No Bullshit Bible Lesson #15: Jacob has a Dream

Genesis, Chapter 28:

Because Rebekah suddenly got it into her head that she didn’t want Jacob marrying a Canaanite girl, Isaac called his son to him.
        “Listen, boy. I know it was you I blessed. In return for my blessing, you can’t marry a Canaanite. You’ll marry a first cousin, like your father before you. And God will pass Abraham’s blessing to you and your seed will multiply and all that jazz. Now go and marry your Mom’s niece.”

Esau overheard this and, having already married a Canaanite girl, thought he’d better go marry a cousin, as well. So he went and married from the other side of the family, marrying one of Ishmael’s kids.

Meanwhile, Jacob set out for his mother’s home-town to marry her brother’s daughter. He traveled until night fell and then decided to take a nap, using some rocks as a comfy pillow, because people were more badass in those days.

As he slept, he dreamt of a ladder to Heaven which the angels used to travel between Heaven and Earth. At the top of the ladder, he saw God, who said,
        “Jacob, I am God. I’m a friend of your granddad’s. Anyway, I’m going to give you the land you’re lying on. And I’ll multiply your seed and all that. And I’ll be sticking right by you until I’ve fulfilled my promise.”

Jacob woke with a start, freaked out that God was there and he didn’t even know it. He also thought fleetingly that the place, the gate of Heaven itself, was a bit creepy.

When morning came he made a pillar out of his pillow-rocks and named that place Bethel, even though it was already called Luz.

“Okay,” he decided, “If God sticks with me and gives me bread and clothes until I get back to my Dad’s, then he can be my God. And this rock will be His house, and I will give him 10% of my income.” He said these words without the slightest idea that they would one day result in yachts for televangelists.