No Bullshit Bible Lesson #21: God names Jacob "Israel" (again)

Genesis, Chapter 35:

After Jacob’s sons slaughtered Hamor and Shechem’s tender-dicked people, God came to Jacob with a message,
        “Jacob, you remember when you were running away from our brother and I came to you in a vision and told you I had your back?”
        “You mean in Bethel?”
        “Yeah”
        “I wasn’t running from my brother, I was going to get a wife.”
        “No, I’m pretty sure you were running from your brother. Don’t go back and re-read my account of it, just take my word for it, because I never contradict myself.”
        “Uh. Right.”
        “Anyway: Bethel. Go back there and build me an altar.”
        “Right-o.”

So Jacob gathered all his people together.
        “Okay, everyone! Give me all your false gods, get yourselves cleaned up and changed, we’re going to Bethel!”

So they handed over all their little carved gods and their earrings and, while they were getting changed, he buried all these things under a tree by Shechem...which, after Levi and Simeon were done with him, could probably have been any tree in a three-mile radius.

As they passed out of town, the people in the neighboring town didn’t slaughter them because they were afraid of God. It’s good to have friends in high places.

So they arrived at Bethel, where Rebekah’s nurse promptly died and they buried her under an oak tree. The God showed up and blessed Jacob,
        “Your name is Jacob,” He said, displaying a great ability for stating the obvious, “But from now on, your name will be Israel. And your kids will be kings and you can have the land I gave your father and grandfather and all that.”

So God left and Jacob built a stone altar and poured water and oil on it. Then he named the spot Bethel. Just like he had almost 30 years prior.

They all left Bethel then and traveled to Bethlehem but before they could reach their destination, Rachel went into a difficult labor with her second child, whom the midwife assured her would be a boy. She gave birth to the boy but, tragically, the labor had been too hard on her and she passed away, the last words on her lips, the name of the child she died bringing into the world: Ben-oni.

Jacob had loved Rachel very much, from the moment he met her, and her dying wish were that her son should be named Ben-oni. Unfortunately, she was just a woman. And the wishes of a woman don’t matter, not even the dying wishes matter if they come from a lowly woman. So Jacob named his twelfth son Benjamin. Or maybe he just thought Ben-oni sounded too much like Ben Kenobi (scholars consider this latter possibility “unlikely”).

So Rachel was buried and a pillar erected in her honor.

Eventually, Jacob (now officially going by “Israel”) settled somewhere beyond the tower of Edar. While living there, his eldest son, Reuben, had sex with one of Israel’s concubines...which would be kind of like having sex with your step-mother. Israel heard about it, too. How he felt about it, though, remains unclear.

Later, Israel/Jacob traveled back to be with his father, Isaac, at the end of his days. He died at the age of one hundred eighty, and his sons buried him.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #20: Dinah's Fate Revealed!

Genesis, Chapter 34:

Though she rated not a single mention in Jacob’s adventures after her birth, his daughter Dinah was, in fact, brought back home when the rest of the family took their leave of Laban.

So Dinah went to see the daughters of the land. Whatever that means. While out and about, she met a prince named Shechem, who took her home and raped her. Unlike most rapists, however, Shechem fell in love with his victim and he tried to sweet talk her into liking him.

Shechem went to his father, a powerful man named Hamor, and demanded that he arrange that Dinah should marry him.

Jacob, meanwhile, had heard about what had been done to his precious (though often overlooked) daughter. His sons were in the field with the cattle when he got word, so he decided to stew in his rage until they returned.

Hamor arrived to discuss the proposal with Jacob at about the same time as the boys came in from the field. When they heard what happened to their sister, they were filled with a rage befitting older brothers in such circumstances.

        “Guys,” Hamor implored, “My son loves your Dinah with all his heart! Please consent to make her his wife! Your daughters will marry into my family and my daughters will marry into yours! We’ll be one, big, happy family! What do you say?”
        “Yeah,” said Shechem, who was also there, apparently, “I’m a good guy! Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you. Anything you want. Trade you a Rolex each for your sister, if you want.”

The men of Jacob’s family discussed amongst themselves briefly and came to a conclusion:
        “The problem,” Jacob said, “is that you heathens have foreskins. Our family has a big problem with excess dick skin and could never give our daughter to someone that’s uncut. But we’re not unreasonable. We will consent to marrying our daughter to you and joining our families if everyone of your people will get circumcised. Otherwise, we’re taking Dinah back and you’ll never see her again.”

Hamor and Shechem left in good spirits. Shechem’s love for Dinah was strong enough that he would mutilate his penis and the penises of every man he encountered, if needs be. So they went and gathered the men of their land and sold them all on the idea of getting circumcised, enticing them with the notion of how much more livestock they could have if they were joined with Jacob’s people. The men agreed and they all set about getting circumcised right away.

The next day, all the men moved about gingerly due to their sore, sore man-units. So when two of Jacob’s sons, Levi and Simeon, charged into town with blades drawn, the men were unable to protect themselves and every last one was killed mercilessly by the brothers.

Their cold-hearted slaughter complete, they freed their sister and took every woman and child captive. They also took all the livestock and harvest and valuables. The town was completely decimated.

Jacob wasn’t too happy to hear what his sons had done,
        “Great. Because of you little shits, everyone around here is going to hate me. You know what’s gonna happen, right? I’ll tell you: all the villages are going to band together, march in here and kill my ass. All because you had to go commit genocide!”
        “Hey, no one treats our sister like a whore, Dad!”

And that seemed to end the argument.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #19: Jacob vs God in the Steel Cage!

Genesis, Chapters 32-33:

Jacob was finally on his way home and, on his journey, was met by the angels of God. All of them, apparently. And if they had much of anything to say, no one seemed inclined to write it down.

Jacob sent some messengers ahead to inform his brother of his homecoming,
        “Go, tell Esau where I’ve been for two decades,” he commanded them, “and tell him how huge my flock is and how many servants I have, oh, and that I hope he’s happy to see me!”

So off they went, later returning with news of Esau,
        “So, we found Esau and told him you were coming, and he’s coming out to meet you! Oh, and he’s bringing four hundred men with him. Good luck with that.”

Naturally, Jacob freaked out. After all, he spent his early years screwing over Esau as often as he could. So he split his group in two, so that if Esau came and slaughtered one, the other might escape. He also spent quite a bit of time praying to God, and reminding Him how He said He’d do right by Jacob.

Just in case, though, Jacob gathered hundreds of his various animals and, separating them into groups of like animals, assigned each drove to a servant,
        “Okay, guys...I’m gonna send you out in waves, okay? Journey out in the direction of my brother, with some distance between you, so you don’t all get there at once. When you see him, tell him that you and all the animals are a gift from me, and tell him I’m right behind you. If we’re lucky, he won’t want to kill me by the time I finally get to him. If he kills you and takes the animals, I’m sorry. Better you than me, though, right?”

So off they went and later that night, Jacob gathered his wives, and his concubines and his eleven sons (his daughter Dinah still conspicuously unmentioned) and sent them across the ford while he stayed behind for the night.

He was all alone, except for some random guy who came along and wrestled him. They wrestled until dawn, seemingly at a stalemate. As he realized that he wasn’t getting anywhere in this wrestling match, Jacob put his hand on the hollow of his thigh, because it was out of joint.
        “Okay, let me go,” he said to the stranger, “the sun’s coming up. And I’m not letting go until you bless me.” Blessings, apparently, were the big gaudy Championship Belt of the time.
        “What is your name?”
        “Jacob.”
        “Okay...you’re name isn’t Jacob anymore. From now on, you’ll be known as Israel, because you are a prince among men and you have power with God and you have prevailed.”
        “Uh, okay. And what’s your name?”
        “Why would you ask me my name?” he said, before revealing himself to be God, and blessing Jacob right there on the spot, which Jacob came to call Peniel.

After God took His leave, Jacob (apparently less concerned with taking the name that God assigned him than his grandparents had been) continued on his journey, catching up with his family.

Before long, he saw Esau and his four hundred men coming his way. And he did what any good father would do, he put his family between him and the threat, in order of his love for them; The concubines and their children closest to Esau, then Leah and her kids and, with him, Rachel and Joseph. Dinah, however, was still nowhere to be found.

Esau went right past them all to Jacob, who fell to his knees and bowed seven times as he drew nearer. Esau ran up and...grabbed Jacob in a big ol’ bear hug, gave him a kiss and they cried with joy to see one another!

