No Bullshit Bible Lesson #18: Jacob Takes Off

Genesis, Chapter 31:

Laban’s sons were bitching that Jacob had conned their dad out of all the good livestock and Jacob, in turn, noticed that Laban was giving him dirty looks lately.

Seeing this, God went to Jacob, “Okay, man. You should just go home now. I got your back.”

Jacob jumped into action and called for his wives to meet him at the flock, where he explained their next course of action,
        “Girls, your dad is being kind of a dick, and we all know how long I’ve been busting my ass for him. And, in return, he’s lied to me, changed my wages ten times...so guess what? When he decided I’d get all the cattle that were spotted or speckled, God made ALL of them spotted or speckled. Not my fault. God saw what he was doing and showed him what was what. And now God wants us to go home.”
        “Hell, yeah!” they replied, “He sold us off and then spent all our money! All the stuff here that used to be his would have been our and our kids’ anyway. We should listen to God and get the hell outta here.”

So Jacob loaded his sons and wives onto camels. His daughter? Maybe he fed her to some dogs. Or made her into saddlebags for the camels. Or maybe he loaded her onto a camel with the rest of the family. We may never know. Jacob had gathered all his things, including the flocks. Rachel, for her part, had stolen her father’s idols when he set off to shear his sheep. So, with everything gathered and everyone (with the possible exception of the daughter) loaded onto camels, it was time to leave, with Laban none-the-wiser.

It took three days for Laban to get word that Jacob had taken off and he immediately set out to intercept him. It was seven days of hard travel before he was able to catch up and on one of those nights, God came to Laban in a dream and told him that he’d better watch his mouth when he speaks to Jacob.

Finally, he caught up to Jacob and went to have words with him.
        “What do you think you’re doing, man? Why’d you take off with my daughters, like they were your hostages? Why didn’t you just come and tell me that you wanted to go? I’d have seen you off with a party! But you do this to me, it makes me want to hurt you, Jake. And I could, you know. I could hurt you. The only reason you’re not bleeding out into the sane is because your God asked me not to hurt you. And I know you want to get back home and see your dad again...you have for a long time, but why’d you have to go and steal my little statues of my gods?”
        “I left because I was afraid that you would take your daughters from me. As for who took your idols...you got me. You find them, then you can feel free to whack whoever has them,” Jacob replied, totally unaware that his wife had stolen the idols.

So Laban went on a tent-by-tent search, tearing everything apart, trying to find his idols. But Rachel was smart, she hid them in her camel’s saddle and sat on them and then told her father that she was on her period, so that he wouldn’t look there.

When the search was complete and the idols were nowhere to be seen, Jacob became furious.
        “What the hell did I ever do to you, Laban, that you’d tear-ass across the desert to catch up to me? You’ve gone through all my stuff and what did you find? Huh? Go on, lay it out so everyone can see what I’ve stolen from you! Oh, you don’t have anything? Because it seems to me that I’ve been working for you for twenty years! Fourteen years for your daughters, six years for the cattle. In all that time, I have never stolen anything. I’ve never eaten your meat, I’ve been the one responsible for any lost or stolen animals. Every day and night I worked, sweating and parched in the day, frostbitten at night. And how did you treat me in return? By changing my wages ten times! If it weren’t for the fact that you’re afraid of my God, you’d have sent me away empty-handed by now.”
        “Okay,” replied Laban, “Let’s come to an agreement here. Let’s make a big pile of rocks.”

So they made a big pile of rocks and Laban called it Jegar-sahadutha. But that name sucked, so Jacob called it Galeed. They all ate a big feats on top of the heap of stones, but when it came to deal-time, it was just Jacob, Laban, and the Heap. And God, I guess.
        “Now just you remember,” said Laban, “If you mistreat my daughters or marry additional wives, that God stands witness to our pact here. That said, I will never cross this pile of rocks to do you harm, if you’ll swear the same. And no going around, either. Just pretend the pile marks an invisible border.”

Jacob swore on his father, with God as witness, to uphold the treaty, with God as witness. Then they broke bread and, in the morning, Laban kissed his daughters and grandchildren (well, grandsons...the jury’s still out on poor Dinah, his granddaughter) and went back home.