No Bullshit Bible Lesson #12: Kissin' Cousins

Genesis, Chapter 24:

The death of his wife, Sarah, left Abraham alone and very, very old. He sent for his eldest servant and asked him to fondle his thigh.
        “Nameless servant, I need you to do something for me. Swear that you will not choose my son’s wife from the wretched asses who live here, but that you’ll get him a nice little honey from my home country, someone related to me, preferably.”
        “Sure. But what if she doesn’t want to follow me all the way back here? Should I take Isaac out there?”
        “No! Whatever you do, don’t bring him there! If she won’t follow you, you’re off the hook.”

So the servant swore that he wouldn’t get Isaac a wife from the despicable Canaanites he lived amongst and that he wouldn’t bring him to the despicable place that his father came from, and would respect Abraham’s wishes that Isaac should only marry a cousin, or closer relative if possible. Thus, he set out for Mesopotamia, and the land of Nahor that Abraham escaped from.

When he arrived, he spotted a well and thought it would be a good place to pick up chicks. Presumably quite tired from his journey, he decided that he was proposing (for Isaac) to the first girl who was human enough to not refuse him water when he asked. No sooner had he decided that than Rebekah, one of Isaac’s cousins, came out to get some water.
        “Excuse me, but do you think you could spare some water for this poor, tired traveller?”
        “Sure.”
        “THANK YOU, GOD.”

So, upon verifying that, yes, her union to Isaac would be a game of genetic Russian Roulette, he gave her an earring and some bracelets and went to meet the family. They were very nice to him and gave him water to wash his feet and stuff, but he refused to eat the meat they offered until he had told them of his purpose for being there.

He then retold, word-for-word, the tale so far. In excruciating detail. Right up until the point that he came in the door.
        “Now,” he said, “How’s about it? Can I take your daughter and marry her to a cousin she’s never met that, for all you know, I could have made up, just because I claim it was a task from God?”
        “Well, yeah. If God said it, who are we to argue? Take her, total stranger. Take her in the name of the Lord and give her to your master, who we assume you have not fabricated.”
        “Awesome.”
        “Can we have about ten days to get used to the idea of losing our beloved Rebekah?”
        “Time is money, people. As I’ve already given all of you gold and jewels, I think it only fair that you let me get out of this rat-hole with your daughter.”
        “You got it.”

Rebekah agreed to this, so they got her all ready the next morning and blessed her for the journey.
        “Go, daughter,” Rebekah’s family said, “Be the mother to billions of people, and let them possess the gates of those who hate them.”

That may seem like a strange blessing to you, but there must have been a reason Abraham didn’t want Isaac setting foot in that place. Such blessings are likely indicative of that position. Anyway, they got on their camels and headed back to give Rebekah over to Isaac.

So one day, as Isaac was out meditating, he saw the camels crest the horizon and ran out to meet them.

        “Who’s that running over here like an overexcited child?” asked Rebekah.
        “That is my master,” replied the servant.

Throwing a veil over her face, she jumped from the camel to meet her new husband. When Isaac got to them and was eager to meet his new wife, the servant decided to tell Isaac the whole story of what he had done in what can only be assumed was excruciatingly tedious detail.

When Isaac had escaped the tedium of his servant’s tale, he took Rebekah back to his mother’s tent and married her. He loved her very much and the marriage helped him get over the death of his mommy. And the world waited for Freud to come around and explain that.