Introductions were made all-around and Esau was reluctant to accept the offerings Jacob had sent to him, but eventually relented at Jacob’s continued insistence.

They journeyed back home together and Jacob built himself a house and bought some land and built an altar. Things were looking up.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #18: Jacob Takes Off

Genesis, Chapter 31:

Laban’s sons were bitching that Jacob had conned their dad out of all the good livestock and Jacob, in turn, noticed that Laban was giving him dirty looks lately.

Seeing this, God went to Jacob, “Okay, man. You should just go home now. I got your back.”

Jacob jumped into action and called for his wives to meet him at the flock, where he explained their next course of action,
        “Girls, your dad is being kind of a dick, and we all know how long I’ve been busting my ass for him. And, in return, he’s lied to me, changed my wages ten times...so guess what? When he decided I’d get all the cattle that were spotted or speckled, God made ALL of them spotted or speckled. Not my fault. God saw what he was doing and showed him what was what. And now God wants us to go home.”
        “Hell, yeah!” they replied, “He sold us off and then spent all our money! All the stuff here that used to be his would have been our and our kids’ anyway. We should listen to God and get the hell outta here.”

So Jacob loaded his sons and wives onto camels. His daughter? Maybe he fed her to some dogs. Or made her into saddlebags for the camels. Or maybe he loaded her onto a camel with the rest of the family. We may never know. Jacob had gathered all his things, including the flocks. Rachel, for her part, had stolen her father’s idols when he set off to shear his sheep. So, with everything gathered and everyone (with the possible exception of the daughter) loaded onto camels, it was time to leave, with Laban none-the-wiser.

It took three days for Laban to get word that Jacob had taken off and he immediately set out to intercept him. It was seven days of hard travel before he was able to catch up and on one of those nights, God came to Laban in a dream and told him that he’d better watch his mouth when he speaks to Jacob.

Finally, he caught up to Jacob and went to have words with him.
        “What do you think you’re doing, man? Why’d you take off with my daughters, like they were your hostages? Why didn’t you just come and tell me that you wanted to go? I’d have seen you off with a party! But you do this to me, it makes me want to hurt you, Jake. And I could, you know. I could hurt you. The only reason you’re not bleeding out into the sane is because your God asked me not to hurt you. And I know you want to get back home and see your dad again...you have for a long time, but why’d you have to go and steal my little statues of my gods?”
        “I left because I was afraid that you would take your daughters from me. As for who took your idols...you got me. You find them, then you can feel free to whack whoever has them,” Jacob replied, totally unaware that his wife had stolen the idols.

So Laban went on a tent-by-tent search, tearing everything apart, trying to find his idols. But Rachel was smart, she hid them in her camel’s saddle and sat on them and then told her father that she was on her period, so that he wouldn’t look there.

When the search was complete and the idols were nowhere to be seen, Jacob became furious.
        “What the hell did I ever do to you, Laban, that you’d tear-ass across the desert to catch up to me? You’ve gone through all my stuff and what did you find? Huh? Go on, lay it out so everyone can see what I’ve stolen from you! Oh, you don’t have anything? Because it seems to me that I’ve been working for you for twenty years! Fourteen years for your daughters, six years for the cattle. In all that time, I have never stolen anything. I’ve never eaten your meat, I’ve been the one responsible for any lost or stolen animals. Every day and night I worked, sweating and parched in the day, frostbitten at night. And how did you treat me in return? By changing my wages ten times! If it weren’t for the fact that you’re afraid of my God, you’d have sent me away empty-handed by now.”
        “Okay,” replied Laban, “Let’s come to an agreement here. Let’s make a big pile of rocks.”

So they made a big pile of rocks and Laban called it Jegar-sahadutha. But that name sucked, so Jacob called it Galeed. They all ate a big feats on top of the heap of stones, but when it came to deal-time, it was just Jacob, Laban, and the Heap. And God, I guess.
        “Now just you remember,” said Laban, “If you mistreat my daughters or marry additional wives, that God stands witness to our pact here. That said, I will never cross this pile of rocks to do you harm, if you’ll swear the same. And no going around, either. Just pretend the pile marks an invisible border.”

Jacob swore on his father, with God as witness, to uphold the treaty, with God as witness. Then they broke bread and, in the morning, Laban kissed his daughters and grandchildren (well, grandsons...the jury’s still out on poor Dinah, his granddaughter) and went back home.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #17: Battle of the Wombs

Genesis, Chapter 30:

Seeing how many children Jacob fathered with Leah, Rachel became quite jealous.
        “Jacob, you give me babies or I swear I’m gonna die!”
        “Hey, it’s not my fault God dried up your womb!”
        “Fine, go have sex with my handmaiden and she’ll bear me some proxy babies!”

So Jacob did as his irrational swinger wife demanded and had a baby with her handmaiden. This pleased Rachel to no end and she sent him once again to bed her servant, and another son was born. And Rachel once again felt superior to Leah.

Leah, for her part, could see that her marital advantage was quickly being eroded and, still walking funny from the first four children she bore, sent her handmaiden to bear more children in her stead. And the servant had two of Jacob’s sons. So Leah now felt like she was back on top.

Then Reuben, Jacob’s eldest child with Leah, was out in the fields and found some mandrakes and brought them to Leah. For some reason, Rachel really wanted some of those mandrakes and asked Leah for some.
        “Oh,” Leah replied, “first you steal my man now you want my son’s mandrakes?”
        “Bitch,” Rachel undoubtedly wanted to reply, “Dad had to trick him into your bed, but he chose me, you skanky ho-bag!” Out loud she said, “Oh, for crying out loud! Give me some damn mandrakes and he’ll come screw you tonight, okay?”

So when Jacob came in from the field, Leah intercepted him,
        “Hey, your ‘favorite’ wife just sold your penis to me for the night in exchange for some veggies, so come give it to me, big boy.”

This apparently seemed to God like a virtuous arrangement, so he blessed Leah with yet another son. And then another. Then she felt that surely, having had six of his children, Jacob would move out of Rachel’s place and come live with her instead. She had a daughter anyway, just to sweeten the deal.

God, who had to have been amused by these women battling for the presumably well-endowed Jacob, decided to make things a little more interesting; he unlocked Rachel’s womb, making her the third straight generation in her family to have a barren womb that was made fertile by God. Shockingly, she had a son. She named him Joseph.

About this time, Jacob went to Laban,
        “Okay, man,” he said, “I’ve been working for you for fourteen years. Give me my wives and my kids and let me go home.”
        “Oh, man...I was afraid you were gonna say that. See, you and your kids have been a lot of free labor for me and I’m afraid my farm is gonna go to crap without you! I want you to stay, name your price.”
        “Dude, look. When I got here, you had, like, nothing. Now look at you. You have more cattle than you know what to do with. I did my time, now let me go home and provide for my own family.”
        “Jacob, please stay...just tell me what you want.”
        “I don’t want anything from you. Just let me leave. If you do that, I will tend to your herds once more. I’ll go through and separate from the herd all the speckled and spotted animals and give them to you, fed and cared for. When I am done caring for the flock, the ones that are not spotted will be mine and the rest yours to keep.”
        “Um...sure?”

So Laban took all the spotted, speckled, etc and gave them to his sons and then put three days distance between him and Jacob.

Jacob took this time to use aphrodisiacs on the animals to get them to mate and paired them up to selectively breed them so that he would get all the good, strong ones while Laban was left with all the weak, feeble ones. Just goes to show what happens when you screw a guy out of seven extra years of his life in order to saddle him with a wife he never wanted.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #16: Jacob Gets Hitched

Genesis, Chapter 29:

After a dream made Jacob decide to give 10% of all his stuff to God, he continued his journey and ended up at the same well where a servant had found his mother on his hunt for a wife for Isaac. Gathered around the well were sheep herders, there to water the sheep.
        “Hey guys,” he called out, “Where you all from?”
        “We’re from Haran,” one of them answered.
        “Oh, cool! You know Laban?”
        “Oh, sure. Good guy.”
        “He doin’ all right, then?”
        “Yeah, he’s doing well. In fact, here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep now.”

When Rachel came near, Jacob rolled the stone off the well because no one else was willing to, and watered the sheep for her. Apparently, he felt that this earned him some “play” because he kissed here right there and in the manliest way possible, cried. After kissing her, Jacob told Rachel that he was her cousin and she ran and told her father. It should be noted that this was due to excitement, not disgust at having made out with her cousin. They were, indeed, different times.

