No Bullshit Bible Lesson #5: The First Pimp

Genesis, Chapters 12-13:

After tearing down the Tower of Babel, God became a sugar-daddy for a guy named Abram. Abram was picked by the Lord, seemingly at random, and told to leave from Haran and that God would help him start a great nation, where people who blessed Abram would be blessed and people who cursed him would, in turn, be cursed. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Abram, his wife and his nephew, Lot, left Haran to start a new and glorious nation.

Abram and his family just kept on going, until the reached the plain of Moreh, and God appeared to them:
        “I will give this land to your children,” said God, probably having a little fun with the fact that Abram’s wife couldn’t bear children. But Abram built him an altar on that spot anyway and God re-appeared before him, though apparently didn’t have much to say. Abram then went and made camp at a mountain, where he built another alter to the Lord and called upon His name. It seems he was unavailable at this time, however.

So Abram journeyed further south, to Egypt, because there was a terrible famine in the lands he was passing through. And he said to his wife:
        “Sarai, my wife, you are one smokin’-hot fox. Now, when the Egyptians see you, they’re gonna know you’re my wife, and they’ll kill me so they can have sex with you. Well, I figure, if you’re gonna get screwed by other guys anyway, let’s at least say you’re my sister so they don’t kill me.” And Sarai, apparently, didn’t think this was a total dick thing to say.

But, as it turned out, Abram was right (still a dick, though) and the Egyptians saw his totally hot wife and took her to Pharaoh, who confirmed: this lady is totally hot. And both her and Abram were lavished with camels and stuff. Of course, God didn’t think it was cool that Pharaoh was schtupping another man’s wife, so He sent great Plagues upon Pharaoh (which would later become a hobby of His).

And Pharaoh went to Abram and said “Dude! What the hell?! She’s your wife?! How sick do you have to tell me she was your sister and just let me have sex with her? Now I’m being plagued and shit, because of your deviant ass! Take your damn wife and get out of my country. The sign says ‘Welcome to Egypt,’ not ‘welcome to sick swingers’ Paradise.’”

So Abram, Sarai and Lot went further south, out of Egypt. At this point, of course, Abram was quite rich. He had silver gold and livestock. It’s hard for a Pimp? Abram might disagree.

So they traveled south and decided at some point to head back north, to where they had previously built an altar to the Lord. and they called again upon the Lord. Who, it seems, was again in a meeting.

Now, at this point, Abram and co. were so rich, with so many cattle and servants, that the land couldn’t support them all. And Abram’s herdsmen hated Lot’s herdsmen...it was all just a big thing. So Abram said to Lot, “Okay, man. We’re family, and there’s a lot of squabbling going on. So that we don’t hate each other, maybe we should just part ways here. You go east, I’ll go west.”

So Lot journeyed east and lived in Sodom (the denizens of which God hated) and Abram went west and lived in the land of Canaan. And God came to Abram and said, “Look around, bro. All around. All that is yours. Everything you can see belongs to you and will belong to your heirs.”

Abram ignored the fact that God was undoubtedly making fun of his wife’s barren womb again and built Him an altar.