. As the United States is prohibited from establishing a national religion, it only makes sense that prayer not be taught in public schools, the ten commandments not be displayed in a federal courthouse and God not be mentioned on our currency or in our pledge of allegiance.

This is not persecution. This does not keep anyone from practicing their religion in whatever way they feel best. It only allows that no religion is forced upon people of different beliefs, including those with none at all.

It seems to me that Christians never got over the rush of having their religion be mandated by the government and non-compliance met with torture or death.

So back to my question: Why? Why on Earth do you feel the need to have your beliefs mandated? Are your own convictions so weak that you're afraid to have them examined as surely something optional would be? After all, if you were legally required to buy a Ford Taurus, you wouldn't really bother test-driving would you? But since you have the freedom to choose, you do take it for a test drive. And maybe you test drive a Toyota Prius. And a Honda Civic. And then you make an informed decision. That's what you're afraid of, isn't it? You're so insecure in your "faith" that you fear an actual informed decision will send your house of cards toppling.

And you're right.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #11: Isaac

Genesis, Chapters 22-23:

When Abraham was hanging out at Abimelech's place, he was visited by God,
        “Abraham.”
        “Yes?”
        “So....you know that miracle kid your wife had? Isaac?”
        “Uh...yeah.”
        “Turns out, I’m gonna need to take him back. So, I need for you to go to Moriah, and sacrifice him to me on a to-be-disclosed mountain.”
        “Okay. First thing in the morning good for you?”
        “Sure.”

True to his word, Abraham packed up and set out to sacrifice his only (now that Ishmael had been sent away) son to God. He traveled for three days to reach the spot where he was to needlessly kill his son and only heir, with nary a lingering doubt all the while. Seeing the place in the distance, they pulled to a stop and Abraham told his servant to wait while he went to “worship.”

Abraham and Isaac went to the place of sacrifice, the boy carrying all the firewood,
        “Father,” called Isaac.
        “Yes?”
        “Um...I notice you have a torch for the fire and a knife for the killing and plenty of wood for the burning, but you seem to have forgotten the lamb to sacrifice.”
        “God will provide the lamb,” Abraham lied. Isaac, gullible with youth, accepted this, not seeing that God providing His own sacrifice was a little like a birthday-boy providing his own presents.

When they got to the spot, Abraham built an altar and tied up Isaac who, for his part, seemed unconcerned that there was no lamb in sight as he was being bound and placed onto an altar by his knife-weilding father. With this part of the task complete, Abraham grasped his knife and brought it down for the killing blow.

        “Abraham!” called an angel from the heavens.
        “Uh...what? I’m trying to kill my son here.”
        “You don’t have to kill the kid. I get the idea, you are clearly scared shitless of me, seeing as how you were totally willing to kill your only son just because I told you to,” the angel said, speaking of God in the first person for some reason.

Looking up, Abraham spotted a ram behind him (somehow) with its horns stuck in a thicket. So, clearly needing to fulfill a bloodlust, whether his own or God’s, he killed that instead.

        “Oh, hey,” came the angel’s voice again, “since you were totally willing to kill Isaac, I am so gonna multiply your seed.”

Abraham thought this sounded pretty groovy and went back home. God apparently was okay with a relatively loose definition of “seed,” because it was Abraham’s brother that ended up having his seed greatly multiplied, having 12 children with two women.

Sarah, however, never gave Abraham any more children, as she died at the age of 127. Abraham wept for her and, in his mourning, sought a place to bury her. As a powerful and respected man, a quite nice field/cave combo was gifted to him for this purpose.
        “How much do I owe you for this?” Abraham asked Ephron, the owner of the plot.
        “No, man. It’s a gift,” replied Ephron.
        “Come on, here. How much? I want to pay you. What’s the place worth?”
        “It’s worth 400 sheckels. That’s like, nothing. Just take the land and bury your wife.”

But Abraham was stubborn and gave Ephron the 400 sheckels, because he wanted to be sure that he could use the land as a family plot. Thus was born the deathcare industry.