When Laban got the news, he rushed out and met Jacob and embraced him, even kissed him.

Jacob stayed there for a month before Laban said to him,
        “Jacob, you’re family. I can’t have you helping out around here for free. How do you want to be paid?”
        “Oh. Well, uh, I was thinking I could, like, marry Rachel. She’s seriously hot. In fact, I will work for you for seven years in return for her hand in marriage.”

Jacob clearly had not heard how easily the family was willing to marry off its women and that he could have been on his way back home with a new wife come morning if he hadn’t made this ridiculous proposal. Laban, for his part, was not a stupid man. Though he admitted that it would be better for Jacob to have her than anyone else, he wasn’t about to pass up seven years of free labor; he accepted.

So after seven years of indentured servitude, Jacob went to Laban,
        “Okay, Laban. It’s seven years now. Give me Rachel so I can finally have sex with her.”

So Laban put together a great feast for all the men of the village (the women, presumably, were too busy cooking to attend) and, that night, gave his older daughter Leah to Jacob. Jacob, perhaps blinded by seven years of built-up horniness, did not notice that he had been given the wrong wife until he woke the next morning beside her. By this time, of course, he had released the pent-up horniness and was seeing clearly. And seeing red.

        “Dude, what the Hell?!” he demanded of Laban, “I just worked seven years for Rachel, and you give me Leah?! I’m gonna sue your ass for breach of contract!”
        “Jacob...it is just not our way here to give away the younger daughter before the first-born has been married. Tell you what; after Leah has been your wife for a week, I’ll give you Rachel in addition and you can work another seven years for me, since you get two of my daughters.”
        “Fine.”

So, the deal was made and, after a week, Jacob got the wife he wanted in addition to the one he didn’t want and he loved Rachel very much, never having cared all that much for Leah in the first place. And, yes, after taking Rachel for his wife, Jacob was fleeced out of another seven years of his life, working for Laban to pay off Leah, whom he never wanted in the first place. In hindsight, it was clearly very wise for Abraham to refuse to allow Isaac from traveling to pick his own wife, because he clearly knew that a guy could get fleeced out of fourteen years of his life for the sake of a woman.

God, meanwhile, saw that Leah was hated and, in a move that makes one wonder if He knew the whole story, He made Leah extra-fertile, while making Rachel the third consecutive generation of barren-wombed women in her family.

So Leah had a son named Ruben and was convinced that the feat of bearing him a male heir would make Jacob love her. When that didn’t happen, she had another son and named him Simeon. Again, she thought that bearing two sons would make Jacob love her. Not so much. So she went for a third: Levi. Still no love. Lastly, she gave birth to Jacob’s fourth son, Judah, and gave up trying to earn Jacob’s love through baby-making.

It is worth noting that, as much as Jacob loved Rachel, he didn’t seem to have any issue with seemingly consistent sex with her sister. Stay tuned for more tales from the book where all our morals come from, right here on Resurrecting Reason!

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #15: Jacob has a Dream

Genesis, Chapter 28:

Because Rebekah suddenly got it into her head that she didn’t want Jacob marrying a Canaanite girl, Isaac called his son to him.
        “Listen, boy. I know it was you I blessed. In return for my blessing, you can’t marry a Canaanite. You’ll marry a first cousin, like your father before you. And God will pass Abraham’s blessing to you and your seed will multiply and all that jazz. Now go and marry your Mom’s niece.”

Esau overheard this and, having already married a Canaanite girl, thought he’d better go marry a cousin, as well. So he went and married from the other side of the family, marrying one of Ishmael’s kids.

Meanwhile, Jacob set out for his mother’s home-town to marry her brother’s daughter. He traveled until night fell and then decided to take a nap, using some rocks as a comfy pillow, because people were more badass in those days.

As he slept, he dreamt of a ladder to Heaven which the angels used to travel between Heaven and Earth. At the top of the ladder, he saw God, who said,
        “Jacob, I am God. I’m a friend of your granddad’s. Anyway, I’m going to give you the land you’re lying on. And I’ll multiply your seed and all that. And I’ll be sticking right by you until I’ve fulfilled my promise.”

Jacob woke with a start, freaked out that God was there and he didn’t even know it. He also thought fleetingly that the place, the gate of Heaven itself, was a bit creepy.

When morning came he made a pillar out of his pillow-rocks and named that place Bethel, even though it was already called Luz.

“Okay,” he decided, “If God sticks with me and gives me bread and clothes until I get back to my Dad’s, then he can be my God. And this rock will be His house, and I will give him 10% of my income.” He said these words without the slightest idea that they would one day result in yachts for televangelists.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #14: Jacob's Deceit

Genesis, Chapter 27:

As God promised Abraham, his son Isaac became a great man. But even great men grow old and Isaac, no exception to the rule, found himself blind and infirm. Knowing that his days were numbered, he called for his eldest son, Esau.
        "Esau," he said, "I am seriously old. I could die, like, any minute. Go out to the field and bring me back some nice, fresh venison and I will bless you before I die."
        "Okay, Dad! I'd be glad to buy your blessings rather than have them given out of love!" And off he went.

Rebekah overheard this and called Jacob, the son she loved, over to her.
        "Jacob, your dad is going to bless Esau in return for a steak. Go out to the flock and kill two baby goats. Then you can bring him the meat he loves so much while Esau is still trying to hunt one, and you'll get the blessing."
        "Dad is totally going to see through that. If he touches me, he'll know I'm not Esau because I'm not covered in hair like Esau is. Dad'll see through it and curse me!"
        "Oh, stop whining. If he curses you, I'll bear the curse. Now do as I say."

So, he went and killed some goat-babies and Rebekah made some tasty venison. She then gave Jacob some of Esau's clothes to wear and strapped bits of the goat' pelts to his hands and neck, to simulate the frightening mutant hairiness of Esau.

Jacob approached Isaac.
        "Father, I have your food."
        "Who are you?"
        "Um. I'm totally Esau. Now eat up so you can bless me."
        "How'd you hunt down and cook a critter so fast?" he asked suspiciously.
        "Oh. Uh...God? Yeah, that's it...God gave it to me."
        "Hmmm....C'mere and let me feel you," he said, foreshadowing the statements of future Clergymen.

Jacob stepped forward and Isaac took his hands.
        "The voice is Jacob's, but the hands are Esau's"

Despite the observation that he sounded just like Jacob, Isaac bought it. Hook, Line and Sinker.
        "Okay, bring me the venison before it gets cold, then I can bless you."

So they ate the venison and bread together and had some nice wine.
        "Okay, boy: May the Lord bless you with abundant rain and fat crops and lots of corn and wine. Your servants will bow before you, nations will bow before you, your brothers will bow before you and, y'know, the usual stuff about people that bless you being blessed and people that curse you being cursed."
        "Awesome. Thanks, Pop."

He split. Moments later, Esau came in with some fresh venison.
        "Hey, sit up, Dad. I brought some venison for you so you'll bless me!"
        "Who are you?"
        "Esau. Remember, you sent me to get you some num-nums?"

Isaac began trembling with rage.
        "I have just eaten venison and blessed the person that brought it to me."
        "Oh...bless me, too, Dad!"
        "You don't get it: Your brother came in here and tricked me into giving him your blessing."
        "Aw, that little shit! First he took my birthright, and now my damn blessing?! Well, you have to have a spare blessing for me, right?"
        "Well, I already made him your Master, decreed that all his brethren are his servants, and made sure he'll be good on corn and wine forever. Is there anything I missed that might be left over for you?"
        "Aw, just give me something." He was now on the verge of whining.
        "Okay, you'll...uh...have rain and good crops, you'll serve your brother very well and...let's see....one day you'll break free of his authority."

Esau took his half-assed blessing and thought about how much he hated his little dip-shit brother. He decided he was going to kill him as soon as Isaac died. And he wasn't too quiet about it either, because word got back to his Mom.

When Rebekah heard about Esau's fratricidal plans, she warned Jacob to run away and stay with her brother until Esau cooled off. Then she went and told Isaac that she sure hopes Jacob doesn't marry one of those slutty girls from Heth. Isaac likely wondered where the hell that came from. I certainly did.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #13: Isaac comes into his own.

Genesis, Chapters 25-26:

Now that Isaac had gotten a wife, Abraham decided to remarry, and he did. And his new wife had a whole bunch of kids, who Abraham gave presents and sent away so that Isaac wouldn’t have to share his inheritance. Abraham did finally die, aged 175. And Isaac did not, in fact, have to share his inheritance with anyone.

