No Bullshit Bible Lesson #9: Sodom and Gomorrah

Genesis, Chapter 19:

Now that God had committed himself to destroying Sodom and Gomorrah, unless he found 10 decent people there, a pair of His angels drifted into town. Lot, working the gate that night, got up and bowed to them.
        “Please, come rest yourselves in my home. We’ll get you fed and get those feet washed so you can continue on your way well-resting in the morning.”
        “Naw. We’d rather just stand here in the street all night,” they replied.
        “Okay, that’s just crazy-talk. Come on, in with you now, don’t be shy,” he pushed, until finally the men relented.

True to his word, he fed them a great feast with unleavened bread and the men ate it. While the feasting was happening, however, every man in the city surrounded Lot’s house. When they felt they had a proper mob going on, they called out to Lot,
        “Hey, Lot! Where are those guys you’ve got staying with you? Send them on out here so we can gang-rape them!”

Lot went to meet them at the door. “C’mon, don’t be like that. They’re my guests. It would be a bit rude to just hand them over to a motley gang of butt-pirates. Tell you what: I have two fine-ass daughters. Virgins, no less. I’ll send them out here and you can have them six ways from Sunday if you want. In return, you leave the total strangers I’m harboring alone.”
        “No deal,” they said, “Now stand aside and let us play priest-and-choirboy with those dudes, or you’re gonna get double what they get,” and they came close to forcing their way in.

The men in the house reached out and yanked Lot in, closing the door after him and they used their angel hoodoo to strike every man outside the door blind. The men outside the door, in turn, stumbled around, trying to find the door, clearly too concerned with their cornholing plans to worry about such small matters as sudden and complete blindness.

        “Okay, Lot,” the angels said, “get your family and your stuff and get the hell outta dodge, because God is gonna make this place look like what geologists will one day call the Archean Period, an imaginary long-ago time when the molten rock that formed the Earth began to cool.”
        “That sounds like insane babble.”
        “I know, right? Anyway, you should leave before God sends fire from the sky to punish the wicked.”
        “Makes sense.”

So Lot went and fetched his sons-in-law, casting extreme doubt upon his claim that his daughters were virgins, and told them what was happening. They p’shawed and ignored the old man, and he apparently didn’t press the issue too much, perhaps because they were douchebags.

The next morning, the angels woke up Lot, who had gone home to get a good night’s sleep on the eve of the entire nation’s fiery destruction.
        “Wake up, get your wife and daughters and get the hell outta here, or you’re going to be fried to a toasy crisp with all these other sinning a-holes.”

Lot sort of meandered about, putting it off, so the angels grabbed him and his family and took them out of the city themselves. Once safely away, the angels reiterated the importance of not sticking around for the flaming holocaust,
        “Okay, now, seriously. Take off. Just run, okay? Don’t look back, don’t stop for a beer, just run away from here to the mountain or you will be kindling.”
        “Awww...the mountain? I hate that place. Seriously. If I have to go there, I’ll just, like, die. Can I go to the little nearby town of Zoar instead?” he asked, totally oblivious of the enormity of the situation.
        “Fine,” Said God, who must have turned up at some point, “I’ll change my plans for a Holy Cleansing of this wicked land so you don’t have to be inconvenienced. Being a picky little whiner must run in your family, though. Now go, because I can’t kill thousands of people until you get there safely.”

So Lot and his family went to Zoar and God got to rain fire from the sky at those who had pissed Him off, until there was nothing left but ash and tiny glass pebbles. While this was happening, Lot’s wife looked in the direction of the giant fireworks show in the sky, apparently the only person in Zoar to do so, because no one else was reported as having turned into a pillar of salt.

Lot got up the next morning, seemingly unfazed that his wife has been turned to salt for no reason and with no warning that looking at the display would have repercussions. His wife probably assumed when they said not to look back that they just meant to hurry up to avoid a scorching demise. Anyway, Lot was also feeling adventurous, because when he woke, he looked out at the smoking, smoldering remains of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Despite what Lot told God, he was suddenly afraid to live in Zoar and would rather live in the mountain after all. So he packed up his daughters and they moved into a cave.

        “Dad’s pretty old,” said his older, nameless daughter to her nameless younger sibling, “so he’s not likely to remarry and, let’s face it, living in a cave in a mountain, you and I aren’t getting new husbands. Ooh! Know what we should do? We should totally get Dad drunk off his ass and do him, so we can continue our bloodline.”
        “Good idea, Sis!”

So, they got him so drunk that when Older Daughter went and jumped his bones, he remembered none of it the next morning.

        “Success!” she reported the next day, “now, we’ll just get him drunk again tonight, and it’ll be your turn to have sex with Dad!”
        “Okay!”

So they got him drunk again, and Younger Daughter did the Daddy Deed.

Nine months later, they gave birth to Moab and Benammi, respectively. And thus, the precedent was set for women to always be portrayed as nameless whores, deceivers, sluts and sex-objects.