Thursday, May 8, 2008

No Bullshit Bible Lesson #20: Dinah's Fate Revealed!

Genesis, Chapter 34:

Though she rated not a single mention in Jacob’s adventures after her birth, his daughter Dinah was, in fact, brought back home when the rest of the family took their leave of Laban.

So Dinah went to see the daughters of the land. Whatever that means. While out and about, she met a prince named Shechem, who took her home and raped her. Unlike most rapists, however, Shechem fell in love with his victim and he tried to sweet talk her into liking him.

Shechem went to his father, a powerful man named Hamor, and demanded that he arrange that Dinah should marry him.

Jacob, meanwhile, had heard about what had been done to his precious (though often overlooked) daughter. His sons were in the field with the cattle when he got word, so he decided to stew in his rage until they returned.

Hamor arrived to discuss the proposal with Jacob at about the same time as the boys came in from the field. When they heard what happened to their sister, they were filled with a rage befitting older brothers in such circumstances.

        “Guys,” Hamor implored, “My son loves your Dinah with all his heart! Please consent to make her his wife! Your daughters will marry into my family and my daughters will marry into yours! We’ll be one, big, happy family! What do you say?”
        “Yeah,” said Shechem, who was also there, apparently, “I’m a good guy! Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you. Anything you want. Trade you a Rolex each for your sister, if you want.”

The men of Jacob’s family discussed amongst themselves briefly and came to a conclusion:
        “The problem,” Jacob said, “is that you heathens have foreskins. Our family has a big problem with excess dick skin and could never give our daughter to someone that’s uncut. But we’re not unreasonable. We will consent to marrying our daughter to you and joining our families if everyone of your people will get circumcised. Otherwise, we’re taking Dinah back and you’ll never see her again.”

Hamor and Shechem left in good spirits. Shechem’s love for Dinah was strong enough that he would mutilate his penis and the penises of every man he encountered, if needs be. So they went and gathered the men of their land and sold them all on the idea of getting circumcised, enticing them with the notion of how much more livestock they could have if they were joined with Jacob’s people. The men agreed and they all set about getting circumcised right away.

The next day, all the men moved about gingerly due to their sore, sore man-units. So when two of Jacob’s sons, Levi and Simeon, charged into town with blades drawn, the men were unable to protect themselves and every last one was killed mercilessly by the brothers.

Their cold-hearted slaughter complete, they freed their sister and took every woman and child captive. They also took all the livestock and harvest and valuables. The town was completely decimated.

Jacob wasn’t too happy to hear what his sons had done,
        “Great. Because of you little shits, everyone around here is going to hate me. You know what’s gonna happen, right? I’ll tell you: all the villages are going to band together, march in here and kill my ass. All because you had to go commit genocide!”
        “Hey, no one treats our sister like a whore, Dad!”

And that seemed to end the argument.

1 comment:

jtrwallace said...

That was ridiculous. Like, 0% of that made sense at all. Cut off the skin of your dick and the rape of our sister will be forgiven. Psych!