Isaac and Ishmael buried Abraham next to Sarah.

Having finished the task of burying his father, Ishmael went back home and did what people did then: he had a lot of babies. Isaac, in turn, attempted to do the same, but was momentarily prevented from doing so because his wife, much like his mother, was totally infertile. Isaac was a bit smarter than his dad though, and instead of just feeling sorry for himself, he went and asked God to fix it. God did, and soon Isaac and Rebekah were expecting twins.

Rebekah had something of a rough pregnancy and went to ask God why.
        “You have two nations in you,” He said, “One of your kid will be the patriarch of a strong people, who will be subservient to the weaker ones of your other child.”
        “Oh.”

The twins were Esau, who was born red and possibly hairy, and Jacob. Finally, after twenty years of marriage, Isaac had some heirs.

The boys grew up, Esau was a decent hunter, and Jacob was pretty boring and lived in tents. Isaac and Rebekah, not being the best parents, each picked one child to love. Isaac loved Esau, because they shared a love of venison, and Rebekah loved Jacob, presumably because Isaac got to pick first.

One day Esau stumbled out of the field, nearing death from exertion. He came to Jacob’s tent, where he was making some tasty-looking red stew.
        “Jacob, I am totally in need of some food. Help me out, huh?”
        “Umm....Tell you what; I will sell you some stew in return for your birthright.”
        “Well, I am dying,” Esau said, too weak to notice what a dick his brother was being, “guess my birthright isn’t much good to me dead.”
        “Deal, then?”
        “Sure.”

So Esau sold his birthright for some bread and lentil stew, then went on his way.

Isaac and Rebekah, meanwhile, found themselves in the middle of a famine and had to move. As for their destination, God told Isaac where to go and reiterated the promises of greatness that he had made to Abraham. So Isaac settled down in Gerar.

In Gerar, which was within Abimelech’s lands, he pulled the same crap on Abimelech that his dad had done: he told everyone that his hot wife was actually his sister, because he was paranoid that people would kill him to take her. Rich people have always been paranoid about being killed on the street, apparently.

Of course, when Abimelech figured out what was up, he called Isaac out on his shit, then had word spread that anyone that messed with Isaac or Rebekah would be put to death.

This allowed Isaac time to tend the fields and he saw a hundred-fold return on his investment and God blessed him. This trend kept up and Isaac became fabulously wealthy and the Philistines were pretty jealous. So jealous, in fact, that they went and filled in all the wells that had been dug by Abraham’s servants.

Abimelech then went to Isaac and said, “You should just go, man. You’re just...you’re too awesome for us.” Because, truly, Isaac was like a movie star living in Flint, Michigan.

So Isaac left and went to...Gerar? Maybe it was a different place called Gerar. Yeah...like moving from Detroit, Michigan to Detroit, Oregon. Or Paris, France to Paris, Texas. Anyway, he left Gerar and went to Gerar and he had all the wells re-dug. The herdsmen of Gerar claimed that the water was theirs, so Isaac’s people had to dig another, but the herdsmen claimed that one, too. So they had to keep doing that until everyone had enough water and the herdsmen stopped being such babies and learned to share.

All this well-digging ended up in Beer-sheba, where God came to him.
        “Hey.”
        “Oh, hey God. How’s it hangin’?”
        “Good. Listen, just wanted to let you know I got your back. Me an’ your old man were tight, so I’m lookin’ out for you because I told him I would,” He said, sounding like a cop taking on a rookie partner in a movie.

So Isaac built an altar and pitched a tent and, just for good measure, dug one more well. Shortly after that, Abimelech came up from Gerar with a friend of his as well as the Captain of the Army.

        “Um...why are you here? I know you hate me; you kicked me off your land.”
        “Oh. Uh, well...y’see...We noticed you’re friends with God and all, so we thought maybe we could make a deal. Y’know we kicked you out and stuff, but we did it peacefully, right? I mean, we haven’t harmed you. We just thought, maybe you could, like, not harm us either?”
        “Sure. Here’s some food.”

And they ate, spent the night, and went in peace. The peace he had made with Abimelech, coupled with the subsequent finding of water, had Isaac feeling pretty good. Then Esau had to go and spoil it by marrying some daughter of Hittites, which spoiled Isaac’s mood and Rebekah’s.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #12: Kissin' Cousins

Genesis, Chapter 24:

The death of his wife, Sarah, left Abraham alone and very, very old. He sent for his eldest servant and asked him to fondle his thigh.
        “Nameless servant, I need you to do something for me. Swear that you will not choose my son’s wife from the wretched asses who live here, but that you’ll get him a nice little honey from my home country, someone related to me, preferably.”
        “Sure. But what if she doesn’t want to follow me all the way back here? Should I take Isaac out there?”
        “No! Whatever you do, don’t bring him there! If she won’t follow you, you’re off the hook.”

So the servant swore that he wouldn’t get Isaac a wife from the despicable Canaanites he lived amongst and that he wouldn’t bring him to the despicable place that his father came from, and would respect Abraham’s wishes that Isaac should only marry a cousin, or closer relative if possible. Thus, he set out for Mesopotamia, and the land of Nahor that Abraham escaped from.

When he arrived, he spotted a well and thought it would be a good place to pick up chicks. Presumably quite tired from his journey, he decided that he was proposing (for Isaac) to the first girl who was human enough to not refuse him water when he asked. No sooner had he decided that than Rebekah, one of Isaac’s cousins, came out to get some water.
        “Excuse me, but do you think you could spare some water for this poor, tired traveller?”
        “Sure.”
        “THANK YOU, GOD.”

So, upon verifying that, yes, her union to Isaac would be a game of genetic Russian Roulette, he gave her an earring and some bracelets and went to meet the family. They were very nice to him and gave him water to wash his feet and stuff, but he refused to eat the meat they offered until he had told them of his purpose for being there.

He then retold, word-for-word, the tale so far. In excruciating detail. Right up until the point that he came in the door.
        “Now,” he said, “How’s about it? Can I take your daughter and marry her to a cousin she’s never met that, for all you know, I could have made up, just because I claim it was a task from God?”
        “Well, yeah. If God said it, who are we to argue? Take her, total stranger. Take her in the name of the Lord and give her to your master, who we assume you have not fabricated.”
        “Awesome.”
        “Can we have about ten days to get used to the idea of losing our beloved Rebekah?”
        “Time is money, people. As I’ve already given all of you gold and jewels, I think it only fair that you let me get out of this rat-hole with your daughter.”
        “You got it.”

Rebekah agreed to this, so they got her all ready the next morning and blessed her for the journey.
        “Go, daughter,” Rebekah’s family said, “Be the mother to billions of people, and let them possess the gates of those who hate them.”

That may seem like a strange blessing to you, but there must have been a reason Abraham didn’t want Isaac setting foot in that place. Such blessings are likely indicative of that position. Anyway, they got on their camels and headed back to give Rebekah over to Isaac.

So one day, as Isaac was out meditating, he saw the camels crest the horizon and ran out to meet them.

        “Who’s that running over here like an overexcited child?” asked Rebekah.
        “That is my master,” replied the servant.

Throwing a veil over her face, she jumped from the camel to meet her new husband. When Isaac got to them and was eager to meet his new wife, the servant decided to tell Isaac the whole story of what he had done in what can only be assumed was excruciatingly tedious detail.

When Isaac had escaped the tedium of his servant’s tale, he took Rebekah back to his mother’s tent and married her. He loved her very much and the marriage helped him get over the death of his mommy. And the world waited for Freud to come around and explain that.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #11: Isaac

Genesis, Chapters 22-23:

When Abraham was hanging out at Abimelech's place, he was visited by God,
        “Abraham.”
        “Yes?”
        “So....you know that miracle kid your wife had? Isaac?”
        “Uh...yeah.”
        “Turns out, I’m gonna need to take him back. So, I need for you to go to Moriah, and sacrifice him to me on a to-be-disclosed mountain.”
        “Okay. First thing in the morning good for you?”
        “Sure.”

True to his word, Abraham packed up and set out to sacrifice his only (now that Ishmael had been sent away) son to God. He traveled for three days to reach the spot where he was to needlessly kill his son and only heir, with nary a lingering doubt all the while. Seeing the place in the distance, they pulled to a stop and Abraham told his servant to wait while he went to “worship.”

