No Bullshit Bible Lesson #2: After Eden

Genesis, Chapters 4-5:

So, Adam and Eve were cast from Eden and began having sex, which bore them their first son, Cain. One assumes that, in accordance with God’s punishment, birthing him hurt like hell. Though, not enough to stop them from having another son, apparently. Thus, Abel was born. Cain and Abel grew up and chose their trades: Cain became a farmer, and Abel became a shepherd.

One day, deciding to set precedent for no apparent reason, they decided to bring an offering to the Lord. Cain brought a heaping of vegetables in offering and Abel brought some slaughtered animals from his flock. God, not being much of a “veggie guy,” wasn’t too thrilled with Cain’s offering, but ran and got a bib when he saw what Abel had brought to him. This made Cain sad and God said unto him:
        “Why are you sad? If you do something well, I’ll accept you. If you suck, then you’re a sinner. Sorry to say, your ‘offering’ sucks, bro.”

Later, Cain saw Abel in the field.
        “Brother,” he called out “I have been meaning to speak with you...”
        “Yes?” Abel replied.
        “Yeah, the thing is -- DIE!!”
        “Ack....gurgle....”
And that was how it came to pass that Cain totally overreacted and killed his brother, becoming the first murderer. Walking around later, totally not feeling any remorse for what he had done, he came upon God.
        “Hey, Cain. Where’s your brother?” God asked, again casting serious aspersions on his actual power level.
        “Dude, how should I know? I’m not my Brother’s Keeper,” he shrugged.
        “Okay, here’s the thing...his blood is calling to me from the ground, so you’re a liar, first of all. Second of all, I’m going to punish you so hard...You have full on murdered one of my children and your punishment will reflect the severity of that action. From this day forth, you will suck at being a farmer!”
        “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
        “And you have to move.”
        “Too harsh, God! If I go out into the world, everyone that sees me will kill me!” he cried, neglecting the fact that he and his parents represented 100% of the human population of the Earth.
        “Okay, man...I don’t know who’s gonna kill you or why they would want to (if they existed) or how they’d manage to do so more than once, but I’ll make you a deal. I will put my mark on you so that whoever kills you will die seven times.”

Cain accepted this because, clearly, things do not have to make any sense at all in his twisted mind. So, Cain took off and lived in the land of Nod, which was East of Eden. And, despite the fact that the only woman on Earth was his mother, Cain found a wife and had a son named Enoch, whom he named a city after.

Then Enoch had a kid, who had a kid, who had a kid, who had a kid named Lamech that took two wives, becoming the first polygamist. How all this begetting happened when only sons were being born is anyone’s guess, but it must have happened, because it’s in the bible. So, then Lamech had a kid with wife #1 named Jabal. And Jabal is father of all people who live in tents and raise cows. And he had a brother named Jubal, who is father of all people who play harps and organs, which were presumably invented around this time.
With wife #2, Lamech had a kid named Tubal-Cain, who was an instructor of everyone who works in iron and brass, which probably came in handy when it was time to invent harps and organs. And Tubal-Cain had a sister, who seems to be of no importance whatsoever.

Then Lamech went to his two wives and said to them: “I have killed two men! If God decrees that Cain’s death shall be avenged sevenfold, then mine should be avenged 77 times!” illustrating that he was insane and bad at math. God had no comment.

Not quite satisfied with being Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandparents, Adam and Eve decided that, at the age of 130, they needed a replacement kid for Abel, and they named him Seth. Who had a kid named Enos.

And everyone lived a long time, around 900 years each. And, oh yeah, Lamech had a kid named Noah, who apparently didn’t bear mentioning in the presence of his oh-so-important siblings, like the father of all tent-residing beef salesmen.



Tomorrow: Noah.