"Expelled" coming to a theater near you?

You may have heard of the new Ben Stein-narrated creationist film “Expelled.” Many first heard about it when noted biologist, atheist and blogger P.Z. Myers was blocked from seeing a screening of the film (which he is, by the way, prominently featured in) while his guests, including Richard Dawkins, were able to attend unmolested.

Well, the national release is this Friday. To see if it is playing near you, please check http://www.expelledthemovie.com/theaterap.php. Why in the name of reason would I promote this disingenuous filth, you may ask? Well, I’m not. I’m merely calling for as many Free-Thinkers, Atheists, Secular-Humanists, Brights--however you prefer to think of yourselves--to descend on these showings and use the creationist’s tactics against them. Stand outside the theater and argue for truth, debate the pious and fight the spread of misinformation the film will undoubtedly cause. Get some pamphlets made up that blow holes in the creationist’s arguments. Try to create some new Atheists if you’d really like, but I’ll be focusing on making sure that the misinformation is combatted, particularly amongst the people that are on the fence; that may not be all that informed on the subject from either side and may be swayed by such propaganda.

I am also hesitant to suggest that anyone purchase a ticket to the film, for fear that high grosses will open the door for the propaganda to spread. However, seeing the film will allow you to know what it is you’re fighting against, what specific claims you’ll need to argue against. I have no conflict here, given that I see all my movies for free. For those of you without such hook-ups, you’ll of course have to use your own discretion.

On a side note, I’d also like to apologize for my lack of posting the last couple of days. I have been writing an article entitled Taking Creationists from Dogma to Darwin that I hope to be published by American Atheist magazine. Not to fear, though, a new Bible Lesson will be up this evening and posts will be coming fast and furious from here on out. And if you like anything, please feel free to use the Digg button on any article. And don’t forget to tell your friends.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #10: Abraham and Abimelech

Genesis, Chapters 20-21:

Now that God had destoryed Sodom and Gomorrah, it was time to focus His energy back on Abraham.

Abraham, apparently missing the wild swinging days of his youth, traveled south with his wife Sarah and told the Abimelech, the king of that land, that Sarah was his sister. Despite the fact that she was now 90 years old, Abimelech took her.

That night, God appeared to Abimelech and said,
        “You’re a dead man.”
        “What? Why?”
        “That woman is married.”
        “Really? Okay, first, I never touched her. Second, That dude said she was his sister. And so did she! So, you can’t blame me, I was lied to.”
        “I know. That’s why I held you back from jumping her bones. Now giver her back and her husband, who is a prophet, will pray for you. If you don’t, you’ll die.”

So Abimelech went to Abraham and said,
        “Uh, what the hell, man? What did I ever do to you that you’d try to get me to have sex with your wife so that God would kill me?”
        “Eh. I figured you guys probably weren’t scared enough of Big G. Oh, and I didn’t actually lie. She is my sister. Well, half-sister. That’s just how we roll in my family.”

So Abimelech gave Abraham sheep, oxen, and both male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, along with returning Sarah.
        “Well, sir,” Abimelech said, not messing around with a fried of God’s, “you can live anywhere on my land you want. Oh, and Sarah, I gave your ‘brother’ a thousand pieces of silver, so let’s pretend this never happened.” And she was cool with that.

So Abraham prayed to God, who healed Abimelech and his wife and his lady-slaves, and they had babies. Because, oh, yeah, God had sealed up all their wombs when Abimelech took Sarah, apparently.

So, back home, God decided it was time to keep his promise: thus was Sarah knocked up. She had the baby and she named him Isaac, because when God picks your baby’s name out for you, you don’t name him Mario. And, of course, when Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him.

So, after a while, Sarah happened to see Ishmael and was reminded that she frikken hated his mother, Hagar. So she went to Abraham,
        “Abe,” she said, “Now that you have a real kid, you need to send that bitch packing and tell her to take her bastard kid with her. He’s not going to inherit shit now that we have Isaac.”