Abraham and Isaac went to the place of sacrifice, the boy carrying all the firewood,
        “Father,” called Isaac.
        “Yes?”
        “Um...I notice you have a torch for the fire and a knife for the killing and plenty of wood for the burning, but you seem to have forgotten the lamb to sacrifice.”
        “God will provide the lamb,” Abraham lied. Isaac, gullible with youth, accepted this, not seeing that God providing His own sacrifice was a little like a birthday-boy providing his own presents.

When they got to the spot, Abraham built an altar and tied up Isaac who, for his part, seemed unconcerned that there was no lamb in sight as he was being bound and placed onto an altar by his knife-weilding father. With this part of the task complete, Abraham grasped his knife and brought it down for the killing blow.

        “Abraham!” called an angel from the heavens.
        “Uh...what? I’m trying to kill my son here.”
        “You don’t have to kill the kid. I get the idea, you are clearly scared shitless of me, seeing as how you were totally willing to kill your only son just because I told you to,” the angel said, speaking of God in the first person for some reason.

Looking up, Abraham spotted a ram behind him (somehow) with its horns stuck in a thicket. So, clearly needing to fulfill a bloodlust, whether his own or God’s, he killed that instead.

        “Oh, hey,” came the angel’s voice again, “since you were totally willing to kill Isaac, I am so gonna multiply your seed.”

Abraham thought this sounded pretty groovy and went back home. God apparently was okay with a relatively loose definition of “seed,” because it was Abraham’s brother that ended up having his seed greatly multiplied, having 12 children with two women.

Sarah, however, never gave Abraham any more children, as she died at the age of 127. Abraham wept for her and, in his mourning, sought a place to bury her. As a powerful and respected man, a quite nice field/cave combo was gifted to him for this purpose.
        “How much do I owe you for this?” Abraham asked Ephron, the owner of the plot.
        “No, man. It’s a gift,” replied Ephron.
        “Come on, here. How much? I want to pay you. What’s the place worth?”
        “It’s worth 400 sheckels. That’s like, nothing. Just take the land and bury your wife.”

But Abraham was stubborn and gave Ephron the 400 sheckels, because he wanted to be sure that he could use the land as a family plot. Thus was born the deathcare industry.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #10: Abraham and Abimelech

Genesis, Chapters 20-21:

Now that God had destoryed Sodom and Gomorrah, it was time to focus His energy back on Abraham.

Abraham, apparently missing the wild swinging days of his youth, traveled south with his wife Sarah and told the Abimelech, the king of that land, that Sarah was his sister. Despite the fact that she was now 90 years old, Abimelech took her.

That night, God appeared to Abimelech and said,
        “You’re a dead man.”
        “What? Why?”
        “That woman is married.”
        “Really? Okay, first, I never touched her. Second, That dude said she was his sister. And so did she! So, you can’t blame me, I was lied to.”
        “I know. That’s why I held you back from jumping her bones. Now giver her back and her husband, who is a prophet, will pray for you. If you don’t, you’ll die.”

So Abimelech went to Abraham and said,
        “Uh, what the hell, man? What did I ever do to you that you’d try to get me to have sex with your wife so that God would kill me?”
        “Eh. I figured you guys probably weren’t scared enough of Big G. Oh, and I didn’t actually lie. She is my sister. Well, half-sister. That’s just how we roll in my family.”

So Abimelech gave Abraham sheep, oxen, and both male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, along with returning Sarah.
        “Well, sir,” Abimelech said, not messing around with a fried of God’s, “you can live anywhere on my land you want. Oh, and Sarah, I gave your ‘brother’ a thousand pieces of silver, so let’s pretend this never happened.” And she was cool with that.

So Abraham prayed to God, who healed Abimelech and his wife and his lady-slaves, and they had babies. Because, oh, yeah, God had sealed up all their wombs when Abimelech took Sarah, apparently.

So, back home, God decided it was time to keep his promise: thus was Sarah knocked up. She had the baby and she named him Isaac, because when God picks your baby’s name out for you, you don’t name him Mario. And, of course, when Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him.

So, after a while, Sarah happened to see Ishmael and was reminded that she frikken hated his mother, Hagar. So she went to Abraham,
        “Abe,” she said, “Now that you have a real kid, you need to send that bitch packing and tell her to take her bastard kid with her. He’s not going to inherit shit now that we have Isaac.”

Abraham was a bit conflicted because he didn’t want to send his son away, but neither did he want to sleep on the couch forever. God sensed this and came to him.
        “Do what your wife says, man! I’ll take care of the kid. Because he’s your son, he’ll get his own country.”

So Abraham packed up a hobo sack and sent Hagar and Ishmael off. After journeying for a while, they ran out of water, so Hagar pushed the kid under a shrub and went a few hundred yards away so she wouldn’t have to watch him die. As she sat there crying, and angel came to her,
        “Hey...chill out, lady. God heard your kid. Look over there.”

And when she opened her eyes, there was totally a well like, right there. So she filled up the bottle and gave some to Ishmael, who ended up growing big and strong, became an archer and married a nice Egyptian girl that his mommy picked out for him.

Around this time, Abimelech went to Abraham and said,
        “Abraham, I know you’re real tight with God. So I want to ask you straight-up: swear to me here, in front of God, that you won’t dick me over. Or any of my descendants. I did right by you, you do right by me.”
        “Sure, I swear. But, by the way, you’re in trouble because your people violently took away a well.”
        “Dude, I don’t know anything about that. Including how someone can forcibly remove a hole from the ground.”

Abraham then gave a bunch of sheep and oxen to Abimelech, and set seven lambs free to run wild.
        “Why’d you let those lambs go?” asked Abimelech.
        “Because we’re making a deal. Those are yours now, in return for you acknowledging that I dug this well.”
        “Right-O. See ya.” and Abimelech and his people took off back to the land of the Philistines. And Abraham planted a grove on that spot and hung out there for many days.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #9: Sodom and Gomorrah

Genesis, Chapter 19:

Now that God had committed himself to destroying Sodom and Gomorrah, unless he found 10 decent people there, a pair of His angels drifted into town. Lot, working the gate that night, got up and bowed to them.
        “Please, come rest yourselves in my home. We’ll get you fed and get those feet washed so you can continue on your way well-resting in the morning.”
        “Naw. We’d rather just stand here in the street all night,” they replied.
        “Okay, that’s just crazy-talk. Come on, in with you now, don’t be shy,” he pushed, until finally the men relented.

True to his word, he fed them a great feast with unleavened bread and the men ate it. While the feasting was happening, however, every man in the city surrounded Lot’s house. When they felt they had a proper mob going on, they called out to Lot,
        “Hey, Lot! Where are those guys you’ve got staying with you? Send them on out here so we can gang-rape them!”

Lot went to meet them at the door. “C’mon, don’t be like that. They’re my guests. It would be a bit rude to just hand them over to a motley gang of butt-pirates. Tell you what: I have two fine-ass daughters. Virgins, no less. I’ll send them out here and you can have them six ways from Sunday if you want. In return, you leave the total strangers I’m harboring alone.”
        “No deal,” they said, “Now stand aside and let us play priest-and-choirboy with those dudes, or you’re gonna get double what they get,” and they came close to forcing their way in.

The men in the house reached out and yanked Lot in, closing the door after him and they used their angel hoodoo to strike every man outside the door blind. The men outside the door, in turn, stumbled around, trying to find the door, clearly too concerned with their cornholing plans to worry about such small matters as sudden and complete blindness.

        “Okay, Lot,” the angels said, “get your family and your stuff and get the hell outta dodge, because God is gonna make this place look like what geologists will one day call the Archean Period, an imaginary long-ago time when the molten rock that formed the Earth began to cool.”
        “That sounds like insane babble.”
        “I know, right? Anyway, you should leave before God sends fire from the sky to punish the wicked.”
        “Makes sense.”

So Lot went and fetched his sons-in-law, casting extreme doubt upon his claim that his daughters were virgins, and told them what was happening. They p’shawed and ignored the old man, and he apparently didn’t press the issue too much, perhaps because they were douchebags.

The next morning, the angels woke up Lot, who had gone home to get a good night’s sleep on the eve of the entire nation’s fiery destruction.
        “Wake up, get your wife and daughters and get the hell outta here, or you’re going to be fried to a toasy crisp with all these other sinning a-holes.”

