Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Terrible Secret of the Rapture

Biblical scholars and clergymen have spent hundreds of years watching for the signs of the rapture, the time when Jesus would return to Earth and deliver his followers bodily into Heaven prior to starting the apocalypse. In recent years, more and more of the foretold events have been observed, according to such experts, and the general consensus has been that Jesus’ return is imminent.
        “Jesus walks among us today,” says Pastor Jim Davidson of the Crown of Thorns Methodist Church in Albuquerque, NM, “He’s just waiting for the right time to exercise His glorious judgement upon us.”

Many expected that the End Times would be kicked off as the clock rolled over into the new millennium on January 1st, 2000, but seem to have been undeterred when no such thing happened.
        “2000 was as arbitrary a number as anyone could have come up with,” explains the Rev. Patrick McIntyre of Our Lady of Blessed Grace Church in Manhattan, “the truth is, no such theories have anything at all to do with scripture and have everything to do with people trying to guess at the will of God using logic that makes sense to them. The flaw there is in thinking that any of us, or even all six billion of us working together, could ever think or reason on the level of perfection and understanding as the Lord. Such thought is more than folly; it’s blasphemy.”

Rev. McIntyre went on to predict the true date of the Rapture as May 7th, 2011.

Shelby Corbitt, of Bradenton, FL, claims that God came to her and gave her a prophetic vision that the Rapture was coming in 2007. She wrote a self-published book on the subject, launched a website called www.2007Rapture.com and advertised the two, amongst other places, on bus stop benches. Mrs. Corbitt fell victim to quite a bit of ridicule when the calendar flipped over to 2008 without incident and she has since taken down her site and started a new one, www.rapturewatcher.org, where she is less specific on the date that God gave her in her 1986 vision.

As it turns out, Mrs. Corbitt may have been too quick in distancing herself from her previous prophecy and should probably have had more faith in the infallible word of the Lord. After rigorous investigation, we have determined that the Rapture did, indeed occur in 2007. Coincidentally, while she had the year right, it was Rev. McIntyre that pinpointed the day: May 7th.

On May 7th at 11:58 AM, Eastern Time, Edward Bailey, a 36 year old contractor in Hartford, CT, was seen walking out of a local deli, when suddenly...
        “He looked like he was doing that moonwalk dance,” eye-witness Desiree Dupree said, “he was walking, but he wasn’t goin’ no where. It took him a second to notice and I was doin’ a double-take myself. But right when he noticed, I seen this light come down out of the sky and he just gently floated up until I couldn’t see him no more. It was nothin’ but a miracle of the Lord and that’s the truth.”

Ms. Dupree, a 92-year-old widow, wasn’t the only witness, either. The deli was located directly across from a bank, who’s ATM security camera caught the whole event, along with three other cameras on the block, including one on the roof of the building Mr. Bailey had just walked out of, which caught Mr. Bailey in close-up as he ascended past.
        “If you look at the street, there’s no question as to the authenticity of the event,” explained Hartford Police forensic expert Oliver Wright, “First, he would have to have set up some sort of crane or pulley system on the roof, which simply could not have been accomplished here without raising some questions. Also, since multiple cameras caught him walking out of a building from behind a closed door just prior to rising, it was clear that he could not have been wearing any sort of harness to be connected to such a system at the time of the ascent. Though no cameras were pointed at the sky to see him rise higher than would have been possible through human means, we do have a reliable witness [Ms. Dupree] who did see this happen and the rest of her testimony is corroborated by the surveillance footage we do have.”

In response to charges of “Rapture,” officer Wright added, “I won’t make a judgement that it was God or aliens or Osama Bin Laden. All I can say is that we know pretty conclusively that this man was lifted into the sky through no human technological means.”

The day after the alleged rapture, an Argentinean newspaper reported that a church had been vandalized, a message written large across one wall in what appeared to be blood, though no tests have determined from what species the blood may have come. The message read: “Only one man was worthy. The rest of you are assholes.”

11 comments:

vjack said...

That was an excellent post! Exactly what I needed to lift my mood this morning. Isn't it fascinating how no Christian seems able to consider the possibility that their rapture has already happened because of what it would mean for them?

vjack said...

Oh, and welcome to my blogroll.

Shawn McBee said...

Glad you liked it. I really find it even more amazing that they think there's any chance any of them could be included in the rapture if it were to happen, the way they've used religion to justify their own bigotries and suppress life-saving sciences at the detriment of people in need. I don't want to see a heaven that would actually take these people.

And thanks for the welcome!

Shawn McBee said...

Oh, and the scary part? Though most of the characters (and their churches) are fictional, Shelby Corbitt is very real and the paragraph describing her story is 100% accurate. I've seen the bus stop ads with my own eyes.

Anfractuous said...

Good gracious! Ed Bailey’s been raptured!
On video the moment was captured.
Floated up to the sky,
To the Great By ;n By.
Now the rest of us assholes are fractured.

Ms. Dupree said Ed’s moon walk was killer.
He did it like Michael in Thriller.
She was so amazed,
That to Heav’n he was raised.
With awe the whole scene seemed to fill her.

“Why Ed?” say the rest of the fundies.
“We go to church Wednesdays and Sundays.
We recite from God’s Word,
Though it’s cruel and absurd.
We give liberruls well-deserved grundies!”

“We’re way better Christians than Ed.
He played naughty games in his bed.
You’ll never believe this…
The way Ed achieved bliss
Was stuppin’ his boyfriend named Ted.”

“Our rapture’s unfairly aborted!”
‘Twas us that God should have escorted.
We hate women and fags,
Drape ourselves in our flags.
When will bigots like us be transported?”

Shawn McBee said...

Anfractuous:

Wow. I am speechless. That was amazing.

That said: You broke the rules! The comments aren't supposed to be better than the post!

Seriously, though... VERY nice.

Anfractuous said...

Thanks, but nope, definitely not better.

Just wanted to let you know in my own doggerelifical way that I’m enjoying your work. You almost had me on this one - the way you mixed this story in with such verisimilitudinous goings on.

As you said, “Only one {of us} is worthy. The rest {me} are assholes.”

Shawn McBee said...

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

I do have to come clean on one thing, though: The fourth paragraph (about Shelby Corbitt) is 100% true, as frightening as that may be.

Just goes to show that people can make careers of being delusional. The more delusional you are, the more successful.

Anfractuous said...

Good gracious! I've clearly been going about this all wrong! All this time I thought you had to be thoughtful/reasonable/sensible/honorable to be successful. Who knew all I'd have to do is be delusional? Hey, I'll have to start working on that!

Booo Tooons Ltd. said...

I want a copy of 'Just Who Is This God Person Anyway?' or 'Well, That About Wraps It Up For God'.

- trevor.

Booo Tooons Ltd. said...

Wow, this sounds like an Onion article!

Y'know, minus the humor, sense of purpose, biting social commentary, whit, unification of non-like-minded individuals and profound hint of satire.

But yeah, other than that, it's total Onion style.

"I don't want to see a heaven that would actually take these people."

Spoken like a true Christian.

- trevor.