Abraham was a bit conflicted because he didn’t want to send his son away, but neither did he want to sleep on the couch forever. God sensed this and came to him.
        “Do what your wife says, man! I’ll take care of the kid. Because he’s your son, he’ll get his own country.”

So Abraham packed up a hobo sack and sent Hagar and Ishmael off. After journeying for a while, they ran out of water, so Hagar pushed the kid under a shrub and went a few hundred yards away so she wouldn’t have to watch him die. As she sat there crying, and angel came to her,
        “Hey...chill out, lady. God heard your kid. Look over there.”

And when she opened her eyes, there was totally a well like, right there. So she filled up the bottle and gave some to Ishmael, who ended up growing big and strong, became an archer and married a nice Egyptian girl that his mommy picked out for him.

Around this time, Abimelech went to Abraham and said,
        “Abraham, I know you’re real tight with God. So I want to ask you straight-up: swear to me here, in front of God, that you won’t dick me over. Or any of my descendants. I did right by you, you do right by me.”
        “Sure, I swear. But, by the way, you’re in trouble because your people violently took away a well.”
        “Dude, I don’t know anything about that. Including how someone can forcibly remove a hole from the ground.”

Abraham then gave a bunch of sheep and oxen to Abimelech, and set seven lambs free to run wild.
        “Why’d you let those lambs go?” asked Abimelech.
        “Because we’re making a deal. Those are yours now, in return for you acknowledging that I dug this well.”
        “Right-O. See ya.” and Abimelech and his people took off back to the land of the Philistines. And Abraham planted a grove on that spot and hung out there for many days.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #9: Sodom and Gomorrah

Genesis, Chapter 19:

Now that God had committed himself to destroying Sodom and Gomorrah, unless he found 10 decent people there, a pair of His angels drifted into town. Lot, working the gate that night, got up and bowed to them.
        “Please, come rest yourselves in my home. We’ll get you fed and get those feet washed so you can continue on your way well-resting in the morning.”
        “Naw. We’d rather just stand here in the street all night,” they replied.
        “Okay, that’s just crazy-talk. Come on, in with you now, don’t be shy,” he pushed, until finally the men relented.

True to his word, he fed them a great feast with unleavened bread and the men ate it. While the feasting was happening, however, every man in the city surrounded Lot’s house. When they felt they had a proper mob going on, they called out to Lot,
        “Hey, Lot! Where are those guys you’ve got staying with you? Send them on out here so we can gang-rape them!”

Lot went to meet them at the door. “C’mon, don’t be like that. They’re my guests. It would be a bit rude to just hand them over to a motley gang of butt-pirates. Tell you what: I have two fine-ass daughters. Virgins, no less. I’ll send them out here and you can have them six ways from Sunday if you want. In return, you leave the total strangers I’m harboring alone.”
        “No deal,” they said, “Now stand aside and let us play priest-and-choirboy with those dudes, or you’re gonna get double what they get,” and they came close to forcing their way in.

The men in the house reached out and yanked Lot in, closing the door after him and they used their angel hoodoo to strike every man outside the door blind. The men outside the door, in turn, stumbled around, trying to find the door, clearly too concerned with their cornholing plans to worry about such small matters as sudden and complete blindness.

        “Okay, Lot,” the angels said, “get your family and your stuff and get the hell outta dodge, because God is gonna make this place look like what geologists will one day call the Archean Period, an imaginary long-ago time when the molten rock that formed the Earth began to cool.”
        “That sounds like insane babble.”
        “I know, right? Anyway, you should leave before God sends fire from the sky to punish the wicked.”
        “Makes sense.”

So Lot went and fetched his sons-in-law, casting extreme doubt upon his claim that his daughters were virgins, and told them what was happening. They p’shawed and ignored the old man, and he apparently didn’t press the issue too much, perhaps because they were douchebags.

The next morning, the angels woke up Lot, who had gone home to get a good night’s sleep on the eve of the entire nation’s fiery destruction.
        “Wake up, get your wife and daughters and get the hell outta here, or you’re going to be fried to a toasy crisp with all these other sinning a-holes.”