Lot sort of meandered about, putting it off, so the angels grabbed him and his family and took them out of the city themselves. Once safely away, the angels reiterated the importance of not sticking around for the flaming holocaust,
        “Okay, now, seriously. Take off. Just run, okay? Don’t look back, don’t stop for a beer, just run away from here to the mountain or you will be kindling.”
        “Awww...the mountain? I hate that place. Seriously. If I have to go there, I’ll just, like, die. Can I go to the little nearby town of Zoar instead?” he asked, totally oblivious of the enormity of the situation.
        “Fine,” Said God, who must have turned up at some point, “I’ll change my plans for a Holy Cleansing of this wicked land so you don’t have to be inconvenienced. Being a picky little whiner must run in your family, though. Now go, because I can’t kill thousands of people until you get there safely.”

So Lot and his family went to Zoar and God got to rain fire from the sky at those who had pissed Him off, until there was nothing left but ash and tiny glass pebbles. While this was happening, Lot’s wife looked in the direction of the giant fireworks show in the sky, apparently the only person in Zoar to do so, because no one else was reported as having turned into a pillar of salt.

Lot got up the next morning, seemingly unfazed that his wife has been turned to salt for no reason and with no warning that looking at the display would have repercussions. His wife probably assumed when they said not to look back that they just meant to hurry up to avoid a scorching demise. Anyway, Lot was also feeling adventurous, because when he woke, he looked out at the smoking, smoldering remains of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Despite what Lot told God, he was suddenly afraid to live in Zoar and would rather live in the mountain after all. So he packed up his daughters and they moved into a cave.

        “Dad’s pretty old,” said his older, nameless daughter to her nameless younger sibling, “so he’s not likely to remarry and, let’s face it, living in a cave in a mountain, you and I aren’t getting new husbands. Ooh! Know what we should do? We should totally get Dad drunk off his ass and do him, so we can continue our bloodline.”
        “Good idea, Sis!”

So, they got him so drunk that when Older Daughter went and jumped his bones, he remembered none of it the next morning.

        “Success!” she reported the next day, “now, we’ll just get him drunk again tonight, and it’ll be your turn to have sex with Dad!”
        “Okay!”

So they got him drunk again, and Younger Daughter did the Daddy Deed.

Nine months later, they gave birth to Moab and Benammi, respectively. And thus, the precedent was set for women to always be portrayed as nameless whores, deceivers, sluts and sex-objects.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #8: Haggling with God

Genesis, Chapter 18:

God came to Abraham once again, now that Abraham had mutilated every penis in his household. It was a hot day and God came to Abraham as he sat in the doorway of his tent. When he looked up, Abraham saw three men standing by him. “By” in a pretty loose sense, since Abraham then jumped up and ran to them. God must have ducked behind a camel, though, because Abraham seems not to have noticed Him at all.
        “Hey, don’t go anywhere! Let me send for some water, I’ll have a slave wash your feet. You just rest here under the tree! And I’ll get you some bread, as your humble servant.” he exclaimed, strangely eager to please some total strangers that wandered in out of the desert and not acting at all as a Father of nations, despite the “ah” in his name which was, somehow, meant to indicate that.

He then ran in the tent.
        “Sarah!” he called out, “Go get three measures of meal, knead it and make some cakes!” Then he ran out to the stables, found a nice, tender calf ad had the stable boy kill it expediently. Once that was finished, he brought the meat, plus milk and butter, to the men, and they all chowed down.
        “Where’s your wife, Sarah?” said one of the men.
        “Oh, over in the tent,” replied Abraham, not wondering how the hell this clown knew his wife’s name.
        “I’m gonna come back according to the time of life, and she’s gonna have a son,” the man replied, not creeping Abraham out at all.

Behind them, at the door of the tent, Sarah heard this and laughed to herself,
        “Is that guy saying that he’s going to give this 90 year old woman pleasure, which I clearly haven’t known in a while since my husband’s no spring chicken either?”

The Lord had not yet seen fit to create Viagra, after all.

And the Lord (presumably jumping out from behind the aforementioned camel) said to Abraham,
        “Why did Sarah Laugh and doubt that she shall have a child due to her grievous age?”
        “I didn’t laugh!” lied Sarah, rather than just point out that some stranger had just said he was gonna rape her next time he passed through town.
        “Uh, yeah you totally did,” the Lord retorted.

Then, the men stood and looked in the direction of Sodom, suddenly and without any apparent reason. God wondered if he should hide what he was about to do from Abraham, because he knew Abraham was a bleeding-heart Liberal. Finally, he decided to just come clean.
        “Okay, I’m going down to Sodom and Gomorrah, because I have gotten God-Vibes that there’s a lot of sinning goin’ on down there. So, I’m going down in person to see for myself and if they didn’t really sin, I’ll know. If they did, though. Oh, it’s on. I’m gonna wipe those asses off the face of My Green Earth.”

The three men took off toward Sodom, but Abraham stayed to chat with God.

        “Let me ask you a hypothetical. What if, hypothetically, there are 50 good people down there? Are you gonna kill them with all the rest, or would you spare them and only kill the wicked?”
        “Dude, if there are 50 good people in that hell-hole, I’ll spare the whole lot of them, just for the sake of that 50.”
        “What if there are only 45 good people?”
        “Fine, I’ll spare everyone if there are 45 good people,” He replied with an inward sigh.
        “What if there are 40?”
        “You’re pushing you’re luck, bro. But, sure.”
        “What if there are 30?”
        “Are you kidding me? Fine, 30 good people, and Sodom and Gomorah don’t get toasted.”
        “Good. How ‘bout 20?”
        “You are really pissing me off here. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. But, if you want, yes, I will spare everyone for the sake of 20 lousy good people.”
        “Ten?”
        “Okay, fine, whatever. If there are so many as ten decent people in that Me-Forsaken place, I’ll let the whole damn place live -- BUT YOU BETTER NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD!”

So God went to do what it is He does, and Abraham went back into his tent.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #7: Abraham

Genesis, Chapters 16-17:

God promised Abram heirs and it was about time for him to deliver.

Abram’s wife, Sarai, finally came to terms with the fact that her womb was as fertile as a moon rock. So she went to Abram with an Idea.
        “Abram, my husband, here’s the deal; you’ve been hoisting yourself on top of me every night for years and I think we both know that no matter what you put in there, a kid is never coming out. So, since you like swinging so much, you can go do your begetting with my handmaiden, Hagar.”

So Abram took Hagar as his second wife, and she was promptly knocked up. Once she realized that she had mad child-bearing skills, Hagar totally lost all respect for Sarai and gave her the evil eye and stuff all the time. Of course, Sarai picked up the not-so-subtle hints and went to Abram with her concerns.

        “Abram, I sent Hagar to be your backup womb and now she thinks she’s hot shit, just because her womb can hold a baby! Bitch treats me like I’m dirt, when she ain’t nothin’ but a baby-momma!”
        “Hey,” Abram replied, “She’s your servant. You got a problem with her, deal with it.”

So Sarai went to Hagar, grabbed her by her nappy weave and told her what’s what. Hagar took off, afraid of getting her ass kicked.

One of God’s angels found her by a fountain in the wilderness (God doesn’t do personal appearances for a baby-momma) and said to her,
        “Why did you come here? And where will you go?”
        “I had to get away from that flat-bellied skank, Sarai.”
        “Lady, just go back and face the music. If you do, I’ll multiply your seed exceedingly. You’ll have more babies than you can count. You’re pregnant...it’s a boy, by the way. When he’s born, name him Ishmael. He is gonna be wild, too! He’s gonna fight the whole world.”

So, she did go back, and had a baby boy, and they named him Ishmael.

Thirteen years later, God came to Abram for a face-to-face.
        “I am GOD!” He said, “Walk before me and be perfect!”
Abram fell to his knees in supplication, clearly ballsy enough to disobey God’s commands both of walking and of being perfect. God deigned to talk to him, regardless.
        “Okay, so we had a deal, right? I told you that you’d have a bazillion kids and stuff, right? Well, here we go. This is gonna be awesome. Seriously. Future kings are gonna swim outta that little willy you got there....You’ll be the father of many nations. Which is why, from now on, you name will not be Abram, but Abraham!” he said, clearly believing that Abr(ah)am would understand the connection between adding “ah” to the middle of his name and being the patriarch of nations.
        “We have a covenant, see,” continued the Holy Lord, “between me, and you and all your many, many kids. And I’ll keep the covenant, and you’ll keep the covenant, and they’ll keep the covenant, and I’ll be their God. Like in the covenant that we have. Me and you an all your kids...”

