No Bullshit Bible Lesson #7: Abraham

Genesis, Chapters 16-17:

God promised Abram heirs and it was about time for him to deliver.

Abram’s wife, Sarai, finally came to terms with the fact that her womb was as fertile as a moon rock. So she went to Abram with an Idea.
        “Abram, my husband, here’s the deal; you’ve been hoisting yourself on top of me every night for years and I think we both know that no matter what you put in there, a kid is never coming out. So, since you like swinging so much, you can go do your begetting with my handmaiden, Hagar.”

So Abram took Hagar as his second wife, and she was promptly knocked up. Once she realized that she had mad child-bearing skills, Hagar totally lost all respect for Sarai and gave her the evil eye and stuff all the time. Of course, Sarai picked up the not-so-subtle hints and went to Abram with her concerns.

        “Abram, I sent Hagar to be your backup womb and now she thinks she’s hot shit, just because her womb can hold a baby! Bitch treats me like I’m dirt, when she ain’t nothin’ but a baby-momma!”
        “Hey,” Abram replied, “She’s your servant. You got a problem with her, deal with it.”

So Sarai went to Hagar, grabbed her by her nappy weave and told her what’s what. Hagar took off, afraid of getting her ass kicked.

One of God’s angels found her by a fountain in the wilderness (God doesn’t do personal appearances for a baby-momma) and said to her,
        “Why did you come here? And where will you go?”
        “I had to get away from that flat-bellied skank, Sarai.”
        “Lady, just go back and face the music. If you do, I’ll multiply your seed exceedingly. You’ll have more babies than you can count. You’re pregnant...it’s a boy, by the way. When he’s born, name him Ishmael. He is gonna be wild, too! He’s gonna fight the whole world.”

So, she did go back, and had a baby boy, and they named him Ishmael.

Thirteen years later, God came to Abram for a face-to-face.
        “I am GOD!” He said, “Walk before me and be perfect!”
Abram fell to his knees in supplication, clearly ballsy enough to disobey God’s commands both of walking and of being perfect. God deigned to talk to him, regardless.
        “Okay, so we had a deal, right? I told you that you’d have a bazillion kids and stuff, right? Well, here we go. This is gonna be awesome. Seriously. Future kings are gonna swim outta that little willy you got there....You’ll be the father of many nations. Which is why, from now on, you name will not be Abram, but Abraham!” he said, clearly believing that Abr(ah)am would understand the connection between adding “ah” to the middle of his name and being the patriarch of nations.
        “We have a covenant, see,” continued the Holy Lord, “between me, and you and all your many, many kids. And I’ll keep the covenant, and you’ll keep the covenant, and they’ll keep the covenant, and I’ll be their God. Like in the covenant that we have. Me and you an all your kids...”

And the Lord rambled on, repeating himself a few time like a drunkard, before coming to this little gem:

        “And, as a symbol of our covenant, you will cut off the end of your dick. Just the outside, skin part, though. Anyone in your family more than 8 days old, must be circumcised. Snip, snip. Starting now, and ending...never. For all time, all your descendants, all your slaves, snip, snip. And if someone has an intact willy? He is banished from your family because he broke our covenant.
        “Oh, and your wife...She gets a new name, too. Her name is now Sarah. Don’t question it. Did I mention I’m God? I’m gonna let her have a kid, too. A son, named Isaac. Now, Isaac is the one that counts, okay? Ishmael will have a fine life, he’ll father 12 princes, but my covenant will be with Isaac. Still mutilate Ishmael’s penis, though. That’s non-negotiable.”

Then God took off, and Abraham went and got a knife.

That was not a good night to be a man in the Abraham household.