Lot sort of meandered about, putting it off, so the angels grabbed him and his family and took them out of the city themselves. Once safely away, the angels reiterated the importance of not sticking around for the flaming holocaust,
        “Okay, now, seriously. Take off. Just run, okay? Don’t look back, don’t stop for a beer, just run away from here to the mountain or you will be kindling.”
        “Awww...the mountain? I hate that place. Seriously. If I have to go there, I’ll just, like, die. Can I go to the little nearby town of Zoar instead?” he asked, totally oblivious of the enormity of the situation.
        “Fine,” Said God, who must have turned up at some point, “I’ll change my plans for a Holy Cleansing of this wicked land so you don’t have to be inconvenienced. Being a picky little whiner must run in your family, though. Now go, because I can’t kill thousands of people until you get there safely.”

So Lot and his family went to Zoar and God got to rain fire from the sky at those who had pissed Him off, until there was nothing left but ash and tiny glass pebbles. While this was happening, Lot’s wife looked in the direction of the giant fireworks show in the sky, apparently the only person in Zoar to do so, because no one else was reported as having turned into a pillar of salt.

Lot got up the next morning, seemingly unfazed that his wife has been turned to salt for no reason and with no warning that looking at the display would have repercussions. His wife probably assumed when they said not to look back that they just meant to hurry up to avoid a scorching demise. Anyway, Lot was also feeling adventurous, because when he woke, he looked out at the smoking, smoldering remains of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Despite what Lot told God, he was suddenly afraid to live in Zoar and would rather live in the mountain after all. So he packed up his daughters and they moved into a cave.

        “Dad’s pretty old,” said his older, nameless daughter to her nameless younger sibling, “so he’s not likely to remarry and, let’s face it, living in a cave in a mountain, you and I aren’t getting new husbands. Ooh! Know what we should do? We should totally get Dad drunk off his ass and do him, so we can continue our bloodline.”
        “Good idea, Sis!”

So, they got him so drunk that when Older Daughter went and jumped his bones, he remembered none of it the next morning.

        “Success!” she reported the next day, “now, we’ll just get him drunk again tonight, and it’ll be your turn to have sex with Dad!”
        “Okay!”

So they got him drunk again, and Younger Daughter did the Daddy Deed.

Nine months later, they gave birth to Moab and Benammi, respectively. And thus, the precedent was set for women to always be portrayed as nameless whores, deceivers, sluts and sex-objects.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #8: Haggling with God

Genesis, Chapter 18:

God came to Abraham once again, now that Abraham had mutilated every penis in his household. It was a hot day and God came to Abraham as he sat in the doorway of his tent. When he looked up, Abraham saw three men standing by him. “By” in a pretty loose sense, since Abraham then jumped up and ran to them. God must have ducked behind a camel, though, because Abraham seems not to have noticed Him at all.
        “Hey, don’t go anywhere! Let me send for some water, I’ll have a slave wash your feet. You just rest here under the tree! And I’ll get you some bread, as your humble servant.” he exclaimed, strangely eager to please some total strangers that wandered in out of the desert and not acting at all as a Father of nations, despite the “ah” in his name which was, somehow, meant to indicate that.

He then ran in the tent.
        “Sarah!” he called out, “Go get three measures of meal, knead it and make some cakes!” Then he ran out to the stables, found a nice, tender calf ad had the stable boy kill it expediently. Once that was finished, he brought the meat, plus milk and butter, to the men, and they all chowed down.
        “Where’s your wife, Sarah?” said one of the men.
        “Oh, over in the tent,” replied Abraham, not wondering how the hell this clown knew his wife’s name.
        “I’m gonna come back according to the time of life, and she’s gonna have a son,” the man replied, not creeping Abraham out at all.

Behind them, at the door of the tent, Sarah heard this and laughed to herself,
        “Is that guy saying that he’s going to give this 90 year old woman pleasure, which I clearly haven’t known in a while since my husband’s no spring chicken either?”