And the Lord rambled on, repeating himself a few time like a drunkard, before coming to this little gem:

        “And, as a symbol of our covenant, you will cut off the end of your dick. Just the outside, skin part, though. Anyone in your family more than 8 days old, must be circumcised. Snip, snip. Starting now, and ending...never. For all time, all your descendants, all your slaves, snip, snip. And if someone has an intact willy? He is banished from your family because he broke our covenant.
        “Oh, and your wife...She gets a new name, too. Her name is now Sarah. Don’t question it. Did I mention I’m God? I’m gonna let her have a kid, too. A son, named Isaac. Now, Isaac is the one that counts, okay? Ishmael will have a fine life, he’ll father 12 princes, but my covenant will be with Isaac. Still mutilate Ishmael’s penis, though. That’s non-negotiable.”

Then God took off, and Abraham went and got a knife.

That was not a good night to be a man in the Abraham household.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #5: The First Pimp

Genesis, Chapters 12-13:

After tearing down the Tower of Babel, God became a sugar-daddy for a guy named Abram. Abram was picked by the Lord, seemingly at random, and told to leave from Haran and that God would help him start a great nation, where people who blessed Abram would be blessed and people who cursed him would, in turn, be cursed. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Abram, his wife and his nephew, Lot, left Haran to start a new and glorious nation.

Abram and his family just kept on going, until the reached the plain of Moreh, and God appeared to them:
        “I will give this land to your children,” said God, probably having a little fun with the fact that Abram’s wife couldn’t bear children. But Abram built him an altar on that spot anyway and God re-appeared before him, though apparently didn’t have much to say. Abram then went and made camp at a mountain, where he built another alter to the Lord and called upon His name. It seems he was unavailable at this time, however.

So Abram journeyed further south, to Egypt, because there was a terrible famine in the lands he was passing through. And he said to his wife:
        “Sarai, my wife, you are one smokin’-hot fox. Now, when the Egyptians see you, they’re gonna know you’re my wife, and they’ll kill me so they can have sex with you. Well, I figure, if you’re gonna get screwed by other guys anyway, let’s at least say you’re my sister so they don’t kill me.” And Sarai, apparently, didn’t think this was a total dick thing to say.

But, as it turned out, Abram was right (still a dick, though) and the Egyptians saw his totally hot wife and took her to Pharaoh, who confirmed: this lady is totally hot. And both her and Abram were lavished with camels and stuff. Of course, God didn’t think it was cool that Pharaoh was schtupping another man’s wife, so He sent great Plagues upon Pharaoh (which would later become a hobby of His).

And Pharaoh went to Abram and said “Dude! What the hell?! She’s your wife?! How sick do you have to tell me she was your sister and just let me have sex with her? Now I’m being plagued and shit, because of your deviant ass! Take your damn wife and get out of my country. The sign says ‘Welcome to Egypt,’ not ‘welcome to sick swingers’ Paradise.’”

So Abram, Sarai and Lot went further south, out of Egypt. At this point, of course, Abram was quite rich. He had silver gold and livestock. It’s hard for a Pimp? Abram might disagree.

So they traveled south and decided at some point to head back north, to where they had previously built an altar to the Lord. and they called again upon the Lord. Who, it seems, was again in a meeting.

Now, at this point, Abram and co. were so rich, with so many cattle and servants, that the land couldn’t support them all. And Abram’s herdsmen hated Lot’s herdsmen...it was all just a big thing. So Abram said to Lot, “Okay, man. We’re family, and there’s a lot of squabbling going on. So that we don’t hate each other, maybe we should just part ways here. You go east, I’ll go west.”

So Lot journeyed east and lived in Sodom (the denizens of which God hated) and Abram went west and lived in the land of Canaan. And God came to Abram and said, “Look around, bro. All around. All that is yours. Everything you can see belongs to you and will belong to your heirs.”

Abram ignored the fact that God was undoubtedly making fun of his wife’s barren womb again and built Him an altar.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #4: The Tower of Babel

Genesis, Chapters 9-11:


After God was done flooding the Earth, he told Noah and his family to get to work repopulating the Earth:

        “Noah (and family),” God said, “You guys need to get started on some serious begetting. Oh, and all those animals you toiled for over a year to save? You are now allowed to eat them. But not their blood. You have to drain that out first, because that’s just for me. But you can’t be cruel to them. Or each other. Oh, and super-important...if you kill someone, then you forfeit your own life. I think maybe protecting Cain because he was a murderer probably led to all the shit I had to flood the Earth for. Am I rambling? Anyway: Go, multiply. Oh, and not to worry, your tedious begetting will not go to waste, I’m not gonna flood the place again. Here, I’ll invent rainbows to remind me, in case I forget.”

So, They started their begetting, one of the noteworthy begotten sons, was Canaan, son of Noah’s youngest, Ham.

Meanwhile, Noah started a vineyard and began making (and drinking) wine. One day, he got so drunk that he passed out naked in his tent. Ham saw him splayed out drunk in his tent and went and told his brothers, who went and covered him up, making sure not to look at his shriveled, 600-year-old begetting stick.

In the morning, Noah woke and saw that someone had covered him up. Using what can only be described as the best detective skills ever, he surmised that Ham had seen him naked and he got super-pissed.
        “Because my son saw me naked, I will put a curse on his son! Yeah, that’s it. Canaan’s brethren will be servants of servants! And my other two sons will be blessed by the Lord. In fact, God will enlarge Japheth and Canaan will be a servant to them both. So suck on that, Ham, you douchebag.”

Later, at the age of 950, Noah died.

In the meantime, though, his sons got to “know” their wives an awful lot. They begat and begat and begat. And the begotten began to beget. Ham had a grandson, who was given the unfortunate name of Nimrod, and he founded the city of Babel. And other of these begotten founded other cities, such as Sodom, Gomorrah, Adma, Zeboim, Lasha, etc. In the aforementioned Babel, they decided to build a tower to heaven. They made it of brick, with slime for mortar.

God came and saw this tower and did not approve of a tower to heaven, even if its use of slime for mortar made it a filed endeavor from the start.
        “Look at them, all talking to one another and sharing knowledge. That simply won’t do,” God said to himself.
So he cast the people all around the world and gave them all separate languages, so they would not be able to collaborate until someone invented the internet (or at least the telegraph).

Then, of course, more begetting. And everyone lives several hundred years, despite God’s previous declaration that people would only live to the age of 120. One of these, a descendant of Shem, was called Terah, and he had a son named Abram and one named Haran (who died) who had a son named Lot.

Terah took Abram and his wife and Lot and moved them to the land of Canaan, in a city that, coincidentally, had the same name as Lot’s deceased father: Haran.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #3: The Flood

Genesis, Chapters 6-8:

So, after much begetting, there were lots of people around, and they decided to marry one another and probably beget some more. And God looked upon this and decided that he would cut the human life span to a little over 1/10th what it previously had been, because the flesh can’t sustain the soul for that long, despite the evidence from the previous seven generations. Also, there were giants then. It doesn’t matter to the story, just thought I’d mention it. Randomly. For no reason.

So, looking down on the thriving community he had started with some mud and a rib, God saw that every thought from every person was, at every moment, a thought of total evil, and he wondered why he’d ever made us in the first place. Then he decided that he would kill everybody. And all the animals while he was at it because, apparently, they were also total assholes.

But Noah was a decent guy and God liked him. If he killed Noah, why, he’d have no one to play lawn darts with. So they went for a walk together and God said:
        “Noah, here’s the deal. I am going to wipe all flesh from the Earth.”
        “So...cutting the life span by 90% wasn’t enough?”
        “Don’t sass me, boy. I’m letting your family live. But you have to build a big-ass boat and put two of each animal on it, male and female. Actually, get seven pairs of the clean animals. And chickens...seven pairs of chickens and other fowl. And just the one pair of everything else.”

So Noah built a boat to God’s specifications and, in seven days, gathered up two of every animal upon the Earth and loaded them up onto the boat with provisions. Noah and his wife and sons and sons’ wives got on the boat. Then it started raining. Forty days later it stopped raining, but the water continued to rise anyway, somehow. And the water level got so high that the mountains themselves were underwater. And the water stayed high for 150 days.

After 150 days, God suddenly remembered that he’d left his buddy in a boat with a shit-load of animals and he made the water level go down with wind. Which, as anyone who’s ever been in a hurricane can tell you, totally works. Also, he stopped the rain at this point, despite the fact that he had already stopped the rain 110 days prior. Anyway, the boat came ashore at the top of Mt. Ararat, where it sat, still stuffed full of Noah and the animals, while they waited for the waters to abate.