The Lord had not yet seen fit to create Viagra, after all.

And the Lord (presumably jumping out from behind the aforementioned camel) said to Abraham,
        “Why did Sarah Laugh and doubt that she shall have a child due to her grievous age?”
        “I didn’t laugh!” lied Sarah, rather than just point out that some stranger had just said he was gonna rape her next time he passed through town.
        “Uh, yeah you totally did,” the Lord retorted.

Then, the men stood and looked in the direction of Sodom, suddenly and without any apparent reason. God wondered if he should hide what he was about to do from Abraham, because he knew Abraham was a bleeding-heart Liberal. Finally, he decided to just come clean.
        “Okay, I’m going down to Sodom and Gomorrah, because I have gotten God-Vibes that there’s a lot of sinning goin’ on down there. So, I’m going down in person to see for myself and if they didn’t really sin, I’ll know. If they did, though. Oh, it’s on. I’m gonna wipe those asses off the face of My Green Earth.”

The three men took off toward Sodom, but Abraham stayed to chat with God.

        “Let me ask you a hypothetical. What if, hypothetically, there are 50 good people down there? Are you gonna kill them with all the rest, or would you spare them and only kill the wicked?”
        “Dude, if there are 50 good people in that hell-hole, I’ll spare the whole lot of them, just for the sake of that 50.”
        “What if there are only 45 good people?”
        “Fine, I’ll spare everyone if there are 45 good people,” He replied with an inward sigh.
        “What if there are 40?”
        “You’re pushing you’re luck, bro. But, sure.”
        “What if there are 30?”
        “Are you kidding me? Fine, 30 good people, and Sodom and Gomorah don’t get toasted.”
        “Good. How ‘bout 20?”
        “You are really pissing me off here. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. But, if you want, yes, I will spare everyone for the sake of 20 lousy good people.”
        “Ten?”
        “Okay, fine, whatever. If there are so many as ten decent people in that Me-Forsaken place, I’ll let the whole damn place live -- BUT YOU BETTER NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD!”

So God went to do what it is He does, and Abraham went back into his tent.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #7: Abraham

Genesis, Chapters 16-17:

God promised Abram heirs and it was about time for him to deliver.

Abram’s wife, Sarai, finally came to terms with the fact that her womb was as fertile as a moon rock. So she went to Abram with an Idea.
        “Abram, my husband, here’s the deal; you’ve been hoisting yourself on top of me every night for years and I think we both know that no matter what you put in there, a kid is never coming out. So, since you like swinging so much, you can go do your begetting with my handmaiden, Hagar.”

So Abram took Hagar as his second wife, and she was promptly knocked up. Once she realized that she had mad child-bearing skills, Hagar totally lost all respect for Sarai and gave her the evil eye and stuff all the time. Of course, Sarai picked up the not-so-subtle hints and went to Abram with her concerns.

        “Abram, I sent Hagar to be your backup womb and now she thinks she’s hot shit, just because her womb can hold a baby! Bitch treats me like I’m dirt, when she ain’t nothin’ but a baby-momma!”
        “Hey,” Abram replied, “She’s your servant. You got a problem with her, deal with it.”

So Sarai went to Hagar, grabbed her by her nappy weave and told her what’s what. Hagar took off, afraid of getting her ass kicked.

One of God’s angels found her by a fountain in the wilderness (God doesn’t do personal appearances for a baby-momma) and said to her,
        “Why did you come here? And where will you go?”
        “I had to get away from that flat-bellied skank, Sarai.”
        “Lady, just go back and face the music. If you do, I’ll multiply your seed exceedingly. You’ll have more babies than you can count. You’re pregnant...it’s a boy, by the way. When he’s born, name him Ishmael. He is gonna be wild, too! He’s gonna fight the whole world.”

So, she did go back, and had a baby boy, and they named him Ishmael.

Thirteen years later, God came to Abram for a face-to-face.
        “I am GOD!” He said, “Walk before me and be perfect!”
Abram fell to his knees in supplication, clearly ballsy enough to disobey God’s commands both of walking and of being perfect. God deigned to talk to him, regardless.
        “Okay, so we had a deal, right? I told you that you’d have a bazillion kids and stuff, right? Well, here we go. This is gonna be awesome. Seriously. Future kings are gonna swim outta that little willy you got there....You’ll be the father of many nations. Which is why, from now on, you name will not be Abram, but Abraham!” he said, clearly believing that Abr(ah)am would understand the connection between adding “ah” to the middle of his name and being the patriarch of nations.
        “We have a covenant, see,” continued the Holy Lord, “between me, and you and all your many, many kids. And I’ll keep the covenant, and you’ll keep the covenant, and they’ll keep the covenant, and I’ll be their God. Like in the covenant that we have. Me and you an all your kids...”

And the Lord rambled on, repeating himself a few time like a drunkard, before coming to this little gem:

        “And, as a symbol of our covenant, you will cut off the end of your dick. Just the outside, skin part, though. Anyone in your family more than 8 days old, must be circumcised. Snip, snip. Starting now, and ending...never. For all time, all your descendants, all your slaves, snip, snip. And if someone has an intact willy? He is banished from your family because he broke our covenant.
        “Oh, and your wife...She gets a new name, too. Her name is now Sarah. Don’t question it. Did I mention I’m God? I’m gonna let her have a kid, too. A son, named Isaac. Now, Isaac is the one that counts, okay? Ishmael will have a fine life, he’ll father 12 princes, but my covenant will be with Isaac. Still mutilate Ishmael’s penis, though. That’s non-negotiable.”

Then God took off, and Abraham went and got a knife.

That was not a good night to be a man in the Abraham household.

With Morality like this, who needs wickedness?

The Religious Right in America is often referred to as the “Moral Majority,” a label that implies that their sense of right and wrong should be the gold standard to which we all aspire. If you were to put it this way to a member of the Moral Majority, they would undoubtedly confirm that, yes, we should all aspire to be people of such high moral values.

These people are wrong. And I’ll tell you why.

The religious do not have a monopoly on morality. Morality is within each of us, independent, one would hope, of whatever books we may have read. To me, morality boils down to one key concept: Ideally, strive to enrich the lives of those you encounter but at the very least, ensure that your actions do no harm to others. What more do you need to be a moral person? If you live your life according to that single sentence, the world will be made a tiny bit better for your having existed. This sentence encompasses the tiniest action as well as the most grandiose. For example, to “enrich the lives of those you encounter” could mean holding a door open for an elderly woman or it could just as easily mean working tirelessly to cure cancer. Likewise, making sure “your actions do no harm to others” can be as small as not hurting someone’s feelings or as large as ending a war with diplomacy rather than nuclear weapons. These are principals that existed long before any Bible, Qur’an or Torah.

When the religious talk about immorality, it rarely has anything to do with the harming of others or with any sort of malice. To them, morals are set out not by common decency, but by God. Homosexuality is immoral. Stem cell research is immoral. Genetic engineering is immoral. Abortion is immoral. But let’s really think about these. Abortion, it could be argued, does harm to an individual if we consider the fetus to be an individual. So, for the sake of expedience, let’s concede that one. But what about the others?

Genetic engineering? Why is this immoral? Because we’re messing with God’s great design? To me, it is immoral to refrain from scientific advances that would, for example, allow wheat to grow in famine-torn areas that it otherwise would never survive in. Is preserving God’s perfect design more important than making sure that 100,000 children don’t starve to death?

Stem cell research? This has the possibility of replacing damaged or diseased organs. It has the possibility of curing cancer, Parkinson’s, ALS, Multiple Sclerosis. In short, it has the possibility of saving millions of lives every year. But it is immoral because it uses cells from embryos? These cells are not taken from embryos that have any chance of ever becoming a living creature. Nor are embryos kept from becoming living creatures so that we can use them for the research. We are simply making use of something that would otherwise be discarded to try to help millions of people. How in the world could that ever, ever be immoral?