After Forty days of waiting atop the mountain, Noah sent out a Raven, who was never heard from again. So he sent out a dove who, finding no place to land, came back. He waited another week and sent the dove back out, and when the dove returned, the olive leaf it carried let Noah know that the water had abated and there was land. So, having been cooped up in a boat with thousands of animals for nine months, Noah, upon finding out that land had returned...waited another week. And he sent the dove out again, and this time, it didn’t come back. So Noah waited in the boat another 95 Days before finally venturing out of the boat after a grand total of one year, ten days cooped up.

And God said to Noah: “Get on out of the Ark, man! You and all the animals have some serious begetting to do!”
Upon leaving the boat, Noah built an altar and, seeing as how there were seven times as many of some of those clean animals and fowl, he felt it would be a good idea to pointlessly kill and burn a few in the name of God. But God thought it smelled so good that he decided that, even though humans were evil even as little kids, he was done with genocide and proclaimed that he was done playing “wipe every trace of life off the face of the planet.” Which was much appreciated by later people who did not find themselves suddenly underwater.


Tomorrow: Propagation of species!

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #2: After Eden

Genesis, Chapters 4-5:

So, Adam and Eve were cast from Eden and began having sex, which bore them their first son, Cain. One assumes that, in accordance with God’s punishment, birthing him hurt like hell. Though, not enough to stop them from having another son, apparently. Thus, Abel was born. Cain and Abel grew up and chose their trades: Cain became a farmer, and Abel became a shepherd.

One day, deciding to set precedent for no apparent reason, they decided to bring an offering to the Lord. Cain brought a heaping of vegetables in offering and Abel brought some slaughtered animals from his flock. God, not being much of a “veggie guy,” wasn’t too thrilled with Cain’s offering, but ran and got a bib when he saw what Abel had brought to him. This made Cain sad and God said unto him:
        “Why are you sad? If you do something well, I’ll accept you. If you suck, then you’re a sinner. Sorry to say, your ‘offering’ sucks, bro.”

Later, Cain saw Abel in the field.
        “Brother,” he called out “I have been meaning to speak with you...”
        “Yes?” Abel replied.
        “Yeah, the thing is -- DIE!!”
        “Ack....gurgle....”
And that was how it came to pass that Cain totally overreacted and killed his brother, becoming the first murderer. Walking around later, totally not feeling any remorse for what he had done, he came upon God.
        “Hey, Cain. Where’s your brother?” God asked, again casting serious aspersions on his actual power level.
        “Dude, how should I know? I’m not my Brother’s Keeper,” he shrugged.
        “Okay, here’s the thing...his blood is calling to me from the ground, so you’re a liar, first of all. Second of all, I’m going to punish you so hard...You have full on murdered one of my children and your punishment will reflect the severity of that action. From this day forth, you will suck at being a farmer!”
        “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
        “And you have to move.”
        “Too harsh, God! If I go out into the world, everyone that sees me will kill me!” he cried, neglecting the fact that he and his parents represented 100% of the human population of the Earth.
        “Okay, man...I don’t know who’s gonna kill you or why they would want to (if they existed) or how they’d manage to do so more than once, but I’ll make you a deal. I will put my mark on you so that whoever kills you will die seven times.”

Cain accepted this because, clearly, things do not have to make any sense at all in his twisted mind. So, Cain took off and lived in the land of Nod, which was East of Eden. And, despite the fact that the only woman on Earth was his mother, Cain found a wife and had a son named Enoch, whom he named a city after.

Then Enoch had a kid, who had a kid, who had a kid, who had a kid named Lamech that took two wives, becoming the first polygamist. How all this begetting happened when only sons were being born is anyone’s guess, but it must have happened, because it’s in the bible. So, then Lamech had a kid with wife #1 named Jabal. And Jabal is father of all people who live in tents and raise cows. And he had a brother named Jubal, who is father of all people who play harps and organs, which were presumably invented around this time.
With wife #2, Lamech had a kid named Tubal-Cain, who was an instructor of everyone who works in iron and brass, which probably came in handy when it was time to invent harps and organs. And Tubal-Cain had a sister, who seems to be of no importance whatsoever.

Then Lamech went to his two wives and said to them: “I have killed two men! If God decrees that Cain’s death shall be avenged sevenfold, then mine should be avenged 77 times!” illustrating that he was insane and bad at math. God had no comment.

Not quite satisfied with being Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandparents, Adam and Eve decided that, at the age of 130, they needed a replacement kid for Abel, and they named him Seth. Who had a kid named Enos.

And everyone lived a long time, around 900 years each. And, oh yeah, Lamech had a kid named Noah, who apparently didn’t bear mentioning in the presence of his oh-so-important siblings, like the father of all tent-residing beef salesmen.



Tomorrow: Noah.

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #1: The Creation

Genesis, Chapters 1-3:


In the beginning there was nothing. Except for God, who presumably was just floating around bored out of his mind for eternity until he got the idea to create reality.

So God created Heaven and the Earth, Light and Dark, Day and Night and stuck the sky between the water on Earth and the water that is above the sky. Then, despite having already created Heaven, He named the sky Heaven.

Then, tired of just saying stuff into existence, God made a little clay model that looked just like him, and gave it CPR. He then went about making Play-Doh animals for a while, making the clay man that looked like God name them all.

When the man-of-clay was done naming all the animals, he noticed one missing:
        “Uh, God?”
        “Yes Mini-Me?”
        “Oh...man. First of all, can you, like, not call me that?”
        “Fine...”
        “Thanks. Anyway, I was noticing that all these animals you made come in pairs...but there seems to be only one of me.”
        “Okay, okay...I’ll take care of it. Put this on your mouth and count backwards from ten.”

Thus, God anesthetized Adam and performed a Ribectomy, forming that Rib into a woman. And when Adam woke, he was thrilled.
        “Oh, sweet! You took her out of my body, huh? Then I decree that Man will leave his parents and join in union with a wife!” he exclaimed.
        Eve looked somewhat confused, “What’s a parent?”
        “Dunno...I’m sure me or the G-man will invent them later.”

And God was pleased with his work. “Okay, then...you kids have fun. I just created the universe and I am POOPED! I’m gonna just chill out for a day. In fact, I’m making it a law that everyone has to rest on this day every week, just to commemorate how awesome this rest is gonna be!”
        “Have a nice rest, God” they said.
        “Thanks...Oh, and see that tree over there? If you eat any fruit off it, you’ll totally die. The others are fine, but that one will kill you. Like, for serious. Deadsville.”

And no sooner was God napping than Eve found herself talking to a snake.
        “Psst...Hey Lady,” called the snake, beguilingly, “you should go eat a piece of fruit from that tree”
        “Oh, no. The Lord told me that I would die if I did so!” she replied.
        “Naw, never happen,” he said slyly, “He just told you that so you wouldn’t know good from evil.”
        “Okay! Adam, come have a bite of this!”
So, Adam and Eve happily ate from the tree, not dying, and gained the knowledge that God is a damn liar. Next, they noticed that they were naked and made clothing from fig leaves, because their new knowledge made them aware that being naked is not socially acceptable. Not for warmth or anything, just the embarrassment thing.

Some time later, the lovely couple heard God walking through the garden, apparently talking to himself and they hid in the trees to hide their nakedness, despite having already made clothes out of leaves. And God called out “Adam, where are you?” casting serious doubt on His claims of Omniscience.
        “I’m right here...I heard you coming and I was like, totally nude, so I thought I’d hide behind this bush”
        God spit his slurpee all over the garden, “Who told you that you were naked? Oh, dude...you better not have eaten from that tree. You totally did, didn’t you?”
        “Wait,” Adam replied, “I thought you were Omiscient.”
        “Just answer the question!”
        And Adam totally sold out his old lady.
        And the old lady totally sold out the snake.
        Everyone’s groove was totally harshed, and God said unto the snake “Dude! Not cool! Just for that, you have to slither. How ‘bout that?” He turned his attention to the humans. “And as for you...Eve, your punishment is that you will want to have sex with Adam and when you have a baby from it, it is totally going to hurt. And Adam? Man, I am so disappointed in you. You will have to garden...but I am going to invent thorns, so that gardening will totally suck. Now here’s some clothes, both of you get out of here and take that tree with you. Oh, and you’re not immortal anymore, I guess. See ya.”

And God set a flaming sword at the entrance of the garden, so his fruit roll-ups would be safe if Adam and Eve ever tried to come back.