Finally, a subject I have a lot to say about: Homosexuality. No one has ever been able to explain to me what makes this immoral, save for saying that God says so. A few relatively obscure bible verses condemn homosexuality as immoral, an abomination, even. Something so terrible must do harm to countless people, destroying lives across the world on a daily basis. Well, not so much. Remember that, ideally, living your life by morals would involve enriching the lives of others. Is there anything more enriching to someone’s life than being loved? It doesn’t matter if it’s a man loving a woman or a man loving a man. To be loved, especially reciprocally, is perhaps the most wonderful feeling in the world. Would the person doing the loving, then, not be doing a great and wonderful thing that leaves a small part of the world better for their having been there? How could that be immoral?

Ah, but what about the other aspect of morality, wherein no harm is done to others? That one is even easier. I have never in my life been adversely affected by any two people being in a relationship of any sort. I assume that the majority of the people I pass on the street have had sex with someone and, yet, it in no way affects my life at all. Nor, I’m sure, is anyone else they pass on the street affected in any way by who they may have had sex with in the past or to whom they are attracted. They live their lives and I live mine, each of us in our own way. Just as a heterosexual Christian couple’s relationship has no bearing on how my life is lived, nor does the relationship of a gay couple.

Make no mistake, though. True immorality is easily evident; harm is being done. Just not by who you think. For example, when a person is murdered, no logical person can say that the killers are moral people. But, too often, people are killed just because they are gay, killed for their “immorality.” Then their funerals are picketed, their grieving families guilty by association of the crime of homosexuality. The goal of these picketers is to let a mother in mourning know that her son deserved to be taken from her and, moreover, that he will reside in Hell for all eternity, never knowing peace, because of his “wickedness.” These people are the wicked. They are intentionally doing harm. The killers, of course, no one could disagree on that, but also the picketers. They actively seek to intentionally do harm to people who have never harmed them, who maybe have never harmed anyone.

To be fair, these are not common examples. Your average Christian does not picket the funerals of homosexuals and they certainly do not kill them. Rather, these are people who use their religion to justify their own bigotry. They stand as examples, though, that morals do not come from a book. Morals come from within yourself, from your experiences, from a basic understanding that people should live together as harmoniously as possible.

No, more often the “moral majority” perpetuates it’s wickedness in the voting booth. These self-proclaimed guardians of righteousness seek to do harm to the Gay community by depriving them of rights, just as their forebears deprived African-Americans of theirs for far too long. They seek to ban them from joining in legal marriage to one-another, to keep them from adopting children. They slander and defame all gays as immoral. They speak of a “gay agenda” that can only be the product of a paranoid insecurity. They warn us that gays getting married is a threat to the very concept of marriage, as if the only thing keeping most men with their wives is the fact that they cannot legally marry the mailman. They warn Americans that gays are trying to indoctrinate our children into their way of life, no doubt imagining big gay recruitment drives. THIS is what wickedness looks like. This, my friends, is intentionally doing harm to others. This is a widespread attempt to diminish the happiness of an entire people because their emotions are condemned by a book.

Homosexuality’s detractors claim that it is a choice, that a person would choose to live their life in such an inhospitable environment, in fear of being beaten or killed for that “choice” or of being cast out by their families, disenfranchised at every turn by a country run by the “moral majority.” I deny that there is a single gay person, man or woman, who has made that choice. But what if it were a choice? What if homosexuality were nothing more than a conscious decision on the part of it’s participants? It would not in any way change the fact that they are people, living their lives as they see fit, and not affecting anyone else with that decision, that’s what.

For those of you who assume that I, myself, am gay: I am afraid that you’ve missed the point. I am not. I don’t have to be gay to see that there is nothing immoral about that aspect of their lives. Nor do I need a book to tell me how to live my life morally. I am an atheist and I have never raped, murdered or intentionally harmed anyone.

I have no God, I have only my judgement and, yes, my morals.




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